Thursday, August 31, 2006

Lord Of The Ring


I took the plunge and asked my better half for her hand in marriage.

Because she said yes I thought I'd share it here.

We've known each other the better part of ten years and about a year and half ago started dating again after doing so in our early 20's for a little while. She's the most beautiful, wonderful women I've ever had the chance to know and will make for a wonderful partner the rest of days.

Of course it wouldn't be a blog post here without a story about the ring and how it happened.

About three weeks ago I decided to do this pretty much out of the blue. She had no idea this was coming and since I love surprises (when they aren't played on me) I thought I could make this one as well.

I called my mother in Las Vegas and had this conversation....

ME: Ma, remember that diamond ring you said I could have?

MOM: Yes... You're great grandmother's.

ME: I'd like it please.

My mother loses her breath and says she will send it out ASAP. First, she has to go the bank and get it out of the safe deposit box.

We hang up and I assume it will be in the mail in the next day or two. This was a Friday night.

It's now the following Wednesday and my mother calls to tell me she got it out and went to get it appraised and cleaned. It should be in the mail, Fed Ex, the next day of so...

Another two days goes by and my mother calls to tell me the women at the jewelry store talked her out of Fed Ex and has convinced her to send it through the Post Office.

I say, I don't like this idea but my mother assures me they have the best tracking system and that's how she's decided to send it. The next day is Saturday, eight days from the first phone call, and the ring will be in the mail tomorrow.

Monday I get a call and my mother says she just mailed it. Apparently she didn't have the right postage when she went the day before.... Love my mom!

She emails me the tracking number and says the guy at the post office told her it should be there no later than Thursday. We had it sent to my girlfriend's mother's house because it needed to be signed for and she's home during the day.

I'm working 19 hour days and am on the phone with her mother half of them. It wasn't showing. I get home on Thursday night and "track" the package. The USPS SUCKS!!!! They only thing they track is where it left from and at what time it left. This helps me tons since I already have this information!

I get up Friday and call the post office and get some mutant on the phone.

Mutant: Well, sir we track when it leaves and when it arrives.

Me: What kind of useless service is that? I know when it left and when it arrives I would know that too! Since I'd be holding it! So, every where in between is anyone's guess?

Mutant: It should have been there yesterday. If you don't have it by Monday call back and we'll start looking.

Me: If it's not here by Monday we're going to have a serious problem.

Friday, no ring.

Saturday, we have to go to her mother's for her grandmother's 83rd birthday surprise party. I hatch a plan the night before if the thing shows up while we are there.

Her mother, father, grandmother and her best friend are all going to be there so if the thing shows I'm going to do it right there in front of everyone.

For four hours I sat in the window like a anxious house cat! Waiting and waiting. Went outside to smoke about 10 cigarettes and then around 4:30 I spotted the mail truck down the block. I run over and scare the shit out of the postman.


To which he replies.... "Who the hell are you?"

A fair question.

I tell him and he digs it out... He had it!

I head back inside with it... It's important to note because of my girlfriend's and my work schedules, it's not uncommon we have things mailed to her mother's house.

I walk back in with the package and my girlfriend asks what I've got and I tell her my mother sent me something in the mail to which she just shrugs and goes back to helping her grandmother open her gifts.

After a moment I say, "Babe, actually, I think she sent this for you"

"For me"

"Yeah, I think this is for you"

I hand her the package and she digs out the ring box, still clueless to what's going on.... She looks at it confused and then opens it up.


That thing was shiny!

I say, "I was just wondering if you'd marry me"

Everyone is starting to freak out.... My girlfriend is BEGINNING to understand what's happening. The wheels are turning.

I'm next to her on my knee at this point and she just freaks the fuck out and starts yelling and crying and freaking out.

This goes on for about two minutes, although it felt like 30 because she never said yes... Finally her mother asked her "what are you going to tell him?"

And she screams out "yes, yes, yes!"

The neighbors must have thought there was a wild sex thing happening and more importantly that I was good!

Anyway, that my side of it.

No, we don't have a date yet.

No, that isn't a picture of the real ring. Perhaps she will post it on her blog with her version of this story. The real ring is over 80 years old... It was my great grandmother's and is very pretty.

There! That's my big news... Rose guessed it!

You're all invited! It will be an open bar and we will have watermelon at desert!

That should be enough for most of you!

Monday, August 28, 2006

People I Can Do Without #12

Not sure who I'm supposed to be pissed at here.

1. The child fucking asshole who falsely confessed?

2. The dumb-fuck prosecutors in Colorado who rushed in without proper evidence?

3. The national media who covered this like the biggest story in the history of mankind the past week or so?

I think I'll take..... all of the above!

Listen, not be a dick here but we are talking about ONE child murdered, 10 YEARS ago!

Every day in this country people get killed..... Many of them children. Granted they aren't all blond and blue-eyed. Some are brown and the general public doesn't give a shit about those kids!

However, I'm tired of tuning into the news to see what's going on in Iraq and on the airlines and in New Orleans and even on Pluto just to be bombarded with "news" in the JonBenet Ramsey case!

Frankly, I don't give a shit. It's tragic when a child gets killed... ANY child! JonBenet Ramsey's death is no more tragic then the thousands and thousands of children killed throughout the world every year.

Every single day numerous children are murdered in this world and not one mention on CNN.

Cover them all or don't bother with any of them!

I suppose the networks feel this will distract us just long enough until the next celebrity break-up "news" or the next blonde girl goes missing in Aruba.

Meanwhile, in "Other News"

Death count in Iraq = at least 2,629 so far.

Damned if I could name just one!

Here's a couple....

_ Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas, 29, Dorchester, Mass.; died Saturday in Baghdad after an explosive detonated near his patrol; assigned to the 1st Squadron, 61st Cavalry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division, Fort Campbell, Ky.

_ Marine Cpl. David G. Weimortz, 28, Irmo, S.C.; died Saturday in Anbar province; assigned to 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

Too bad they aren't a six year-old blonde beauty queen.... If so, they may actually warrant a fucking mention on the 6:00 news.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Work Sucks

The money is nice though!

I've been working 80+ hours a week on Law & Order; Criminal Intent the past 3 weeks...

Hence, the lack of posts.

However, I have some days off this week and I have some stories and rants to post.

Including encounters with Rip Torn and Eric Bogosian.

And some BIG personal news!

Plus, I get to catch up on my reading!!!

Stay tuned....

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

TWO Dollars!

I literally lost my mind tonight. The whole tale is starting to come back to me slowly and I think I can present it here.

I work in NYC and drive to work everyday. Once there I am forced to put my car in a parking garage because there in no street parking in NYC these days.

Tonight, I leave work and head to the garage. Once there, I stand and wait while the parking attendant is "explaining" to a man why it costs $12 more to park an SUV in the same exact spots they park all the cars in for $12 less. The attendant was a foreign fellow and the man finally relented and paid him the extra money.

The attendant then approaches me and I hand him my ticket and $20. This is the exact amount I owe. A moment goes by and the guy returns and tells me "You owe me two more dollars" and shows me the claim ticket. It's stamped with two different times on it, one that reads 7:03 AM and one that reads 7:05 PM. It seems that if you go over 12 hours the flat rate of $22 kicks in....

Now, it's TWO dollars but I've been standing there for five minutes while this guy argued with the other man. I tell him, "I've been here at least five minutes and I'm not paying you any extra money because you took your sweet-ass time getting around to helping me"

He says, "You just got here, you owe me two more dollars"

I say, "I stood here and listened to you debate the last guy (I repeat their conversation word for word) now give me my car"

He replies, "You weren't here and your not getting your car until you give me the two dollars"

At this point I LOSE MY SHIT!

I freak the fuck out on this guy.... He's calling me a liar and trying to squeeze extra money out of me in the process. My end got a little heated at this point.

I say, "You are either blind or a liar...Or both!"

I lean on over, look him right in the face and say VERY slowly, "Now give me my car"

To which he replies "Not until I get my two dollars"

I'm in the middle of Better Off Dead

I launch into..."You are a scumbag liar! A BLIND, scumbag liar! I'm not giving you another cent you asshole!"

At this point another guy had arrived for his car and has been waiting while most of this plays out...

GUY: Give him the two dollars!

ME: Stay out of this.

GUY: I come here every night. This guy is a sweetheart.

ME: He's a scumbag!

GUY: All this over two dollars?

ME: It's the principle! Who the fuck asked you your opinion anyway?

GUY: I've had a long day. You are ruining my Aura!

AT this point I throw myself into a spastic fit! I jump up and down and wave my arms up and down while spinning around in a circle.

ME: Not your aura.... Your delicate fucking aura! What will I do for sleep tonight if I ruin your aura?

GUY: Now your starting with me?

ME: Starting with you? You're the one who threw yourself into the middle of this!

GUY: I want to go home! Here (reaches into his wallet) I'm paying the two dollars!

ME: I don't give a shit who pays it as long as I don't!

The attendant is now YELLING for my car to brought around. It arrives in record time and I take time to call the middle man a "Green Tea drinking, Yoga, aura asshole" and thank him for his two dollars!

I'm driving away and realize that I will have to find a new garage tomorrow. I can't ever park there again. Of course, as luck would have it, it's the closest and cheapest garage to my job!

The black out ends and I think to myself....

Principle damn it!



Well, as it turns out, the gargage next to this one is actually cheaper!

Also, on my way home Friday night I looked in and saw three guys in a HEATED discussion with the SAME parking guy! They were yelling at him and pointing at the sign with the parking rates on it! He was trying to get over on them too...

It was 3:00 in the morning so I didn't stick around to see how it all ended. Wonder if the "aura" guy stepped into that one too?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Radio Ga Ga

I'm working again these days... VERY long hours.

To put it in perspective, I got home Friday at 6:30 Saturday morning!

Anyway, on the way home I was listen to Q104.3, the classic rock station here in the NYC area. It occurs to me that most of the songs they play on these Classic Rock stations suck! In the history of rock music there are millions of songs and somehow these stations play the same 100 over and over.

With this in mind I am calling for the immediate retirement of one song from every artist on the play list.

These are the songs that really get over-killed! Now this list would take forever to write so I've narrowed it down to the top 15 biggest offenders of sucking! Feel free to add your own.

These aren't really in order except for number one... My personal least favorite over-played song EVER!

15. Piano Man - Billy Joel

Sing us a song? How bout, I hope you choke on that beer smelling mic asshole!

"Scenes from an Italian restaurant" is a CLOSE second....

14. Pinball Wizard - The Who

The opening acoustic riff is the best part of the song. The deaf, dumb and blind kid can kiss my ass.

13. Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix

This song is the only thing many people know from Jimi. Which is a shame because he has about 30 tunes I'd rather hear. The pot that got named for this is much more moving than it's name sake.

12. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

This song was best enjoyed watching Mike Myers and Dana Carvey lip synch to it.... It's too long! I've heard it a thousand times and still have no idea what it's about.

11. Walk this Way - Aerosmith

This one is credited for starting the whole rap/rock thing.... Thanks a lot guys! Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit! Way to go....

10. Hey Jude - The Beatles

Listening to McCartney yelp out the Ju, Ju, Judy, Judy, Ju, Ju ,Jude...
Part at the end (ALL FOUR minutes of it!)makes me want to punch someone in the face. Namely, Julian Lennon.

9. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison

Almost any song that depends on a chorus of "sha la la" is doomed. This one is no exception.

8. Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

This song is the biggest buzz kill in the history of driving. The DJ usually positions right in the middle of a five song "rock block." Out of the 100 songs I'd rather hear from Bob this is the one I get to hear most often. I shudder to think about the day Dylan dies and they play this on repeat for 24 hours straight.

7. Money - Pink Floyd

Out of all the songs on "Dark Side" why this one? Why the piece of filler has been elevated to such heights escapes me.

6. Piece of My Heart - Janis Joplin

"Hold on, hold on, hold on"

Please let go!

5. Crocodile Rock - Elton John

"Me and Suzy had so much fun"

Fuck you Elton... Unless you were trying on her dresses and getting her to braid your hair you and Suzy did nothing together.

4. Glory Days - Bruce Springsteen

Go out to a bar in New Jersey and NOT hear this song. Go ahead, I dare you to try.

3. Proud Mary - Creedence Clearwater Revival

Tina Turner's is soooo much better. And not by a little.

Play hers' or don't play the song!

2. Start Me Up - The Rolling Stones

Once they sold it to Microsoft it should have come with a "no return" policy.


This song represents everything I hate in music. Over-written lyrics....3 minutes longer than it needs to be....Pretentious lead singer....People who own no rock albums know every fucking word!

1. Hotel California - The Eagles

If I never had to hear this song again I would gladly trade in all my Springsteen and Dylan albums!

There isn't a chance in hell anyone could go a week without hearing this song invade their ears. It's impossible! It's so bad that sometimes you hear it and don't even realize it's playing until it's half over. It's become that familiar!