People I Can Do Without #2

In our weekly feature I have chosen a group of people that all represent the same thing to me.

Professional athletes that DEMAND to be traded!

Now, if the GM is caught banging your wife I can understand the want and desire to be traded. Same thing goes if the batgirl is stalking you and sending dead animals to your children. These reasons and others like them are a good excuse for a change of scenery.

However, I'm worn out with these assholes, like Miguel Tejada, who claim they just "aren't happy with the direction the team is going" So, instead of earning the millions of dollars they are guaranteed to earn based on their bloated contracts they would rather go somewhere else and win. God forbid they stick around and help turn things around...No, they aren't happy and would like to be traded to a winner.

This got me to thinking about the true victims in all of this... The fans! While these assholes go off and play for good teams we're left behind with the losers. Imagine if this worked both ways?

Imagine this phone call in the early summer of 2004......


Receptionist: NY Mets executive offices

Fan: Hello, may I speak to Fred Wilpon?

Receptionist: Who's calling?

Fan: Joe, from Queens, I'm a season ticket holder.

Receptionist: Hold, one moment.

Insert annoying Mets music

Fred Wilpon: Hello? Joe, what can I do for you?

Fan: Mr. Wilpon, I purchased season tickets after the 2000 season.

Fred Wilpon: Well, that's fantastic! Fans like you is what it's all about Joe.

Fan: Well, I'm starting to think I made a mistake sir. This the third season the team is going no where.

Fred Wilpon: Joe, we understand your frustration and we're committed to building a winner here.

Fan: Well, I've heard this before and I've run out of patience sir. I would like to be traded to the Yankees.

Fred Wilpon: Excuse me?

Fan: I would like you to call George Steinbrenner and have my season tickets traded across town. It appears to me that Mr. Steinbrenner is committed to building a winner in the Bronx and I'm not happy with the direction the Mets have been taking.

Fred Wilpon: Sorry Joe, we can't do that?

Fan: Why not? It's a simple phone call. In fact, I DEMAND to be traded to a winner.

Fred Wilpon: Joe, you signed a season ticket contract with us at the beginning of the year. There are no refunds and nothing we can do. At the end of the year you are free to leave.

Fan: I don't feel like honoring my agreement. I didn't want to tell you this but I have hired Drew Rosenhaus to represent me and he will be calling you to whine if I don't get my way.

Fred Wilpon: Joe, I will not negotiate in mid season.

Fan: That's fine sir, I would like you to know that I will be doing sit ups in my driveway this afternoon and will refuse to report to anymore games until you meet my demands!

Fred Wilpon: Joe, I'm sorry you feel that way but too bad! We've got your money and we're not giving it back. You signed an contract and will have to honor it!

Fan: How bout a free hotdog every third game?

Fred Wilpon: Again, I will not negotiate mid-season. Have Mr. Rosenhaus bring it up during the winter. Good day sir!


And that would be it! A giant fuck off!

Meanwhile these spoiled players aren't happy with their millions of dollars and fame and go on TV and complain to the press and the fans about there current "situations"

Hey Miguel! Do you think some poor slob Orioles fan struggling to put his three kids through college cares that you are unhappy making the money you do? Your suck ass team is a small part of what keeps him from completely cracking at times. It's a few hours of diversion and entertainment. Keep you mouth shut and play ball!

If you don't I hope they put you in a car with T.O., Ron Artest, and all the other crybabies out there and drive it right off a cliff! All the Eagles, Pacers, and Orioles fans can gather, pay $5, and actually have reason to cheer in regards to you losers.