It's 3:00 A.M. - Do You Know Where Your Litter Scoop Is?

I'm just getting back from the supermarket. It's 3:00 A.M. in Jersey and I had to run out for a cat litter scooper! The litter box was in disarray, in desperate need of cleaning and there I was, a grown man in his underwear searching for a tool to scoop shit with!

Of course, there was none to be found. My girlfriend had cleaned the box last so I decided to gently wake her up and ask her...

I crawled into bed and whispered in her ear... "Babe, where's the litter scoop"

She laughs. She tends to do this in her sleep sometimes. So, I ask again and this time she blurts out... "On top of the litter box"

Now, why do women always assume men are this dumb? Like the first place I would choose to look wouldn't be the place it always is?

So, I tell her "it's not there"

She responds, "Did you look inside the box"

Now, again, apparently I'm a stupid asshole. One that would know the litter box needs to be cleaned by NOT looking inside it and one that wouldn't notice a huge piece of plastic sticking up out of it!

So, I decide to let her sleep and go off in further search.... I look everywhere in the apartment. Places it should be and places it has no business being... Like the refrigerator for example.

It's not here! It's gone and now my OCD is kicking into overdrive! I go back into the bedroom and whisper again... "Babe, I think you threw it out"

She responds with "I'm up!"

These are not words I want to hear... It means she's waking up and getting out of bed at 2:00 A.M. and I'm the dick who woke her. I must admit, it was sort of amusing to watch her stumble around like a drunk looking for a shit scooper in the middle of the night. I have a "different" sense of humor.

I, of course, helped the situation in leaps and bounds by annoucning "I already looked there" every time she found a new spot where it might be.

Finally, she announces "I have no idea where it is" to which I respond "You must of thrown it out"

So looks at me with all seriousness and asks "How do you know I threw it out? Maybe you did"

Again, the female logic in this is entirely lost on me. I KNOW I didn't throw it out. I would remember a time where I said to myself "this shit scooper belongs in the trash!" I would also remember placing it there and wouldn't have bothered waking her up to remind me. She says "You can't prove I threw it out" and she was right! In court, this circumstantial evidence would never hold up and with women that's all that matters sometimes.... Can you PROVE it?

I couldn't so I put her back into bed, apologized for forgetting I must of thrown it out, and did the only thing a sane person would do in this situation.... I get dressed and head to the 24 hour A&P.

I take the time to cut out a Ben & Jerry's coupon (might as well make it a really worthwhile trip) and head out at 2:30.

I get to the supermarket and watch a 55 year old, fat white man push a cart while his BLACK son(?) is dragging his feet behind him yelling "Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning!" To which the father responds sweetly "Shut Up!"

Holy Hell!

Anyway, I get the scoop and head to freezer section to get my Ben & Jerry's. I get there and start to panic a bit... "Where's the Cubby Hubby?" I say to myself, out loud over and over. It's nowhere to found as I am now frantically digging through the other flavors in search of it! It's no where and I'm freaking out! "Chubby Hubby, where are you!"

Then I spot it! In the Haggen Daz section, like a beacon in the distance.



I grab it, place it gently in the basket and head for the check out.

I pass the cast of Different Strokes again and out of the corner of my eye I see a new flavor of Doritos! I stop and take a closer look. "Fiery Habanero" flavor. I have to have these! As a bonus, they are half price! I throw them in the basket and head to the register.

Let's recap, I have a bag of Doritos, a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a shit scoop for a litter box. Oh, and it's 2:45 in the morning! The girl at the checkout shoots me a look and to read her mind would go like this I assume... "This stoner has a dirty litter box at home. What a loser!"

I think to myself "Loser? Screw you, check out girl!" And I'm gone.

Home, I clean the litter box, wash my hands and try the Doritos. They are really hot!!! I need to cool my mouth off....

Good thing I have this pint of ice cream sitting here.

My girlfriend is asleep again. I'm thinking of waking her and holding up the new litter scoop and saying...

"Babe, look what I found in the coffee pot"