Friday, July 28, 2006

It's 3:00 A.M. - Do You Know Where Your Litter Scoop Is?

I'm just getting back from the supermarket. It's 3:00 A.M. in Jersey and I had to run out for a cat litter scooper! The litter box was in disarray, in desperate need of cleaning and there I was, a grown man in his underwear searching for a tool to scoop shit with!

Of course, there was none to be found. My girlfriend had cleaned the box last so I decided to gently wake her up and ask her...

I crawled into bed and whispered in her ear... "Babe, where's the litter scoop"

She laughs. She tends to do this in her sleep sometimes. So, I ask again and this time she blurts out... "On top of the litter box"

Now, why do women always assume men are this dumb? Like the first place I would choose to look wouldn't be the place it always is?

So, I tell her "it's not there"

She responds, "Did you look inside the box"

Now, again, apparently I'm a stupid asshole. One that would know the litter box needs to be cleaned by NOT looking inside it and one that wouldn't notice a huge piece of plastic sticking up out of it!

So, I decide to let her sleep and go off in further search.... I look everywhere in the apartment. Places it should be and places it has no business being... Like the refrigerator for example.

It's not here! It's gone and now my OCD is kicking into overdrive! I go back into the bedroom and whisper again... "Babe, I think you threw it out"

She responds with "I'm up!"

These are not words I want to hear... It means she's waking up and getting out of bed at 2:00 A.M. and I'm the dick who woke her. I must admit, it was sort of amusing to watch her stumble around like a drunk looking for a shit scooper in the middle of the night. I have a "different" sense of humor.

I, of course, helped the situation in leaps and bounds by annoucning "I already looked there" every time she found a new spot where it might be.

Finally, she announces "I have no idea where it is" to which I respond "You must of thrown it out"

So looks at me with all seriousness and asks "How do you know I threw it out? Maybe you did"

Again, the female logic in this is entirely lost on me. I KNOW I didn't throw it out. I would remember a time where I said to myself "this shit scooper belongs in the trash!" I would also remember placing it there and wouldn't have bothered waking her up to remind me. She says "You can't prove I threw it out" and she was right! In court, this circumstantial evidence would never hold up and with women that's all that matters sometimes.... Can you PROVE it?

I couldn't so I put her back into bed, apologized for forgetting I must of thrown it out, and did the only thing a sane person would do in this situation.... I get dressed and head to the 24 hour A&P.

I take the time to cut out a Ben & Jerry's coupon (might as well make it a really worthwhile trip) and head out at 2:30.

I get to the supermarket and watch a 55 year old, fat white man push a cart while his BLACK son(?) is dragging his feet behind him yelling "Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning!" To which the father responds sweetly "Shut Up!"

Holy Hell!

Anyway, I get the scoop and head to freezer section to get my Ben & Jerry's. I get there and start to panic a bit... "Where's the Cubby Hubby?" I say to myself, out loud over and over. It's nowhere to found as I am now frantically digging through the other flavors in search of it! It's no where and I'm freaking out! "Chubby Hubby, where are you!"

Then I spot it! In the Haggen Daz section, like a beacon in the distance.

I grab it, place it gently in the basket and head for the check out.

I pass the cast of Different Strokes again and out of the corner of my eye I see a new flavor of Doritos! I stop and take a closer look. "Fiery Habanero" flavor. I have to have these! As a bonus, they are half price! I throw them in the basket and head to the register.

Let's recap, I have a bag of Doritos, a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a shit scoop for a litter box. Oh, and it's 2:45 in the morning! The girl at the checkout shoots me a look and to read her mind would go like this I assume... "This stoner has a dirty litter box at home. What a loser!"

I think to myself "Loser? Screw you, check out girl!" And I'm gone.

Home, I clean the litter box, wash my hands and try the Doritos. They are really hot!!! I need to cool my mouth off....

Good thing I have this pint of ice cream sitting here.

My girlfriend is asleep again. I'm thinking of waking her and holding up the new litter scoop and saying...

"Babe, look what I found in the coffee pot"


Blogger rosiegirl said...

"Chubby Hubby, where are you?"
This has got to be one of the funniest fucking posts I've ever read. Especially Funny because everything you wrote was dead-on accurate.
I'm wiping tears from my face, and recapping the night through every event.
And if you had woken me up at 3:00am saying "Look what I found in the coffee pot" I would have lost it, and it would have been even funnier.
(You should have stood in line at the Supermarket shoveling the Chuby Hubby into your mouth with the litter box scoop, that would have been AWESOME)

10:25 AM  
Anonymous Lloyd The Bartender said...

Ahhh!!! I am in tears! AWESOME as always!!!

Burritos...Monday...then over to Ben and Jerry's for some manly scoops of Chubby Hubby!!!

10:38 AM  
Blogger Jenny G said...

The sights you see at a 24-hour store at 2 AM. I'm a Phish Food girl myself.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Debbie said...

I just busted a rib laughing. I love me some Chubby Hubby. And Different Strokes family. At 2 in the morning. I loved this story.

3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have tears streaming down my face reading this!! Excuse any typo's .. I must agree with Rosie girl I think it would have been funnier too if you woke her up at 3 am and said Look what I found in the coffee pot!!

what is in the chubby hubby?? We dont have ben and jerry's down here...

I reckon australia must be hell as we dont have the cool snacks!!


5:42 PM  
Blogger Annoyed said...

Fudge-Covered Peanut Butter-Filled Pretzels in Vanilla Malt Ice Cream Rippled with Fudge & Peanut Butter

6:04 PM  
Blogger Hotwire said...

1) cherry garcia
2) is your a&p anywhere near where fresh lives? sounds like the folks she's always running into.
3) i have to try those doritos!!

6:19 PM  
Blogger Dim said...

Well, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum...

Classic stuff, man. You're lapping me!

- D.

7:35 PM  
Blogger Annoyed said...


Just a warning.... I threw most of the bag out after the worse case of heartburn I've ever had!

Seriously felt as if I was having a heart attack all day.


Also, have you tried the "Napolian Dynamite" Ice cream? Cherry Garcia mixed with Brownie Batter! It's awesome and what I would have been eating if I didn't find the Chubby Hubby.

8:19 PM  
Blogger emetic sage said...

that was excellent, 'noyed, real funny.

i'm wierd, though, i want to know did she really throw it out? is there any way to gather evidence that she in fact DID throw it out? go through the garbage? jog her memory somehow? tie her to a chair 'till she confesses?

5:19 AM  
Blogger B. said...

Classic. You should also try a Walmart after midnight. I find it funny to see these people but sad at the same time because there are so many kids out then when they should be in their little beds, asleep.

5:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I want that Ice Cream I'm wondering is it that good that it's worth the 1099 aussie dollar plane ticket???


4:47 PM  
Anonymous Butch said...

Personally, I would have used a slotted spoon and then bought a new slotted spoon the next time I went to the supermarket. Because when is there ever a slotted spoon emergency?

Although, you also could have dumped out the whole kitty litter box and filled it up fresh.

But what do I know, I have a dog.

9:07 PM  
Anonymous Pog said...

Each line was better than the next! Diffr'nt Stokes reference is a classic. One question - was the pan that bad you needed to go at at 2 am?

3:21 AM  
Blogger Annoyed said...

Butch - Where were you at 2:00?

Pog - It was pretty bad and the once I set my mind to doing something it has to get done. I very OCD in that way.

9:28 AM  
Blogger rosiegirl said...

In reposonse to Sage:
I also know i didn't throw it out.
Just as Annoyed wrote with such "matter of fact" conviciton:
I KNOW I didn't throw it out. I would remember a time where I said to myself "this shit scooper belongs in the trash!" I would also remember placing it there and wouldn't have bothered waking her up to remind me.

I would know if I did as well.
Perhaps one of the cats, in visiting a neighbor cat, brought their own scoop and accidentally left it there.

could be... ? :)
I still remain innocent.

8:45 AM  

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