Tuesday, February 28, 2006

No Deal!

Who is watching this crap?

Come on, admit it!

Well, someone is because the ratings are HUGE for this turd.

I don't understand why people like "Deal or No Deal" so much? From what I gather they select a contestant to pick a number and receive lots of money?

Holy shit!

This proves how dumb we are as a nation! No longer do you even need to answer a trivia question on these shows. Now, "just pick a number between 1-25"

Can't count to 25? It wouldn't surprise me.

It's hosted by this guy...

Remember this guy? He was a stand up comedian in the 80s...Then he went away. He came back as the voice of Bobby in "Bobby's World" which was cool because you didn't have to look at him. That went off the air and then Jay Leno, the hack of late night television, hired to do a bit on "The Tonight Show" VERY similar to Letterman's Ruppert G bits.

Now he hosts "Deal or No Deal"

If only that glove covered his mouth as well....

Sunday, February 26, 2006

All About The Bulk, Baby!

My girlfriend and went to a whole sale club today. I'm not sure but I think these places are one of Dante's nine levels of hell.

First off, no one shopping there speaks English..It's amazing! They must be handed a Club card when they enter the country. Maybe we should just turn the U.S. ports into wholesale clubs and kill two birds with one stone...

Anyway, we shop for a bit and pass a woman who just sneezes towards the ground. Not in her hand and with no attempt to block the sneeze! Just straight down towards the floor.... People like this deserve a dirty janitor's mop wrung out into their mouths. I made a remark like "cover your damn mouth" but I'm not sure she heard me. Her husband looked like he could handle himself so I didn't say it that loud, but loud enough so she might have.

We shop around a buy a boatload of paper towels. They have 24 packs and 18 packs and enough paper towels that we could have saved the Titanic from sinking.... The 24 pack is cheaper than the 18 pack so the common thought would be the 24 pack is the better deal.... NOT SO FAST!!! The 18 pack is 100 sheets per roll and the 24 pack is only 60 per... hmmm.... we bought the 18...I know what you're thinking. "BIG Drama" and you're right!

What I began to realize, as I walked around hell, is that the only thing you get any sort of deal on is the paper goods. Eight cans of Tuna for $8.50 isn't really a great deal. You can find a better one at the local supermarket most weeks. Two pounds of coffee for $20 isn't that bad until you consider that half of it will be stale by the time you get to drink it.

We spent $150 and the good news is I won't be needing for microwave popcorn for a year.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Getting To Know Me

A boring week and writer's block = lazy post that I stole from 3 other people...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 11:15... I have a cold and no job
2. Diamonds or pearls? Pearl necklace
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Walk the Line
4. What’s your favorite TV show? Rescue Me, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Deadwood, Dirty Jobs
5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Two cups of coffee and a cigarette
6. What’s your favorite cuisine? Mexican
7. What foods do you dislike? Anything Green
8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Cool Ranch
9. What’s your favorite CD at the moment? Been listening to a lot of Dylan on the MP3
10. What kind of car do you drive? Toyota
11. Favorite sandwich? Chicken cutlet, fresh Mozzarella on focaccia
12. What characteristics do you despise? Disloyal, selfish people.
13. What is your favorite clothing? T-shirt and jeans.
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? Paris
15. What color is your bathroom? I honestly have no idea....Girlfriend painted it and I have other things on my mind in there other than the color of the walls.
16. Favorite brand of clothing? Cotton
17. Where would you retire to? My kid's basement
18. Favorite time of the day? When the mail comes. I still hope for something cool to show up!
19. What was your most memorable birthday? 17 was cool...bought my first bong and then had it thrown out by my friend's mother as she yelled "I found a water pipe in the basement" I was thinking "where else would you find one" and then realized my bong was headed to its' grave.
20. Where were you born? Jersey
21. Favorite sport to watch? Live--Basketball, On TV-Baseball
22. What fabric detergent do you use? Ask my girlfriend
23. Were you named after anyone? Mr. Annoyed
24. Do you wish on stars? Uh... no
25. When did you last cry? When the Fresh Prince's father left without him for his road trip... That Will Smith gets me every time.
26. Do you like your handwriting? SuRe I DOOO
27. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? I hope not, I have enough friends.
28. Are you a daredevil? I once ate a box of twinkees...does that count?
29. Do looks matter? Of course
30. How do you release anger? My blog.... YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
31. Where is your second home? Still working on my first
32. What were your favorite toys as a child? Star Wars, He Man, Transformers and did I mention Star Wars?
33. What class in High School was totally useless? To quote Bruce Springsteen "We learned more from a three minute record than we ever learned in school" ..... Pretty much sums them all up!
34. Favorite Movie(s)? Goodfellas, Almost Famous, High Fidelity, The Goonies
35. What are your nicknames? "Asshole" seems to be a popular one.... And "Nascar Man" as I'm known to Rusty
36. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Never
37. Do you think that you are strong? If you consider being able to bench HALF my body weight strong?.. then HELL YES! I'm strong.
38. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Ben & Jerry's "Marsha, Marsha, Marshmallow"
39. What are your favorite colors? Black and Green
40. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I'm unemployed
41. What do you miss the most? My money lost to bad beats while playing poker.
42. What color pants are you wearing? Who said I was wearing pants?
43. What are you listening to right now? My cat getting into something he shouldn't.
44. Last thing you ate? A well done Turkey Burger....Thanks Babe!
45. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be? fuzzy wuzzy brown
46. Last person you talked to on the phone? My girlfriend
47. Favorite Drink? Iced tea....Or Vodka
48. Do you wear contacts? Nope
49. Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas has been good to me.
50. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Don't all scary movies have happy endings?
51. Summer or winter? Spring
52. Hugs OR Kisses? No Soap, Radio
53.What is Your Favorite Dessert? Funnel Cake....Thanks A.S.S.!
54. What Book(s) are you reading? "Love All The People" - Bill Hicks, "Supersystem 2" - Doyle Brunson
55. Favorite Smells? Fresh coffee or fresh bread
56. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
57. What’s the furthest you’ve been from home? L.A.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Hot Wheels, Anyone?

Try as I have over the years I am unable to "get" Nascar racing. As far as I can tell, it's just a bunch of redneck-hicks driving around in circles. This was something I enjoyed watching as a child when it was called "The Dukes of Hazard." Now that I'm older, I find my attention span to be much better. Grown men, in fast cars, just doesn't do it for me.

I have tried to understand this "sport" I have asked many questions and have been told all sorts of wonderful things about it. I still didn't get it.

Yesterday I decided to give it a full chance and drove to my friends house to watch the Daytona 500. He has a 53 inch HD TV and I figured this would be the way to watch it for the first time. I arrived, watched about five minutes of the race and had to ask "So, what's the big deal about this?" I was told, "Nothing happens until the final 10 laps" This was great news considering we were on lap 10.

Only 180 to go!

So I spent the next 3 hours watching the race and hoping for wrecks. This is the thing you do I guess? It's a sick way to spend a day in my opinion.

Anyway, we get down to the final 10 laps and now I'm thinking "here we go!"

Not so fast!


Now the race is driven under a "caution" meaning no one can pass until the wreck is cleaned up, so they just drive around at half speed until the race can resume. It finally resumes and now I'm thinking "Here we go! Take 2"


Another caution...

Jesus, this was worth waiting three hours for?

That mess gets cleaned and now we have two laps to go.... Action packed, right?


Another wreck! Race over....

What the fuck kind of "sport" is this? I guess rednecks needed an excuse, after football season, to stay drunk all day on Sundays? This is the only excuse I can find for this activity being so damn popular. It must have been a bunch of good ol' boys sitting around and saying.."Damn now that football is over we have to spend time with our wives on Sunday. Not so fast... I've got an idea. Let's get some cars and drive them around in circles all day! We'll call it a sport and the wives will never know"

The popularity of this "sport" is mind boggling. Further proving we are in deep shit as a nation. A bunch of people watching cars drive around in a circle.

That's all your doing!

"Well, you need to be there to understand it"

I don't think sitting next to a guy, married to his cousin, drinking Busch Light is going to change my mind all that much.

In fact, I think if I had shown up yesterday to this..

... set up in the living room, in place of the TV, I would have enjoyed myself just as much. In fact, I would have had twice as much fun!

Nice rebutal found at the following link..


Friday, February 17, 2006

People I can Do Without #5

U.S. Winter Olympics "Stars"

Never have I seen a group of losers so over-hyped. I suppose NBC figured in order to compete with Fox's "American Idol" they would need to find some young, good looking people to showcase. The problem being, unlike Fox, ABC forgot to find people with an actual chance of winning!

There were FOUR of these idiots.

Michelle Kwan... Jesus, where is Tonya Harding when you need her? Michelle Kwan didn't belong there in the first place. She was injured and couldn't even skate for the qualifying round. She cried and begged her way onto the team and then it turned out she was injured! Well, why is this news? She was hurt before she got there and then was STILL hurt once there. Holy shit! What a strange development. Now people "feel bad" for her... FUCK HER! She is a millionaire tens times over despite NEVER winning a gold medal. How pissed is Mary Lou Retton that she wasn't born 15 years later than she was? Michelle Kwan needs to skate away now but I think we're stuck with her and all the new endorsements she's going to get even though she didn't compete.

Bode Miller.... This guy was a complete media whore! And the media paid him top dollar for a nothing more than a half-ass hand job. An asshole, without a medal, cashing in millions of endorsement money. He gets to the Olympics and says "The medal doesn't matter to me" Well then, go home!

His only claim to actual fame is saying he skied drunk... Well, for me to strap two sticks to my feet and fly down a snow-covered mountain doing 70 mph I'd have to be drunk too...Big fucking news!

Apollo Ohno.... This guy actually has a gold medal. However, he won it under tremendous scrutiny last time. This time? He fell down and cut his finger. Boo Hoo! I guess it's four more years of fashion shows and talk shows for this "athlete"

Johnny Weir... So, when did Clay Aiken take up figure skating?

This guy completely bombed in his event. What and over-hyped loser! At least Clay Aiken can actually sing.... Although they do have ONE thing in common I suspect...

So far this guy is the biggest winner for the U.S. in '06...

"The Flying Tomato"

The next face of Madison Avenue... Enjoy!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Let it Snow, Let it Snow...

Whoever wrote that song didn't give themselves a hernia digging their cars out of a fucking Blizzard as I just did.

Holy shit, we got a lot of snow!

It was wet and heavy and I seriously feel like my ball sack is filled with stomach lining.

Sorry girls, but that's the truth of it.

I finally dug out and then realized that I can't actually get in my car and go anywhere this entire week. If I do, I will NEVER be able to park again! These assholes don't shovel....They just pull out and leave the snow there so there is no way anyone can park there when they leave.

Also, all my jerk off neighbors own snow blowers but none of them actually offered to let me use them. I guess learning their names and saying hello as I walk by them would help but who has time for that the other 364 days a year.

Jerk Offs.

In other news...

- Dick Chaney shot someone yesterday http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/12/cheney.ap/index.html

It took 24 hrs for the news to get out. If the guy had died I suspect it would have never gotten out..

- The Winter Olympics began yesterday. I turned them on just in time to see the cross country skiing... Someone let me know when the hockey starts (the men's hockey)

- And because I know you care and because you were wondering... My cat had gas all weekend.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

How Bout a Harpoon?

Apparently if you eat enough the state of Washington won't carry out your death sentence.


So, if you find yourself there don't bother with the letters to the governor. Just find yourself the nearest Krispy Kreme and enjoy your stay on the tax payer's dime!

Letting Me Know

I went on a job interview yesterday. I hate job interviews. I have to squeeze my fat ass into a suit. I haven't been very active lately and my suit pants don't fit. In fact, they're so tight I had the elastic marks from my boxer shorts imprinting around my waist for hours after I took the damn thing off!

I had to ride the bus in the city. This was fun for an hour. Especially where I live and the people that ride it with me... I don't want to say I live near the ghetto but one of the stops on the route is the drive-through window of a White Castle...

I got to the interview and it went all right....I guess.

I always think it goes all right and then I never hear back from them! Maybe it's me but I doubt it!

As I was being interviewed I realized it's always the same questions EVERY time. It's like every employer has the same three or four basic questions and they must get the same damn answers every time. I was thinking while I was answering what it would have been like if I answered them honestly...

"Tell us why you'd be a good fit for us"

-Well, I most likely won't be. I'll spend the early parts of my employment filled with tremendous joy about how great this job is going to be and how much opportunity it will present me with! After a couple of months of this, the feelings will fade into thoughts of how much I hate this job and everyone here. I will spend months 3-6 looking for a new job (which I won't find) and then months 6-12 being a bastard to everyone until I finally freak out and scream "go fuck yourselves" and storm out over a fellow staff member asking me to pass them a pencil.

"What special qualities or talents do you feel you could bring to our company"

-I can juggle.... I can also drink an obscene amount of Vodka and not throw up from it.... I can amaze prospective clients with my great knowledge of John Hughes films and quotes from said movies....."Gary was just taking a shit"...... I'm a bad listener but a GREAT conversationalist (ironic I know).....I can also spot a boob job from a mile away. Sometimes, however, it does require a "closer" look.... I can bullshit with the best of them and lie right your face without you knowing.... I would never steal money (office supplies and canned air to clean my home PC with are fair game)..... I can name the last FIVE Presidents on the United States, IN ORDER!

"Tell me some things you could be better at"

-I can ride a two wheeled bike but not a unicycle..... I can't hold my breath very long under water.... Sometimes, when I floss, I rush it a bit.... I don't speak German very well.... I was never any good on Ice skates and I suck on skis..... I find it hard to convince most people they shouldn't kill themselves!

And at the end of that they would just say...

"We will let you know"

Monday, February 06, 2006

Hey You! Get Off My T.V.

Where's Janet Jackson's tit when you need it?

I find a nipple much less offensive than an old man's old arms flapping in the wind. The Rolling Stones were fucking awful at the Super Bowl.


I've already seen people on the internet making excuses..

  • It's hard to sound good when you have to set up in 5 minutes..
  • It's hard to play a place that big and sound great


1. The Stones play places that big all the time! They should be used to it.

2. Setting up in 5 minutes didn't seem to bother Paul McCartney last year.

3. They sounded like shit on HBO two years ago when they broadcast that concert.

4. I saw them in 1994 and they sounded like shit.

All of this leads me to the conclusion that The Rolling Stones suck and they are ripping off their fans on a nightly basis.

The face value of a front row seat to one of their shows is $500!!!

That is the biggest rip off in the history of Rock music!

People will say...What do you expect? They are so old...

Then they should fucking retire and stop wasting their fans faith in them! There are many bands/performers around the same age of The Stones that are kicking ass every night.

1. Paul McCartney

2. The Eagles

3. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Just to name three.

And all three play around 3 hours a night. In fact the last time I saw Bruce and the band they played 3:20

The Stones are on and off in two hours. They play the same songs every night and sound like a sloppy, unrehearsed bar band while doing it.

Are they legends? Yes.

One of the greatest bands of all time? Of Course.

Worth one penny live? Not anymore.

Of all the great music that has come out of Detroit you would have thought they could have found some local artists to perform last night. Instead, we get Mick Jagger strutting around doing the same stupid moves he's done for years. Looking like a pile of shit, thrown against a wall.

"The stage was cool"

Yeah, and the band playing used to be too.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Random Vent #8

Sexy photos need to be sexy!

That would seem pretty simple wouldn't it? Take for example Rachael Ray's photo shoot for FHM...

This is her photo...

Now look at this other photo I found...

Why is the turkey the only thing getting me excited in both photos?

And Your Damn Dog Too!

I love English Bulldogs. LOVE them! They are the perfect dog as far as I'm concerned. They don't like to run, fetch or swim. In fact, they don't like being active at all. They snore real loud and basically just like being left on the couch to watch television....Just like me!

Also, they don't live too long which is nice for people like myself who have major commitment issues.

So while at a friends house last week I got a call from my girlfriend to come home and meet her friends bulldog. This was odd since my girlfriend, as far as I knew, didn't have any friends who owned a bulldog. She does however have some friends with kids that look like this...

Skeptical, I rushed home to see the dog. See, I was never allowed to have a dog growing up. My father always claimed because I was unable to keep my room clean I shouldn't have a dog.

"Can't keep a clean room, how are you gonna keep a dog?"

Like the dog was gonna get trapped under my Star Wars toys and die! So, once I moved out I was gonna get a dog but my landlords have never allowed them. My girlfriend and I adopted two cats six months ago and their cool I guess. However, I'm constantly worried they are going to outlive me! That's how out of shape I've become!

Anyway, I get home and start up the steps to our apartment. I hear the sound of four paws rushing across the hardwood floors! It's not the cats, it's the sound of a dog! Excited I open the door to my apartment and see this staring back at me....

My first thought was... "What the fuck is a pitbull doing in my living room?"

Then... "Where is the bulldog? Did this dog eat the bulldog?"

I say hello to the dog and make my way to the kitchen. Where I find my girlfriend and her friend sitting at the table. I ask, "what is that, a pitbull?"

Her friend responds, "She's a pure bred American Bulldog"

My girlfriend got the breeds confused! And her "friend" was a dog groomer she met who was there in hopes of my girlfriend and I adopting this beast! My girlfriend thought it would be a nice surprise for me as a Valentine's Day gift! Which, of course, is just what I always wanted...A fucking horse.

On top of this, we live in an apartment and both work 14 hour days. Not the brightest idea anyone has ever had.

I take a moment and ask, "where are the cats?"

"Well," my girlfriends says, "they didn't really like the dog"

No shit?

The girl cat is hiding behind the washing machine and the boy cat is locked in the bedroom. This is after my girlfriend thought it a good idea to pick him up, carry him over to the dog, and lower him down into the dogs face to say "hi"

Well, he basically said "fuck this" and tore up my girlfriends arm trying to get away.

The dog, in turn, shit on my bedroom floor and pissed in my office. Two things my girlfriend hid from me until after I had made up my mind that I didn't want this dog. Like if she told me... "Babe, the dog didn't shit or piss on anything!" I would have signed the papers right then and there.

There I was thinking candy or a card and my girlfriend was thinking 80 pound animal.... It happens, I guess?