Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Faith Rewarded!

Nice to see Freedom of Speech still means something here in the U.S.

Oh, and the album is GREAT!

Well done Ladies... See you at MSG!

The Judge, The Dwarf & The ACLU

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

This douche bag above was spared jail time cause he's too short to survive in prison!

What did he do? Molested a 12 year old girl.... Apparently, no big deal in Nebraska.

The judge claims because he's so short he would be killed in jail by much bigger inmates. The judge sees this as a problem where as I see this as a solution! I guess I'm just a a glass half-full kind of guy!

This scumbag deserves to go to jail because, once there, he will get to experience what the 12 year old girl did.... See, they wouldn't kill him right away. They would rape him for about nine years and 364 days first.

Fuck him!

To prove this judge is a total fucking stain on society I'd like to point to the fact that the A.C.L.U. DISAGREES with the decision and doesn't buy the "short person discrimination" bullshit.

You know something stinks when even the fucking A.C.L.U. calls bullshit!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Guest Blog #3

Stop Clapping for Christs Sake!

Here’s something I have been dying to get off of my chest for a while. This is my single greatest pet peeve. Bigger than people who open doors for me. Bigger than those damn receipts. Bigger than people who call me for last minute shit one hour before I’m supposed to go home on a holiday weekend (more to come). These people are truly clueless. These people deserve to be round up and systematically made sterile. Who are these people you ask?

People who CLAP at the end of movies!

Last night I went to see "The DaVinci Code" with the girl who tolerates A.S.S. I thought it was pretty good. No great epic but entertaining. I’m told that the fact that I did not read the book led me to enjoy it more than I would have had I read the book. Just another endorsement for not reading fiction as far as I’m concerned. I don’t need anything ruining my movie going experience!

At the end of the film more than half of the theatre breaks out into applause. That’s right! HALF the theatre was clapping at the end of the movie! Clapping for who you ask? RIGHT! Clapping is a sign of appreciation for a job well done. Unless you are invited to a premier where the stars of the movie and people who worked on the movie are actually there DO NOT CLAP AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. All you do is make yourself look like an idiot and piss me off! I did some research and could not find the origin of applause or clapping. I was able to find documentation that stated that clapping is something babies instinctively do when they are happy. Two rows up for me was a couple with a newborn. The baby slept through the entire movie and did not clap once. That baby at 2 months old (or there about) was smarter than half the people in that theatre. In the future if you go to a Broadway show, by all means clap away. If you go to the circus, clap away. If you go to a movie SIT ON YOUR FUCKING HANDS!


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Sour Apples

Happy Birthday to me....

With apologies to Dim, I'm ripping off some of his previous photos and using them here. Why? Cause they fit perfect with this birthday tale.

Who's Dim?

Dim is the author of "Dim City". It can be found in the links on the right side of this page. If you have an hour to kill it would be well worth your time to give it a full read. It is much better than mine. Serious Blog envy and if I ever get my sitcom idea off the ground I'm driving to Massachusetts and throwing Dim into my car and forcing him to write for the show.

And by "forcing" I mean there will be serious trouble if he doesn't come peacefully.


My wonderful MP3 player that I've had for the past two years finally shit the bed last week. It was a Creative Labs "Nomad", 40 gig MP3 player. It was a little bigger than an Ipod but did the same thing for around $150 less. I LOVED this thing. I own about 3,000 CDs and this thing had enough juice to hold the bulk of them. Did I mention I LOVED it? Took in the car and on the subway. Me and that thing have had some nice times together. I always liked how it enabled me to ignore drunks and crystal myth freaks in the Port Authority at night. Even fucked up insane people realize someone has headphones in and the music blaring from them is real. It was a wonderful tool.

Anyway, it stopped taking a charge last week. I couldn't figure out was wrong until the section where the power chord went just fell the fuck out. It was then that I said to myself... "This might be it" I was heart broken but knew I'd have some money coming in from my birthday this weekend and set out to replace it.

A new one still runs around $250. The only problem being, they stopped making the 40 gig and they are very hard to find new. They only make a 30 gig and a 60 gig and they are both the video player type. I don't need a video played in my MP3 player. They are to small to enjoy movies on and too big to hide porn in a public place.... ZERO use to me! Plus they are the "Zen Touch" models. What's a "Zen Touch?" It's a rip off of Apple's click wheel. BUT, it's VERY sensitive. You touch this thing and you're already nine spots from where you wanted to go in the blink of an eye. It drives you fucking crazy! In fact there is nothing remotely "zen" about it!

How do I know this? Because my buddy J.L., or as he's known on this blog: A.S.S., got one about a month ago. He got one only after I talked him out of getting an Ipod. I did this by telling him "Ipod's suck...They all break" I told him to read Dim's Take on this subject at the following link...

Anyway, I'm looking at this new generation of Creative lab players and thinking I really didn't like them. So I started shopping around. I finally settled on a new player and, yup, you guessed it! I BOUGHT A FUCKING IPOD!

Not a brand new one (that would be too smart)... I went onto the Apple website and searched for the "factory reconditioned" items. I picked out the 40 gig, 4th generation Ipod with the click wheel. It was only $200 and suited me fine. It was smaller than my Creative Labs player and size has become important to me these days. Not like a woman who just gave birth to twins the old fashioned way...But important all the same. I'm going to the gym more and more and getting in pretty good shape. Not saying you can bounce a single quarter off my stomach but a roll of quarters would go FLYING at this point! My MP3 player is just too big and bulky. It's too heavy to clip to my shorts and is always flying off the treadmill and crashing to floor. Not before it almost trips and kills me of course, and was actually becoming hazardous. I had bought a fanny pack to wear (or as I called it in front of my girlfriend: a "sports belt") but my girlfriend made such fun of it I returned it and got my money back. Apple makes a sports band that I can wear on my arm. I thought this would be great for the treadmill, the weight machine's and for the mountain bike I got for my birthday. The Ipod also holds a longer charge and all around was a better fit for me at this point.

So I ordered the "Factory Reconditioned" Ipod from Apple. Now, Apple promises these to work just as good as a new Ipod but truthfully that gave me no comfort. Everyone I know has had their Ipod crash and burn on them at least once in the first year after they got it. So, I figured I will be smart and get the extended warranty which fully covers me for two years. Also, I knew if I called my mom and told her all of this she would offer to send me a check and treat this as a birthday gift. So, that means.... FREE IPOD!!!

Anyway, I received this thing over the weekend and installed the Itunes software last night. The software pulled all the MP3s from my Creative software and organized them right into Itunes. "This is awesome" I said to myself. Then I hooked up the Ipod. Everything was fine until my computer froze and wouldn't do anything. The Ipod is flashing a "Do Not Disconnect" message and I'm waiting and waiting. After about 6 hours of this I disconnected the thing and that was it! DEAD! It wouldn't do a thing. I spent hours trouble shooting this on the Apple website and finally called costumer support. I got some guy from India on the phone and after an hour of broken English he had been only successful in disconnecting our phone call. I called back and got some guy named Brian on the phone. Well, Brian and I spent two hours troubleshooting until Brian finally announces "Sir, this Ipod is defective. You are going to have to send it back for repair"

"REPAIR!!!! I just got the fucking thing!" I responded in just those terms.

"I'm very sorry sir but there is nothing more we can do. You should have it back in a month"

"Factory Reconditioned".... They should call them... "Other people's broken shit that we "fixed" and polished for a sucker like you"

Now I'm thinking "I don't want to get this thing back, let alone in a MONTH!...It's already broken and it's only a day old"

I call Apple sales and bitch them out. They agree to send me a "new" one as soon as I mail this one back. I should have that by Friday. I would just tell them to take the whole thing back but I bought all the accessories (car charger, Sports Wrap, etc.) in anticipation of the Ipod's D.O.A

After I tell the women I spent FIVE hours on my birthday dealing with this shit she offers me a $25 credit and a giant "sorry" and I took it. I just wanted it over.

And now for the cherry on top of this shit sundae....

My mother calls me and tells me. "Don't cash that check. I quit my job"

Happy Birthday, indeed!

Monday, May 22, 2006

30 Years, Burning Down The Road.....

Today is my 30th birthday.

Why do I tell you this?

I have no idea.... But I am annoyed by it.

When did I get so fucking old?

People will say "You're not old" and "You're still just a baby"

Guess what? Those people are really fucking old.

At least I still have all my hair... That's the first "good" thing that came to mind when I woke up today. Oh, and I'm not deaf yet! So, that's another "good" thing. But that's about it.

I look forward to losing both by the time I'm 60!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Irony in the Oval Office

This is a quote from White House press secretary Tony Snow:

"What the president has said all along is that he wants to make sure that people who become American citizens have a command of the English language. It's as simple as that."


Last I checked, President Bush doesn't even know how to speak proper English!

Let alone, have actual "command" of it...

Want proof?

Enjoy, Mi Amigos

Thursday, May 18, 2006

When In Rome

The Vatican has called for a boycott of The DaVinci Code.


One of the most corrupt organizations in the history of our planet is now telling you where and on what you should spend your money.


Of course, a few of their flock of blind sheep are heeding the word and staging protests through out the world! These people need to find a hobby of some sort. I recommend knitting or perhaps pottery.

The Catholic Church needs to get over itself! Just because they can help swing elections based on hatred of Gays does not give them the right to tell people what they can and can't watch!


And before you all start commenting about "How dare I call the Vatican corrupt" check out this link...

It's a site dedicated to some of the bigger sins of the church.

My personal favorite has always been the harboring of Nazis during WWII. Really stand up stuff!

I suppose they would rather have you donate your $10 into the collection plate this weekend than spend it on "The DaVinci Code" You know, that same collection plate from which they took the money to pay sexual assault victims for their silence! Money well spent!

Lost in all of this is the fact that "The DaVinci Code" is a work of FICTION! No one ever claimed it as fact! I've always felt the searching of answers and questioning of one's personal faith goes a long way to actually strengthening it! But, maybe that's just me.

Do I believe in Jesus? Yes I do.

Does that mean I take the Bible as anything more than a metaphor? No. I take it for what it is.... An easily digestible version of a 2,000 year old story. A blueprint, not a house made of stone.

However, I do believe in freedom of choice and will be choosing to see "The DaVinci Code" this weekend. And not at some matinee... I'm paying FULL price!

I'll drop my stub off in the collection plate on Sunday. Right after I get done mocking science, hating gay people and suppressing women. Ahh, a full day to look forward to...

All in the "name" of Jesus.


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Learning To Limp

What's the deal with the ever growing number of handicapped parking spaces on the streets of America?

Now, I'm not talking about the ones at the local mall or supermarket. Those are fine. What I'm speaking of is the new handicapped street spots. Have you seen these? Basically, in the middle of every road in my town, there are two handicap signs about 20 feet apart and they are reserved for ONE SPECIFIC person! In other words, if you are a handicapped person, other than the one that spot is saved for, you're shit out of luck.

This rings of serious bullshit and kick backs to the mayor's office in my opinion. There are now THREE of these spots on my block. Up from one a few months ago.

The way I see it is, unless you live in a major city, you already have a handicapped spot. It's called the fucking driveway! Park in that, asshole.

That's where I have a problem. These people get TWO reserved spots! One in the driveway for the able bodied person and one right in front of the house for the handicapped person. The able bodied person should have to park and walk four blocks just the rest of their neighbors who don't have the luxury of a gimpy housemate.

Of course, as luck would have it, I live in, literally, the only house on my block WITHOUT a driveway. So I have to drive around in circles until something opens up. Meanwhile, these "handicapped" people, some of which don't walk with as much as a limp, park within 10 feet of their door whenever they want.

It's a slap in the face! I mean, couldn't they just pretend to be handicapped? Just fucking pretend! Drag their leg behind them or limp a little? It's not that much to ask for free parking whenever you want it!

Monday, May 15, 2006

In Boyardee, We Trust!

I don't want anymore Italian cooking tips from skinny people!

I want my Sushi chef to be Asian, my kosher chef to be Jewish and, most important of all, my Italian chefs to be fat!

Pretty simple isn't it?

Besides, when is the last time you ate a good Italian meal prepared by a rail thin stick figure like the woman above?

For those of you that don't know, the woman above is named Giada De Laurentiis and she hosts a show on The Food Network called "Everyday Italian." This woman is so annoying she makes Rachel Ray seem normal.

She makes these huge Italian dishes and NEVER eats them! She takes a bite or sip of each one and makes all these orgasmic sounds like it was the best dish ever, brags about how great it is, and then that's it! She puts it down! The next scene is her giving the food away or inviting her friends over to eat what she made.

Hey lady! If your food is so fucking good then why don't you ever eat it???

Not to mention each dish is about 30,000 calories! I swear to Christ the drink she made tonight must of been 3,000 by itself! It was made of 90% heavy cream.

But look at her! She looks like Michael J. Fox's wife if she were a starving Vegan!

I want my Italian Chefs to look like this....

Nothing says "I know how to cook" better than a 300 pound Italian man with sausage around his neck.

That's who I want to learn from.

A man who cooks every meal like it may be his last, because at any second his heart very well may explode!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

People I Can Do Without #8

I loath Bill Walton.

I mean I really, REALLY loath him.

In fact, it's borderline hatred.

Who is Bill Walton? It's a fair question to most I assume.

Bill Walton may be the most overrated player on the NBA's "50 greatest players" list. (although, James Worthy is a VERY close second) Bill Walton is also a play by play announcer for ESPN and ABC's NBA coverage. A fact, yet again, I could not escape today while watching the Nets/Heat Game.

Bill Walton was one of the greatest players in college basketball history. A true giant of the sport. Then he entered the NBA and had two very good years. One that resulted in a championship for the Portland Trailblazers. The rest of the time he was a big, injured, slow, awkward-looking, mess! You may remember him from the Celtic Championship teams of the mid 80's. He was the goofy looking, red headed guy waving a fucking towel on the bench while the able bodied players ran up and down the court.

This piece of shit never averaged even 19 points a game! Never played a whole season! Scored a TOTAL of 6215 points in his career! To put that in perspective, Trent Tucker has 22 more career points!

Who is Trent Tucker?

Let's just say people who know are either laughing or a bit shocked right now.

Now Walton is the most hyper-critical play by play man in the business. Never short on cheap shots or insults, he runs his big mouth for the full 48 minutes! The only time he ever shuts up is when he's busy blowing Shaq!

Which seems to never stop, even when Shaq has four fouls in ten minutes. Next time you watch a game take notice of the small grin that crosses Shaq's face every time he glances at Walton.


What I don't understand is why this stuttering muttering piece of trash is allowed to continue to spew forth his under-qualified opinion week in and week out. God, please allow Shaq to crash across the table next game and drive his massive forearm into Bill Walton's throat. Please Lord, save us from this fool.

Or just pick him up and pile drive him head first into the floor!

"Throw him down, big man....Throw him down!"

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Guest Blog #2

As previously stated I will be welcoming guest bloggers from time to time.

Anyone reading this Blog may email me a post at the following address...

Posts, if accepted, will appear unedited with full credit going to their original author...

The second guest blog is from the same angry man as the first.


Let’s save a fucking tree for fucks sake!

Guess who’s back…back again….A.S.S. is back, that’s who!!!!!!!!!!

I’d like to talk a little bit today about receipts. You know….those little annoying fucking pieces of paper the incompetent check out boy insists on giving you even if you only are buying a bottle of water. I mean, what the hell?! Am I really going to need to return a bottle of Desani?! Even if there was something wrong with it would it really beworth my time?!

Ok, let’s say, for the sake of argument, that it is a larger order than just one thing. What’s with all the fucking paper! I mean there are coupons, and credit receipts, and the actual receipt! By the time they get done you are holding the damn encyclopedia Britannica. All you can think of is "where the hell can I throw all of this away."

Oh, and G-d forbid you are crafty enough to rush away before the damn 15 year old, pimple faced, pubescent, shithead can hit you with your coupon for 25 cents off of a can of evaporated milk! He needs to scream after you “Don’t you want your receipt sir ?!” and then give you a dirty look for not taking it. He needs you to take it because if you don’t he’s fucking stuck with it, and he doesn’t want it either!

You would think that with all the technology they could find a way to post your receipt online so that you didn’t need to go through all of that. I mean don’t we kill enough trees without killing more for no reason?! Seriously, if they insist on continuing to use paper receipts they should make them out of softer paper. At least then I could wipe my ass with them and they would have an actual purpose!


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

People I Can Do Without #7

Drowning yourself is NOT a trick!

Neither is starving yourself or freezing yourself or burying yourself.

A trick needs to involve actually tricking someone.

David Blaine used to do really cool magic tricks. You know, back when he was a magician. He would walk around and freak people out by setting them up with these really weird and wild tricks.

One day he must have gotten bored with that and decided that people will watch someone do anything stupid if you just put it on television during prime time. Oh, and if it could be during sweeps, that would be even better!

The only trick he's pulled off in the past few years is having people watch two hours of their lives disappear forever.


I'm hoping the next special will be "David Blaine, Burned Alive"

Anyone got a match?

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Another "Annoying" Week

Well, it wasn't that bad... It was full of mostly good.

  • Monday - These past few months away from Blogworld I was working as a teamster on "Law & Order, Criminal Intent." My job was to drive a 15 passenger van 80 hrs. A week. 90% of the time I drove that episode's director. Some wonderful people and other than the hours it was a really good deal. The last episode I drove Whoppi Goldberg, that episode airs tonight on NBC. In my opinion, the best script the show has produced and I'm looking forward to seeing how it turned out. In case you were wondering, Whoppi is AMAZING. So down to earth and generous with her time to EVERYONE who asked for a small piece of it. Anyway, along with the driving there was a tremendous amount of sitting on my ass. An ass that has gotten 15 pounds bigger! On Monday I decided to go back to the gym. This also included starting a new diet. Both of those subjects will be touched on in the coming weeks. Diets and me are like one big, awful hand job. Lots of pain but with results... Last time I did this one I lost 30 pounds in six weeks. Same goal this time.

  • Tuesday - The highlight of the day was going to my 9 year old sister's softball game. This sounds like fun right? If you call 20 walks (they let the girls pitch) in three innings fun, then yes, it was a hoot! By the way they get six balls instead of the normal four for a walk. Also, I could count the number of times the ball made it from catcher to pitcher, without bouncing, on one hand. I love my sister but I'm dreading having kids one day because of these "athletic" experiences.

  • Wednesday - Was supposed to meet my friend Billy for lunch but he stood me up! Well, in fairness, there was a breakdown in communication and we both were left concerned and a little hungry. It also marked the first time I ever left home without my cell phone. As coincidence would have it, it was also the first time I EVER needed it! Anyway, left the meeting spot and took another walk through hell, where I bought tremendous amounts of paper goods!

  • Thursday - Finally met up with Billy! We ate burritos and spoke of glorious things! Like that girl's ass who just walked by the window and all the others stuff men speak of after not seeing each other for months. The highlight of that day was using Billy's work bathroom and thinking I broke the toilet after the handle stuck. I was in there for like five minutes and it's a very small office. His co-workers must of been thinking "why did Billy let this guy in and why is the toilet flushing and running for five minutes straight?"

  • Friday - Got a haircut! This is a big deal because I have to make an appointment for this at a salon. I've been going to same guy for 17 years. Why? Because I'm a bit of a woman when it comes to my hair. That's why!

  • Saturday - Went to Atlantic City for the day and got my balls kicked in! I have ZERO luck in A.C. I have won big in Vegas and Upstate New York but NEVER in A.C. I go 2-4 times a year and am going to have to re-think those numbers. I drove down with buddy, JL, and listen to him complain the whole ride about how he's going to fuck up his current relationship. A relationship that is all of two weeks old! The truth is, he will! Not because he's a bad guy or because it shouldn't work out, but because he will force it to happen. He should just TRY and be happy for a minute or two. My photo, in my profile, sums J up perfectly!

  • Sunday - Today I slept in a bit. Once up I caught up on some of pals in Blogworld (all of who's blog's can be found in my link section and are ALL worth a read) Dim had another "interesting" lunch this week and Rusty HATES the new Pearl Jam record. Jenny G is getting annoyed in traffic! March to the Sea, has started a new blog It is, in a word, awesome! This guy should be out of Blogworld and have the cover story on "Rolling Stone" If you are a fanatic of music, as I am, you will love his new blog. His "old" one is pretty good too! Anyway, enjoy your upcoming week! Hopefully mine will be full again!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

A Public Service Announcement


If your belly sticks out further than your boobs DO NOT wear tight shirts.


IS NOT a good look!

Maybe some girls don't get it and who am I to judge.... However, something needs to be done.

And to be fair, guys....

Same rules apply...

Thanks everyone, for your immediate attention to this issue.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Random Vent #10

Can Someone tell me where to buy a pair of jeans WITHOUT holes in the them?

Jesus Christ!

I went to 6 stores last weekend looking for a pair of jeans and everyone of them had pre-made holes in them. That's right, pre-made.... Meaning, retailers now assume that we are too lazy to rip tiny holes in our own jeans.

They label them as "vintage" which I get a kick out of because "vintage" is just another way of saying "used" In other words, they wanted me to spend $70 for the "I'm wearing someone else's used jeans" look.

No thank you!

And they are such pussy holes on top of it! Little worn holes near your upper thigh or above your knee. Give me a tear across the ass! One where there is a legitimate risk of my balls being exposed! You know, so some grandmother would have to say, "excuse me but I think your testicles are showing"

That's worth the $70!

This is a slippery slope folks.

Next step:

This look again!

One lump or two?

Monday, May 01, 2006

Boss Time in the Big Easy!

I've done my best not to get political on this blog. As I've said in the past, there are plenty of other blogs for that. However, the situation in New Orleans, has me very angry. Not annoyed or upset but ANGRY!

This is an AMERICAN city we are just leaving to rot. It hasn't even been cleaned up, let alone rebuilt. We send billions to Asia and Iraq to rebuild their cities (as I believe we should) but then allow one of our own to remain untouched for months on end.

It's pathetic!

Also, it goes a long way to show how far we still need to come in regards to race in this country. After all, if this was the Hamptons under water I'm positive the reconstruction would be well under way.

This past weekend was the annual Jazz Fest in New Orleans. Along with the many great local artists that played were some outside guests including Bob Dylan, The Dave Matthews Band and Bruce Springsteen.

Now people who know me know I have some serious love for the work of Bruce Springsteen. In recent years he has assumed a very Dylan-like role in current politics and has stuck his neck out a bit in regards to the direction the country is heading.

This past weekend he came to New Orleans with his latest project, "The Seeger Sessions." A blue grass, country, folk band covering the works of Pete Seeger and other folk standards. The album came out last Tuesday and is fantastic! One track that didn't make the album was a tune called "How Can a Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live" An old Ray Cooder tune that Springsteen wrote three extra verses for to reflect what going on in New Orleans. The band performed it last night and the performance, including his "on target" introduction, can be found at the link above.

Enjoy the music, listen to the words and get angry! Remember what happened/is happening to these poor Americans and vote your consciences in November.

"The country we carry in our hearts is waiting"
-B. Springsteen

Anyone want an MP3 of the song? Here's a link....