Monday, May 15, 2006

In Boyardee, We Trust!

I don't want anymore Italian cooking tips from skinny people!

I want my Sushi chef to be Asian, my kosher chef to be Jewish and, most important of all, my Italian chefs to be fat!

Pretty simple isn't it?

Besides, when is the last time you ate a good Italian meal prepared by a rail thin stick figure like the woman above?

For those of you that don't know, the woman above is named Giada De Laurentiis and she hosts a show on The Food Network called "Everyday Italian." This woman is so annoying she makes Rachel Ray seem normal.

She makes these huge Italian dishes and NEVER eats them! She takes a bite or sip of each one and makes all these orgasmic sounds like it was the best dish ever, brags about how great it is, and then that's it! She puts it down! The next scene is her giving the food away or inviting her friends over to eat what she made.

Hey lady! If your food is so fucking good then why don't you ever eat it???

Not to mention each dish is about 30,000 calories! I swear to Christ the drink she made tonight must of been 3,000 by itself! It was made of 90% heavy cream.

But look at her! She looks like Michael J. Fox's wife if she were a starving Vegan!

I want my Italian Chefs to look like this....

Nothing says "I know how to cook" better than a 300 pound Italian man with sausage around his neck.

That's who I want to learn from.

A man who cooks every meal like it may be his last, because at any second his heart very well may explode!


Blogger Dim said...

Great post as usual! Wait til you see how many hits you get on your blog now because you included that Giada woman. Guys LOVE her for some reason...I don't really see it. Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

- D.

5:30 AM  
Blogger Rusty said...

BWAHAHAHA! Hilarious!! I feel the exact same way about Giada. Never trust a skinny cook, I always say. :) Another thing that bothers me about Giada is the fact that she weighs about 8 pounds, but hunches her back over like a 90 year old woman. Her boobs are big - and completely obvious every damn show, because they're hanging out - but they can't be so heavy that she's getting a hunchback!

The worst thing about Giada is the way she pronounces every "Italian" word as if she just got off the boat. Like, for instance, spaghetti is "spuh-GIT-tee" with her practically spitting out the last two syllables. GRRR.

I'm Italian, and very proud of it, and I'd take Mario Batali over her any day as the spokesperson of Italian cooking. The sausages suit him.

5:38 AM  
Blogger Jenny G said...

I just saw part of Giada's "chefography" and she was sort of chunky when she was at Le Cordon Bleu. I agree, though, that you can't trust a skinny cook. I think Mario is a billion times more annoying than Giada, but that might be because he reminds me of one of my old neighbors who was also a pompous blowhard. I do want to punch Giada in her big head when she breaks out her Italian accent though.

8:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being an ex-chef I have to agree wih you on this one.

Chef Boy-Ar-Bitch needs to eat a sausage! She might want to have some food at some point also!


6:50 PM  
Blogger Trixie said...

Came across your blog while reading another--i love this post.

A friend of mine was watchign her show and it reminded her of a porn film...the cheesy porn music and the as she put it "the slutty lookin' chef"

I personally like Mario. Got a chance to meet him and he was very nice and funny.

11:47 AM  

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