And Your Damn Dog Too!
I love English Bulldogs. LOVE them! They are the perfect dog as far as I'm concerned. They don't like to run, fetch or swim. In fact, they don't like being active at all. They snore real loud and basically just like being left on the couch to watch television....Just like me!
Also, they don't live too long which is nice for people like myself who have major commitment issues.
So while at a friends house last week I got a call from my girlfriend to come home and meet her friends bulldog. This was odd since my girlfriend, as far as I knew, didn't have any friends who owned a bulldog. She does however have some friends with kids that look like this...
Skeptical, I rushed home to see the dog. See, I was never allowed to have a dog growing up. My father always claimed because I was unable to keep my room clean I shouldn't have a dog.
"Can't keep a clean room, how are you gonna keep a dog?"
Like the dog was gonna get trapped under my Star Wars toys and die! So, once I moved out I was gonna get a dog but my landlords have never allowed them. My girlfriend and I adopted two cats six months ago and their cool I guess. However, I'm constantly worried they are going to outlive me! That's how out of shape I've become!
Anyway, I get home and start up the steps to our apartment. I hear the sound of four paws rushing across the hardwood floors! It's not the cats, it's the sound of a dog! Excited I open the door to my apartment and see this staring back at me....
My first thought was... "What the fuck is a pitbull doing in my living room?"
Then... "Where is the bulldog? Did this dog eat the bulldog?"
I say hello to the dog and make my way to the kitchen. Where I find my girlfriend and her friend sitting at the table. I ask, "what is that, a pitbull?"
Her friend responds, "She's a pure bred American Bulldog"
My girlfriend got the breeds confused! And her "friend" was a dog groomer she met who was there in hopes of my girlfriend and I adopting this beast! My girlfriend thought it would be a nice surprise for me as a Valentine's Day gift! Which, of course, is just what I always wanted...A fucking horse.
On top of this, we live in an apartment and both work 14 hour days. Not the brightest idea anyone has ever had.
I take a moment and ask, "where are the cats?"
"Well," my girlfriends says, "they didn't really like the dog"
No shit?
The girl cat is hiding behind the washing machine and the boy cat is locked in the bedroom. This is after my girlfriend thought it a good idea to pick him up, carry him over to the dog, and lower him down into the dogs face to say "hi"
Well, he basically said "fuck this" and tore up my girlfriends arm trying to get away.
The dog, in turn, shit on my bedroom floor and pissed in my office. Two things my girlfriend hid from me until after I had made up my mind that I didn't want this dog. Like if she told me... "Babe, the dog didn't shit or piss on anything!" I would have signed the papers right then and there.
There I was thinking candy or a card and my girlfriend was thinking 80 pound animal.... It happens, I guess?
posted by Mr. A at 1:15 AM
11 Comments:
BWAHAHAHA! Too funny! Dogs like the one in your apartment terrify me...that looks like a pit bull to me. The bulldog you like, on the other hand, looks adorable. :)
i will have to use the "clean room" line on my 7 year old..
OK, I let the comments about my family slide from "Is it Dec 26th Yet" etc, but now I've got to step up and say something.
You see, my boyfriend (our fun and fearless blogger) is gifted & funny. But he seemed to imagine about 1/2 of this story. Please note that he wasn't home for most of it, and although I told him what REALLY happened at least twice, he chooses to post his version. The one in his crazy, creative head.
and I quote:
"Not the brightest idea anyone has ever had."-- Thank you, honey. At least you tell me I have "pretty" going for me, so all is not lost.
"This is after my girlfriend thought it a good idea to pick him up, carry him over to the dog, and lower him down into the dogs face to say "hi""-- NEVER HAPPENED. I'm not an asshole. I'm not a sadist. I'm not into animal cruelty. What REALLY happened:
The dog ran it's massive Godzilla head into our bedroom door and pushed it open. As I heard it, I ran in WITH the groomer in tow to find my kitten being backed into a corner under a table by the demon. I kicked the table out of the way, picked our kitten up as the dog lunged at me and knocked me into the bed.(our little guy stayed safe though) The groomer FINALLY grabbed the dog after I started screaming at her to do something instead of standing there repeating "Oh my God, she NEVER does this" over and over and over. I would never put the kitten into the dog's face. That's like offering that monster dog fresh kill. (by the way, I told you this several times, but you insist on publishing the OTHER way that you imagined it. I was there when you created the scenario on the phone. I tried to correct you then, but you were on a roll and kept shushing me and ran into the other room.)
"Well, he basically said "fuck this" and tore up my girlfriends arm trying to get away" -my chest and arm did get clawed up, but NOT because I was lowering our cat into close proximity of the dog and he was trying to get away. jeez.
"The girl cat is hiding behind the washing machine"- I had no idea she was hiding there. I thought they were both in the bedroom. I was cleaning up shit and piss from that dog and the groomer insisted on staying with me to help me clean INSTEAD of taking the dog, leaving and cutting her losses. Problem was that the dog wouldn't stop shitting. She just wouldn't leave.My concern at that point was:
1- the cat's safety
2-dog shit off of our floor.
I wouldn't leave our kitten behind the washing machine. You came in less than a minute after I was done cleaning up, and the groomer tried to pitch the dog to you. It was then that we heard a meow from behind the washing machine, and then you finally got the groomer to leave.
"Two things my girlfriend hid from me until after I had made up my mind that I didn't want this dog. Like if she told me... "Babe, the dog didn't shit or piss on anything!" I would have signed the papers right then and there."--
No, no no. Living with me and knowing how clean i like to keep the house, you think that I would be OK with a shitbeast like that constantly going all over the house?
The bottom line is, even up until two days before the dog incident, you were saying how you'd love to get a puppy.
When the groomer told me about the baby girl bulldog with a waived adoption fee" all I could hear was how much you wanted a baby girl bulldog. I couldn't remember English or American. Oh well.
I admit, I should have bodily kicked her and the dog out. Chances are, I would have been eaten by either the dog, or her. (Both were quite large). Not my best move...and I'll never bring a dog into the apartment again. But I also wont' look like a fool in print if I can help it.
xoxoxo,
me
I stand by every word! Every last word!
Okay, I just spoke to the cat..
He says the whole experience was very trumatic for him and he entered a state of shock when it happened.
Although, he can't confirm or deny the excact events of that night he does wholehartedly agree that my version is funnier. Further, he fully respects and supports my choice of words in describing said event.
Oh, please, that cat will will say anything for food. He's a whore!
(I have to admit you are right about the ugly kids. My friends do have some ugly children!)
Both of your versions are pretty funny, and I love The Girlfriend's rebuttal. Calling that terrifying monster a "shitbeast" was classic! I feel bad for your cats, though. They're probably scarred for at least a few of their nine lives.
Can I borrow the pitbull for awhile to get these Rachael Ray freaks off my ass?!?
- D.
D,
I will be going you in the RR fire tonight.
Stay tuned!
Don't your pets have names? Girl cat...boy cat... girl kitten... boy kitten - What the ...Where's your imagination? Give those poor animals a name.
You want names?
Get your own fucking cats and name them!
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