Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Letting Me Know

I went on a job interview yesterday. I hate job interviews. I have to squeeze my fat ass into a suit. I haven't been very active lately and my suit pants don't fit. In fact, they're so tight I had the elastic marks from my boxer shorts imprinting around my waist for hours after I took the damn thing off!

I had to ride the bus in the city. This was fun for an hour. Especially where I live and the people that ride it with me... I don't want to say I live near the ghetto but one of the stops on the route is the drive-through window of a White Castle...

I got to the interview and it went all right....I guess.

I always think it goes all right and then I never hear back from them! Maybe it's me but I doubt it!

As I was being interviewed I realized it's always the same questions EVERY time. It's like every employer has the same three or four basic questions and they must get the same damn answers every time. I was thinking while I was answering what it would have been like if I answered them honestly...

"Tell us why you'd be a good fit for us"

-Well, I most likely won't be. I'll spend the early parts of my employment filled with tremendous joy about how great this job is going to be and how much opportunity it will present me with! After a couple of months of this, the feelings will fade into thoughts of how much I hate this job and everyone here. I will spend months 3-6 looking for a new job (which I won't find) and then months 6-12 being a bastard to everyone until I finally freak out and scream "go fuck yourselves" and storm out over a fellow staff member asking me to pass them a pencil.

"What special qualities or talents do you feel you could bring to our company"

-I can juggle.... I can also drink an obscene amount of Vodka and not throw up from it.... I can amaze prospective clients with my great knowledge of John Hughes films and quotes from said movies....."Gary was just taking a shit"...... I'm a bad listener but a GREAT conversationalist (ironic I know).....I can also spot a boob job from a mile away. Sometimes, however, it does require a "closer" look.... I can bullshit with the best of them and lie right your face without you knowing.... I would never steal money (office supplies and canned air to clean my home PC with are fair game)..... I can name the last FIVE Presidents on the United States, IN ORDER!

"Tell me some things you could be better at"

-I can ride a two wheeled bike but not a unicycle..... I can't hold my breath very long under water.... Sometimes, when I floss, I rush it a bit.... I don't speak German very well.... I was never any good on Ice skates and I suck on skis..... I find it hard to convince most people they shouldn't kill themselves!

And at the end of that they would just say...

"We will let you know"


Blogger Rusty said...

Interviews are certainly got that right.

I propose that you actually use some of those in upcoming interviews if they don't seem to be going well from the start! It might be worth it for the looks on their faces! Of course, you'll be blacklisted in your field, but what the hell? It'll still be funny.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Dim said...

Man, I seriously have some blog envy on this post...friggin BRILLIANT!!!!

Plus, you managed to work in a "Weird Science" quote. That kicks ass.

Well played, Annoyed.

- D.

7:18 PM  
Blogger March to the Sea said...

we currently have openings here. Dim and I work at the same see Office Space..its got NUTTIN on us.

6:29 AM  
Blogger Jenny G said...

I love that! Are you me? Your answer to why you would be a good fit is EXACTLY how I feel about my current job. I'm in month 10...

7:01 AM  
Blogger Caroline said...

Wow, you are brilliant!!I've been going on quite a few interviews lately and I completely agree with you. It totally sucks, and who seriously gives the "right answer" to any of those questions?

9:31 AM  
Anonymous billy said...

Next time I have an interview you're coming with me and I'll just point to you to answer. These are perfect.

They'll give you the job anyway!

12:02 PM  

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