Sunday, July 06, 2008

In Conversation: Numby

Running short on ideas and committed to updating this blog 2-3 times a week it looks like I'm going to have to be a little bit more "creative"

This will start to include interview segments with subjects that tend to annoy me. Subject number one is my cat, Numby. That's pronounced "numb-E" 

He was named this after we brought him home and I spent the first week or two of his life calling him "numbnuts"

As in....

"Numbnuts, stop climbing up my bare leg"

This wasn't okay with my other half as she is somehow convinced that the cat can not only understand English but knows what the word "numbnuts" means. Never mind, that at this point of his life, the cat had NO nuts at all! Calling him "no-nuts" was too literal and not as much fun for me.

This continued for a little while longer until my other half insisted I stop. In my quest to make her happy I discontinued my use of "numbnuts" and began calling him by a new name, "Dummy"

Apparently the cat knew what this meant as well and my other half wasn't happy with this choice either. I grew frustrated and reached the following compromise... If I couldn't call him "Numbnuts" and if "Dummy" was also out of the question I would call him "Numby" and there we had it... Our new baby boy was named Numby!

Numby is three years old now and still terribly behaved. This really isn't his fault as he suffers from awful anxiety as a result of being separated from his mother too early in life. He will lick you for two hours straight, cry for food when there's a full plate and shake the closed bedroom door in the middle of the night as if he was a girl running away from a killer in a horror movie and getting through this door was the only way to survive.

Of course, looking like that I would let him in and he would call me "big poppa"

Anyway, without further ado... My conversation with Numby.

Mr. A - Numby, how are you?

Numby - Meow

Mr. A - Why, in the middle of the night, do you shake the door so violently that your mother and I are awoken from our sleep in fear of our lives?

Numby- Meow....

Mr. A - Fair enough, but if you're hungry why not eat the food already on your plate in the kitchen? Do you even check the plate? See, I don't think you do. I think that when the sun starts to appear outside the window you think "time to eat" and start freaking out! Never mind that it's 5:30 in the morning and we have to work all day.

Numby- (purrs)

Mr. A - I know that it pleases you to eat but it pleases the humans to sleep.  On to other topics. Why won't you use the scratching post I purchased? Your sister uses it and is perfectly happy to do so. Why do you use the rugs and chairs? Keep it up and I'm taking the rugs away

Numby - (hisses)

Mr. A - Well, that's too bad.

Numby - (Hisses louder)

Mr. A - You brought this on yourself. You have only yourself to blame! And while we're on the topic of personal behavior, why can't you cover up your shit when you're done in the litter box? Honestly! I've never seen a cat walk into a litter box, shit, and then walk back out without even kicking the litter one time. I mean you don't even ATTEMPT to cover it! One Goddamn kick! Is it really that hard? We buy you new litter all the time and clean that box so it's fit for a king to shit in and you can't even give me one half-assed kick? Can't even fake it?

Numby - (tilts his head to the left and stares)

Mr. A - You know what I'm saying!

Numby - (walks away)

Mr. A - Good talk. Thanks for stopping by!


Blogger Rusty said...

That's hilarious, and sounds quite a bit like me with my kittens.

When they were smaller (before they were neutered), if they did something mischievous, I'd tell them I would have their balls hacked off if they didn't behave. For example: "Just wait, you little feline bastards! You keep pissing in my shower, and I promise, you'll have your nads chopped off before you can say 'meow'!"

My mom would hear me through the phone and say, "Stop that! They'll hear you!" *sigh* Seriously, they SO can't understand me.

I really do love them, though, as I'm sure you love Numby. :D

6:56 PM  
Blogger Hotwire said...

oh, i'm aware of a cat who will not kick litter. her name is reilly and is the single most annoying being east of the mighty mississippi.

6:06 PM  
Blogger A.S.S. said...

Cats make good soup.

9:53 AM  

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