Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Sour Apples

Happy Birthday to me....

With apologies to Dim, I'm ripping off some of his previous photos and using them here. Why? Cause they fit perfect with this birthday tale.

Who's Dim?

Dim is the author of "Dim City". It can be found in the links on the right side of this page. If you have an hour to kill it would be well worth your time to give it a full read. It is much better than mine. Serious Blog envy and if I ever get my sitcom idea off the ground I'm driving to Massachusetts and throwing Dim into my car and forcing him to write for the show.

And by "forcing" I mean there will be serious trouble if he doesn't come peacefully.


My wonderful MP3 player that I've had for the past two years finally shit the bed last week. It was a Creative Labs "Nomad", 40 gig MP3 player. It was a little bigger than an Ipod but did the same thing for around $150 less. I LOVED this thing. I own about 3,000 CDs and this thing had enough juice to hold the bulk of them. Did I mention I LOVED it? Took in the car and on the subway. Me and that thing have had some nice times together. I always liked how it enabled me to ignore drunks and crystal myth freaks in the Port Authority at night. Even fucked up insane people realize someone has headphones in and the music blaring from them is real. It was a wonderful tool.

Anyway, it stopped taking a charge last week. I couldn't figure out was wrong until the section where the power chord went just fell the fuck out. It was then that I said to myself... "This might be it" I was heart broken but knew I'd have some money coming in from my birthday this weekend and set out to replace it.

A new one still runs around $250. The only problem being, they stopped making the 40 gig and they are very hard to find new. They only make a 30 gig and a 60 gig and they are both the video player type. I don't need a video played in my MP3 player. They are to small to enjoy movies on and too big to hide porn in a public place.... ZERO use to me! Plus they are the "Zen Touch" models. What's a "Zen Touch?" It's a rip off of Apple's click wheel. BUT, it's VERY sensitive. You touch this thing and you're already nine spots from where you wanted to go in the blink of an eye. It drives you fucking crazy! In fact there is nothing remotely "zen" about it!

How do I know this? Because my buddy J.L., or as he's known on this blog: A.S.S., got one about a month ago. He got one only after I talked him out of getting an Ipod. I did this by telling him "Ipod's suck...They all break" I told him to read Dim's Take on this subject at the following link...


Anyway, I'm looking at this new generation of Creative lab players and thinking I really didn't like them. So I started shopping around. I finally settled on a new player and, yup, you guessed it! I BOUGHT A FUCKING IPOD!

Not a brand new one (that would be too smart)... I went onto the Apple website and searched for the "factory reconditioned" items. I picked out the 40 gig, 4th generation Ipod with the click wheel. It was only $200 and suited me fine. It was smaller than my Creative Labs player and size has become important to me these days. Not like a woman who just gave birth to twins the old fashioned way...But important all the same. I'm going to the gym more and more and getting in pretty good shape. Not saying you can bounce a single quarter off my stomach but a roll of quarters would go FLYING at this point! My MP3 player is just too big and bulky. It's too heavy to clip to my shorts and is always flying off the treadmill and crashing to floor. Not before it almost trips and kills me of course, and was actually becoming hazardous. I had bought a fanny pack to wear (or as I called it in front of my girlfriend: a "sports belt") but my girlfriend made such fun of it I returned it and got my money back. Apple makes a sports band that I can wear on my arm. I thought this would be great for the treadmill, the weight machine's and for the mountain bike I got for my birthday. The Ipod also holds a longer charge and all around was a better fit for me at this point.

So I ordered the "Factory Reconditioned" Ipod from Apple. Now, Apple promises these to work just as good as a new Ipod but truthfully that gave me no comfort. Everyone I know has had their Ipod crash and burn on them at least once in the first year after they got it. So, I figured I will be smart and get the extended warranty which fully covers me for two years. Also, I knew if I called my mom and told her all of this she would offer to send me a check and treat this as a birthday gift. So, that means.... FREE IPOD!!!

Anyway, I received this thing over the weekend and installed the Itunes software last night. The software pulled all the MP3s from my Creative software and organized them right into Itunes. "This is awesome" I said to myself. Then I hooked up the Ipod. Everything was fine until my computer froze and wouldn't do anything. The Ipod is flashing a "Do Not Disconnect" message and I'm waiting and waiting. After about 6 hours of this I disconnected the thing and that was it! DEAD! It wouldn't do a thing. I spent hours trouble shooting this on the Apple website and finally called costumer support. I got some guy from India on the phone and after an hour of broken English he had been only successful in disconnecting our phone call. I called back and got some guy named Brian on the phone. Well, Brian and I spent two hours troubleshooting until Brian finally announces "Sir, this Ipod is defective. You are going to have to send it back for repair"

"REPAIR!!!! I just got the fucking thing!" I responded in just those terms.

"I'm very sorry sir but there is nothing more we can do. You should have it back in a month"

"Factory Reconditioned".... They should call them... "Other people's broken shit that we "fixed" and polished for a sucker like you"

Now I'm thinking "I don't want to get this thing back, let alone in a MONTH!...It's already broken and it's only a day old"

I call Apple sales and bitch them out. They agree to send me a "new" one as soon as I mail this one back. I should have that by Friday. I would just tell them to take the whole thing back but I bought all the accessories (car charger, Sports Wrap, etc.) in anticipation of the Ipod's D.O.A

After I tell the women I spent FIVE hours on my birthday dealing with this shit she offers me a $25 credit and a giant "sorry" and I took it. I just wanted it over.

And now for the cherry on top of this shit sundae....

My mother calls me and tells me. "Don't cash that check. I quit my job"

Happy Birthday, indeed!


Blogger Dim said...

Oh man, for real, your comments are WAY too nice. Thanks for pimping my blog. For the record, I have blog envy of your entries as well.

Enough of the ballwashing.

I was laughing throughout this! Sorry for the situation, but it is just so humorous and amazingly, unexpected!

I still like the iPod, but get used to it breaking down. Welcome to the dark side.

- D.

5:04 AM  
Blogger Jenny G said...

Happy birthday! Sorry it sucked though. My boyfriend has a Zen and you're right about how fucking sensitive it is. If you even breath on it it scrolls through 1,000 songs. Kudos to your girlfriend for busting on the fanny pack so much that you returned it.

6:58 AM  
Blogger March to the Sea said...

happy belated b'day.

On a side note. I have had an ipod for close to 3 years. No issues. I love having music close and easy to get to. I like the video notion you had..too small for movies to big for porn! ha.

I hope stuff works out. and if if makes you feel better..you are younger than me

7:08 AM  
Blogger Rusty said...

Holy crap, dude. Life sucks hard, doesn't it? I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for your bitchingout of the Apple people. I get the feeling you could leave a customer service rep in tears. :)

I'm sorry your birthday didn't work out the way you wanted it to. Perhaps in November I'll tell the story of a few birthdays of mine that didn't work out, either...I think we could all have a laugh.

Best of luck with your new iPod. You didn't say if the new one is reconditioned or actually new. I hope it's new for all your trouble!

A fanny pack? Annoyed, PLEASE. Never. Your girlfriend is a smart chick for sending your "sports belt" packing. :P

7:50 AM  
Anonymous the girlfriend. said...

Don't think of it as me making fun of you. Think of it as me actually SAVING from several ass kickings you would have received at the gym for wearing a fanny pack to begin with.

11:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy do I know where you are coming from! NoSisterinlawofconsequence gave M.L. an ipod nano for his birthday and I still can't get it to work right! It crashed my computer, shows error messages all the time and just plain sucks. And, to top it all off, I can't use it with the Napster subscription that I have for my two Dell DJ's. They have never given me a moment of trouble and hold 10,000 songs! I am ready to buy a smaller one for M.L.
Happy Birthday to You! We hope to see you and the girlfriend when we are home.

1:03 PM  

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