Friday, February 19, 2010

People I can Do Without #19

Jesus H. Woods!
Why can't an athlete or famous person just say the following...
"I was rich, I was horny, I wanted to get laid"
That's it! Simple.
All this... "I hurt my family, my sponsors, families who's kids looked up to me"
Blah, blah, blah...
"I was rich, I was horny, I wanted to get laid"
Next time, Tiger, just say that. Save us all the 15 minutes of nonsense. Memorize it and pass it along to Brad Pitt, John Edwards, John Mayer, Arod and any other famous person who gets in "trouble" for simply acting like a human being.Two rules to live by when you reach that level.
1. Never get married. For any reason!
2. If you don't get married (Talking to John Mayer here) NEVER apologize for being honest about your sex life.
In the end, Tiger Woods' real issue wasn't that he cheated it was that he should have never gotten married in the first place. I know that wouldn't play well with most women but fuck it!
They aren't buying his golf shit anyway.
Refund your wedding guests their gifts and then move on! Get out of rehab and take David Duchovny with you.
"I was rich, I was horny, I wanted to get laid"

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Friday, October 03, 2008

People I Can Do Without #18

Am I the only one a little bit tired of these "Undecided" voters?

These attention whores who find their way onto CNN and other news stations at the end of every debate. Last night, following the VP debate, I was subjected to another group of these losers.
And they are losers! A lot of "um" and "well" and general drivel flowed like tapped kegs of ignorance as the woman with the mic continued to stick it in each one of their bloated, uneducated faces. They try and use big words and wind up stammering worse than a retarded person with Tourette's. At the end of their "thought" it's always the same line... "Well, I STILL don't know"

In other words, "please invite me back for the next focus group, following the next debate so I can be on TV one more time"

I'm sorry, but we've been at this for EIGHTEEN months! You've had eighteen months to "decide" who you're voting for. If you can't make a decision in that amount of time do us all a favor and just don't vote! Your obviously too dumb to be trusted to do so.

I understood in 2000 when people were undecided. Bush and Gore literally agreed on every issue at all three debates. Dozens and dozens of times they said they agreed with each other. There were no real differences to be found and trust me, I looked.

In the end, I voted for none of the above and cast my ballot for Nader.

I was "undecided"

However, in 2008, that's not an option this late in the game. At this point, after the past eighteen months, it's time to pick a side and decide where you stand. And I really don't care where that is, just get on your damn feet!
There are clear and obvious differences on McCain and Obama's platforms and views.

Whatever your issue...
1. Health Care
2. Education
3. Alternative Energy
4. The Economy
5. Abortion
6. Iraq
7. Pakistan
8. Foreign Policy and how it will relate to discussions and negotiations with other nations.

There are clear differences, in BOTH campaigns, as they relate to personal philosophy and execution of all of these ideas above.
Make up your damn mind!

If you dedicated HALF the time you have whoring yourself out to focus groups these past eighteen months and actually took time to just THINK you wouldn't be "undecided"

And most importantly you wouldn't be on my television and in my living room!

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Monday, August 04, 2008

I Flip-Flop.... Do You?

So this is what the American public is reduced to? Simple little phrases, uttered by simple little people to try and simplify really complicated issues.

"Flip-Flop" the verb, and "Flip-Flopper" the noun, are adding to the generalized embarrassment that this country has become and no one seems to mind.

The term "Flip-Flop" was coined by the Bush administration. That should be enough for any intelligent person to never use it in a sentence. Unfortunately, most people are absolute morons and these morons have actually convinced themselves that changing one's mind, for ANY reason, is a sign of weakness. That starting out wrong, and staying wrong is actually better than ultimately being right!

Go back and re-read that last paragraph.


I thought after the past eight years we were ready to get serious in this country. Apparently I was wrong. Both sides, Republican and Democrat, are using this nauseating verbage every day it seems to describe something I've always found appealing in intelligent people. The ability to change one's mind when being presented with new information.

It's true that the act of forming an opinion and standing by that opinion is a sign of leadership. However, the refusal to alter that opinion when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary isn't leadership at all. It's hard-headed stupidity and until the American public is will to recognize and accept this we will continue to deserve the kind of "leadership" the Bush administration has demonstrated these past eight years.

As a small example.


This issue is so dumb it's actually mind-blowing. It's a knee jerk reaction to a huge problem. A problem so large that it's going to take decades to remedy it and no single thing will fix it.

Gas prices are through the roof because of greedy oil companies and now people are willing to listen to these same companies as they offer solutions to the problem they helped create. Meanwhile, Exxon/Mobile reports another quarter of record profits and we're supposed to trust them and their solutions?

Not me! Here's a few things to keep in mind as this issue continues to become this election cycles gay marriage. This year's wedge issue...

1. Most experts agree that it will take a minimum of six YEARS to actually find and harvest any oil here in America. At that point the total amount found will equal about .002 percent of the world's oil supply.

2. During that six years we will continue to pay the gas premiums we are now. If John McCain is allowed to present this as the cornerstone of his energy policy I can assure you that the price of gas and food will continue to strangle the average American family.

3. Simply harvesting oil isn't enough. We still have to refine it! Neither side has actually discussed this idea. The solution would be to build more American refineries. This is the solution of many oil executives. A simple way to increase their output and produce more profit. There is a bigger question in all of this...

Where are we going to build these extra refineries? They pollute tons and aren't environmentally sound. No one wants them built next to their homes! Sorta like prisons. Everyone wants more of them, just not in their backyards.

4. Even if we do harvest and refine this .002 percent of the world's oil there's no guarantee that it will actually wind up in American cars and homes. Currently over 90 percent of all the oil produced in America winds up in the foreign market. It's shipped to places like Europe where they pay more than double what we do already. These American oil companies have ZERO intention of keeping this extra oil here at home. No way and no how. It doesn't make any economic sense to do so.

In the end this is a typical American "solution". Instant gratification to a problem 100 years in the making. It's impossible to solve these problems by simply drilling more. Impossible!

Unfortunately the American consumer is so dumb that Barack Obama has had to change his stance on the subject. He's gone from being totally against the idea to now agreeing to compromise on the subject and use the issue as part of a larger, further-reaching, energy policy.


That's what the talking heads on right-wing television and radio would have you believe. They call it "flip-flopping" while I call it actual leadership.

See, when the majority of the electorate want something it's important to listen to them. Even if they are wrong. That's the idea of a "democracy" and our "by the people, for the people" idea of government. Obama has realized that simply saying no on this subject isn't going to work. He's agreed to compromise with the people on the Right. People who owe big oil most of their senate and house seats in the first place. He's agreed to re-visit the idea and possibly make off-shore drill PART of a much larger energy policy. Give a little to get a lot.

Work across the political aisle to try and find a solution everyone can feel comfortable with.

Obama is smart enough to realize getting everyone on board is better than leaving half the country behind. After all, he's not running for President of the Blue States.

The McCain camp has jumped all over this and are trying to sell it as weakness.

I would say that electing a man willing to try and listen to both sides and adjust his thinking accordingly is a sign of strength and intelligence. If nothing else, a breath of fresh air. After all, the "our way, or the highway" policies of the Bush administration these past eight years have lead this country into numerous dead ends both here at home and abroad. Most of these policies are ones the McCain camp is all too willing to see continue the next four years.

If "Flip-Flop" is code for changing one's mind then I'd rather have a flip-flopper in charge than an old, stubborn man that refuses to reconsider his thoughts or ideas no matter what anyone thinks. Imagine a world where no one ever changed their view of what was right based on new information and public opinion....

A flat world, the sun revolved around when the moon made of cheese wasn't filling the night sky. A country where black people weren't considered whole humans in the eyes of the law and where women didn't have the right to vote.

What a wonderful place indeed.

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

People I Can Do Without #17

Brett Favre needs to go away! 

And not in one of those football ways former players go away.  No working in the booth duringlive telecasts and no coaching or front office stuff either. Hell, I don't even want to see him on the card show circuit signing autographs.

He needs to disappear, FOREVER!

I can't take it anymore. The crying and the constant need for attention that started five years ago before the final game of the 2002 season. The every off-season of "will he or won't he" that hijacks sports TV for months and months.

And have I mentioned the crying?

Sweet Jesus, the crying!  

You're a football player, not a broadway dancer! Suck it up and act like a man. 

I wouldn't mind so much if he ever cried half as much after throwing one of his patented season killing touchdowns. The ones he threw every post season since the late 90s. For all of the "greatest quarterback" talk that gets thrown around when talking of Favre's  career it amazes me that those interceptions never seem to come up.  Montana, Brady, Young, and Elway never did that every year. Yet somehow Favre has wormed his way into the debate with those four.

If you need a quarterback for one game, one game with ten million on the line... winner take all, are you really picking Brett Favre? Of course not! He doesn't even make the short list. 

These days the Packers don't want him for the last game either. In fact, they don't want him for any of the sixteen games this year.  It seems they're over him too.  

My only question is why it even took this long? If I were the Packers I'd send him a thank you card attached to a case of kleenex and tell him to have a great life.  Then change the locks and disconnect the phone! 

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Sunday, July 06, 2008

In Conversation: Numby

Running short on ideas and committed to updating this blog 2-3 times a week it looks like I'm going to have to be a little bit more "creative"

This will start to include interview segments with subjects that tend to annoy me. Subject number one is my cat, Numby. That's pronounced "numb-E" 

He was named this after we brought him home and I spent the first week or two of his life calling him "numbnuts"

As in....

"Numbnuts, stop climbing up my bare leg"

This wasn't okay with my other half as she is somehow convinced that the cat can not only understand English but knows what the word "numbnuts" means. Never mind, that at this point of his life, the cat had NO nuts at all! Calling him "no-nuts" was too literal and not as much fun for me.

This continued for a little while longer until my other half insisted I stop. In my quest to make her happy I discontinued my use of "numbnuts" and began calling him by a new name, "Dummy"

Apparently the cat knew what this meant as well and my other half wasn't happy with this choice either. I grew frustrated and reached the following compromise... If I couldn't call him "Numbnuts" and if "Dummy" was also out of the question I would call him "Numby" and there we had it... Our new baby boy was named Numby!

Numby is three years old now and still terribly behaved. This really isn't his fault as he suffers from awful anxiety as a result of being separated from his mother too early in life. He will lick you for two hours straight, cry for food when there's a full plate and shake the closed bedroom door in the middle of the night as if he was a girl running away from a killer in a horror movie and getting through this door was the only way to survive.

Of course, looking like that I would let him in and he would call me "big poppa"

Anyway, without further ado... My conversation with Numby.

Mr. A - Numby, how are you?

Numby - Meow

Mr. A - Why, in the middle of the night, do you shake the door so violently that your mother and I are awoken from our sleep in fear of our lives?

Numby- Meow....

Mr. A - Fair enough, but if you're hungry why not eat the food already on your plate in the kitchen? Do you even check the plate? See, I don't think you do. I think that when the sun starts to appear outside the window you think "time to eat" and start freaking out! Never mind that it's 5:30 in the morning and we have to work all day.

Numby- (purrs)

Mr. A - I know that it pleases you to eat but it pleases the humans to sleep.  On to other topics. Why won't you use the scratching post I purchased? Your sister uses it and is perfectly happy to do so. Why do you use the rugs and chairs? Keep it up and I'm taking the rugs away

Numby - (hisses)

Mr. A - Well, that's too bad.

Numby - (Hisses louder)

Mr. A - You brought this on yourself. You have only yourself to blame! And while we're on the topic of personal behavior, why can't you cover up your shit when you're done in the litter box? Honestly! I've never seen a cat walk into a litter box, shit, and then walk back out without even kicking the litter one time. I mean you don't even ATTEMPT to cover it! One Goddamn kick! Is it really that hard? We buy you new litter all the time and clean that box so it's fit for a king to shit in and you can't even give me one half-assed kick? Can't even fake it?

Numby - (tilts his head to the left and stares)

Mr. A - You know what I'm saying!

Numby - (walks away)

Mr. A - Good talk. Thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Annoyed for President

I wrote the following months ago and never published it. Not sure why... it's pretty good! Anyway, as I warned when I jumped back into the madness that is blogging I will be getting a bit more political.

Don't worry, this won't become a "political blog." (the next post I've written is an interview with my cat) But this was worth sharing I thought.... I hope I can count on your votes in 2012!

I'm too young to run for President. However, in a few years that won't be the case.

With this in mind, I've decided to start my grass roots campaign now. In the coming weeks I will be announcing my cabinet, VP and slogan.

In the meantime here's some of my domestic policies....

1. Abortion will remain safe and legal.

- Wire hangers and back alley doctors will not have a place in my America. This will not be a state by state issue. It will be federal law!

2. Drugs will be decriminalized. Pot will be LEGAL!

- Pot is only illegal because of big business. The logging industry saw to this back in the early part of the 1900s. If you can grow it in your back yard it's yours to enjoy.

- Making pot illegal while alcohol isn't is backwards at best.

- The "War on Drugs" is a tremendous failure. How anything that attacks and looks to punish sick people can be considered "right" or "justified" is beyond rational thinking.

- Anyone caught selling drugs to anyone under the age of 18 will be sent to jail for 20 years with no chance of parole. Period. While drugs will be legal for any adult to enjoy the choice to use drugs will be a "grown up" one.

- The money being used to fight this "war on drugs" will be diverted into education and treatment. After giving people all the facts we will trust them to make choices for themselves. If they get in over their heads we will help them get back on track. We will treat people with compassion and understanding. A very underrated concept in today's America.

- Child Molesters will not serve less time than Pot Heads in my America.

3. We will be off gasoline by the year 2020.

- Alternative fuels will be developed here in America. People working for the oil companies will be hired by the new alternative providers. We will ensure this happens more often than not by offering tax incentives to do so.

- All diesel engines will be converted to run on bio-diesel.

- Ethanol will be outlawed. While it burns cleaner than gas it pollutes just as much to make. Plus, the corn lobby has run amuck for far to long in this country. Convert your fields to hemp or soy and lets move on.

4. Corn Syrup will be eliminated from all food products by the year 2015.

- People wonder why Americans are getting fatter and fatter. Look no further than your food labels. High Fructose Corn Syrup is literally killing people by the millions every year.

5. No more Bushes or Clintons will be allowed to hold political office.

- If this needs explaining I don't want your vote.

6. The electoral college will be destroyed.

- A concept created to ensure minorities had no voice in America. All these years later it still does.

- One person, one vote. People argue that it gives voice to everyone while it does the complete opposite. If I live in Texas and vote Democrat, why should I even leave the house on election day? Same if I want to vote Republican living in Massachusetts. In my America every one's vote will count. A crazy idea in a "democracy" I know.

7. Election day will be a national holiday.

- No more excuses for not voting (Ladies, I'm talking to you)

- In order to make room for this on the calendar, every forth year Columbus Day will not be observed. It's nonsense anyway.

8. Health care will be provided, free of charge, for anyone that can't afford it.

- You will be allowed to pick your coverage and if you already have it, the company you work for will be required to keep you on their health plan for the duration of your employment.

- Any company that employs more than ten people will need to offer health coverage to their employees.

9. Anyone caught quoting the bible in a public, political setting will be shot to death on site.

- If you think you know what Jesus would do then ask him directly!

10. Semi-automatic weapons will be banned!

-If the NRA has a problem with this then they can show up to a rally full of parents who lost their sons and daughters to gun violence, look them in the eyes and explain why a hunter needs to shoot Bambi with a banana clip full of ammo. If it's really a sport than let's make it bit more sporting....

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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Sky Is Falling!

Well, maybe not literally. However, there is some strange shit going on with the world's weather right now. The fires in California, Typhoons and Earthquakes in Asia. And let's not forget that Rosie O'Donnell is still on the lose!

And now the folks on the left are running around screaming GLOBAL WARMING! GLOBAL WARMING!

Well.... Yes, and no.

The fact is Global Warming is a real threat. It does exist and isn't a "theory" as the chimp in the White House was claiming up until a year or so ago. However, it's not leading to the end of the world in the next five minutes if Obama isn't elected.

While some of these events can be traced back to climate change and our arrogant abuse of the planet the fact is many of them can just be filed under the heading of "Shit Happens"

And it does....

Mudslides, Hurricanes, Forest Fires, Avalanches, Typhoons, Tsunamis, Volcanic Eruptions, Earthquakes, Mass Flooding and Tornadoes.

All of these things have been happening since before the invention of hairspray and charcoal.

Certainly we haven't helped. However, I find it more than a little hypocritical that the left wing environmental groups have hijacked this topic and have made it their sole goals in life to try and scare the living hell out of everybody by exploiting it ad nausea.

Four years ago I watched the Republicans tell anyone within ear shot that if elected President, John Kerry would sit back and watch as the "terrorists and evil doers" blew the hell out of every city in America!

The politics of fear! And it worked... The worst President in history "won" a second term.

Fear is a powerful thing and it was shameful how the Right Wing exploited it for their own greed and agenda. It pissed me off then and it still does now.

But now here we are, four years later, and I'm watching the fringe of the Left Wing do the same thing with global warming. They want you to believe that if you elect John McCain he'll sit back and watch as American cities are swallowed up by the oceans.


Will Barack Obama push harder for alternative fuels and a more sound energy policy than McCain? I believe he will. And I will be voting for Obama over McCain for a dozen other reasons as well.

However, fear will not be one of them.

I would urge my friend's on the left to give the finger to environmental groups pushing the politics of fear the same way they gave the finger to fear mongers four years ago when pulling that lever for Kerry. Global Warming is a serious problem that requires serious attention paid to it. It will require all hands on deck from BOTH sides of the political aisle. By allowing it to become a wedge issue we as Americans are permitting the one truly bi-partisan issue we have to become a Left Vs. Right "debate"

Helping heal the planet shouldn't be open to debate. It's one of those things that we should all be able to agree on by applying simple common sense.

Like hunting down Rosie O'Donnell and locking her away...

Think of the all wasteful air we could save.

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