Thursday, July 10, 2008

People I Can Do Without #17

Brett Favre needs to go away! 

And not in one of those football ways former players go away.  No working in the booth duringlive telecasts and no coaching or front office stuff either. Hell, I don't even want to see him on the card show circuit signing autographs.

He needs to disappear, FOREVER!

I can't take it anymore. The crying and the constant need for attention that started five years ago before the final game of the 2002 season. The every off-season of "will he or won't he" that hijacks sports TV for months and months.

And have I mentioned the crying?

Sweet Jesus, the crying!  

You're a football player, not a broadway dancer! Suck it up and act like a man. 

I wouldn't mind so much if he ever cried half as much after throwing one of his patented season killing touchdowns. The ones he threw every post season since the late 90s. For all of the "greatest quarterback" talk that gets thrown around when talking of Favre's  career it amazes me that those interceptions never seem to come up.  Montana, Brady, Young, and Elway never did that every year. Yet somehow Favre has wormed his way into the debate with those four.

If you need a quarterback for one game, one game with ten million on the line... winner take all, are you really picking Brett Favre? Of course not! He doesn't even make the short list. 

These days the Packers don't want him for the last game either. In fact, they don't want him for any of the sixteen games this year.  It seems they're over him too.  

My only question is why it even took this long? If I were the Packers I'd send him a thank you card attached to a case of kleenex and tell him to have a great life.  Then change the locks and disconnect the phone! 

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Sunday, July 06, 2008

In Conversation: Numby

Running short on ideas and committed to updating this blog 2-3 times a week it looks like I'm going to have to be a little bit more "creative"

This will start to include interview segments with subjects that tend to annoy me. Subject number one is my cat, Numby. That's pronounced "numb-E" 

He was named this after we brought him home and I spent the first week or two of his life calling him "numbnuts"

As in....

"Numbnuts, stop climbing up my bare leg"

This wasn't okay with my other half as she is somehow convinced that the cat can not only understand English but knows what the word "numbnuts" means. Never mind, that at this point of his life, the cat had NO nuts at all! Calling him "no-nuts" was too literal and not as much fun for me.

This continued for a little while longer until my other half insisted I stop. In my quest to make her happy I discontinued my use of "numbnuts" and began calling him by a new name, "Dummy"

Apparently the cat knew what this meant as well and my other half wasn't happy with this choice either. I grew frustrated and reached the following compromise... If I couldn't call him "Numbnuts" and if "Dummy" was also out of the question I would call him "Numby" and there we had it... Our new baby boy was named Numby!

Numby is three years old now and still terribly behaved. This really isn't his fault as he suffers from awful anxiety as a result of being separated from his mother too early in life. He will lick you for two hours straight, cry for food when there's a full plate and shake the closed bedroom door in the middle of the night as if he was a girl running away from a killer in a horror movie and getting through this door was the only way to survive.

Of course, looking like that I would let him in and he would call me "big poppa"

Anyway, without further ado... My conversation with Numby.

Mr. A - Numby, how are you?

Numby - Meow

Mr. A - Why, in the middle of the night, do you shake the door so violently that your mother and I are awoken from our sleep in fear of our lives?

Numby- Meow....

Mr. A - Fair enough, but if you're hungry why not eat the food already on your plate in the kitchen? Do you even check the plate? See, I don't think you do. I think that when the sun starts to appear outside the window you think "time to eat" and start freaking out! Never mind that it's 5:30 in the morning and we have to work all day.

Numby- (purrs)

Mr. A - I know that it pleases you to eat but it pleases the humans to sleep.  On to other topics. Why won't you use the scratching post I purchased? Your sister uses it and is perfectly happy to do so. Why do you use the rugs and chairs? Keep it up and I'm taking the rugs away

Numby - (hisses)

Mr. A - Well, that's too bad.

Numby - (Hisses louder)

Mr. A - You brought this on yourself. You have only yourself to blame! And while we're on the topic of personal behavior, why can't you cover up your shit when you're done in the litter box? Honestly! I've never seen a cat walk into a litter box, shit, and then walk back out without even kicking the litter one time. I mean you don't even ATTEMPT to cover it! One Goddamn kick! Is it really that hard? We buy you new litter all the time and clean that box so it's fit for a king to shit in and you can't even give me one half-assed kick? Can't even fake it?

Numby - (tilts his head to the left and stares)

Mr. A - You know what I'm saying!

Numby - (walks away)

Mr. A - Good talk. Thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Annoyed for President

I wrote the following months ago and never published it. Not sure why... it's pretty good! Anyway, as I warned when I jumped back into the madness that is blogging I will be getting a bit more political.

Don't worry, this won't become a "political blog." (the next post I've written is an interview with my cat) But this was worth sharing I thought.... I hope I can count on your votes in 2012!

I'm too young to run for President. However, in a few years that won't be the case.

With this in mind, I've decided to start my grass roots campaign now. In the coming weeks I will be announcing my cabinet, VP and slogan.

In the meantime here's some of my domestic policies....

1. Abortion will remain safe and legal.

- Wire hangers and back alley doctors will not have a place in my America. This will not be a state by state issue. It will be federal law!

2. Drugs will be decriminalized. Pot will be LEGAL!

- Pot is only illegal because of big business. The logging industry saw to this back in the early part of the 1900s. If you can grow it in your back yard it's yours to enjoy.

- Making pot illegal while alcohol isn't is backwards at best.

- The "War on Drugs" is a tremendous failure. How anything that attacks and looks to punish sick people can be considered "right" or "justified" is beyond rational thinking.

- Anyone caught selling drugs to anyone under the age of 18 will be sent to jail for 20 years with no chance of parole. Period. While drugs will be legal for any adult to enjoy the choice to use drugs will be a "grown up" one.

- The money being used to fight this "war on drugs" will be diverted into education and treatment. After giving people all the facts we will trust them to make choices for themselves. If they get in over their heads we will help them get back on track. We will treat people with compassion and understanding. A very underrated concept in today's America.

- Child Molesters will not serve less time than Pot Heads in my America.

3. We will be off gasoline by the year 2020.

- Alternative fuels will be developed here in America. People working for the oil companies will be hired by the new alternative providers. We will ensure this happens more often than not by offering tax incentives to do so.

- All diesel engines will be converted to run on bio-diesel.

- Ethanol will be outlawed. While it burns cleaner than gas it pollutes just as much to make. Plus, the corn lobby has run amuck for far to long in this country. Convert your fields to hemp or soy and lets move on.

4. Corn Syrup will be eliminated from all food products by the year 2015.

- People wonder why Americans are getting fatter and fatter. Look no further than your food labels. High Fructose Corn Syrup is literally killing people by the millions every year.

5. No more Bushes or Clintons will be allowed to hold political office.

- If this needs explaining I don't want your vote.

6. The electoral college will be destroyed.

- A concept created to ensure minorities had no voice in America. All these years later it still does.

- One person, one vote. People argue that it gives voice to everyone while it does the complete opposite. If I live in Texas and vote Democrat, why should I even leave the house on election day? Same if I want to vote Republican living in Massachusetts. In my America every one's vote will count. A crazy idea in a "democracy" I know.

7. Election day will be a national holiday.

- No more excuses for not voting (Ladies, I'm talking to you)

- In order to make room for this on the calendar, every forth year Columbus Day will not be observed. It's nonsense anyway.

8. Health care will be provided, free of charge, for anyone that can't afford it.

- You will be allowed to pick your coverage and if you already have it, the company you work for will be required to keep you on their health plan for the duration of your employment.

- Any company that employs more than ten people will need to offer health coverage to their employees.

9. Anyone caught quoting the bible in a public, political setting will be shot to death on site.

- If you think you know what Jesus would do then ask him directly!

10. Semi-automatic weapons will be banned!

-If the NRA has a problem with this then they can show up to a rally full of parents who lost their sons and daughters to gun violence, look them in the eyes and explain why a hunter needs to shoot Bambi with a banana clip full of ammo. If it's really a sport than let's make it bit more sporting....

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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Sky Is Falling!

Well, maybe not literally. However, there is some strange shit going on with the world's weather right now. The fires in California, Typhoons and Earthquakes in Asia. And let's not forget that Rosie O'Donnell is still on the lose!

And now the folks on the left are running around screaming GLOBAL WARMING! GLOBAL WARMING!

Well.... Yes, and no.

The fact is Global Warming is a real threat. It does exist and isn't a "theory" as the chimp in the White House was claiming up until a year or so ago. However, it's not leading to the end of the world in the next five minutes if Obama isn't elected.

While some of these events can be traced back to climate change and our arrogant abuse of the planet the fact is many of them can just be filed under the heading of "Shit Happens"

And it does....

Mudslides, Hurricanes, Forest Fires, Avalanches, Typhoons, Tsunamis, Volcanic Eruptions, Earthquakes, Mass Flooding and Tornadoes.

All of these things have been happening since before the invention of hairspray and charcoal.

Certainly we haven't helped. However, I find it more than a little hypocritical that the left wing environmental groups have hijacked this topic and have made it their sole goals in life to try and scare the living hell out of everybody by exploiting it ad nausea.

Four years ago I watched the Republicans tell anyone within ear shot that if elected President, John Kerry would sit back and watch as the "terrorists and evil doers" blew the hell out of every city in America!

The politics of fear! And it worked... The worst President in history "won" a second term.

Fear is a powerful thing and it was shameful how the Right Wing exploited it for their own greed and agenda. It pissed me off then and it still does now.

But now here we are, four years later, and I'm watching the fringe of the Left Wing do the same thing with global warming. They want you to believe that if you elect John McCain he'll sit back and watch as American cities are swallowed up by the oceans.


Will Barack Obama push harder for alternative fuels and a more sound energy policy than McCain? I believe he will. And I will be voting for Obama over McCain for a dozen other reasons as well.

However, fear will not be one of them.

I would urge my friend's on the left to give the finger to environmental groups pushing the politics of fear the same way they gave the finger to fear mongers four years ago when pulling that lever for Kerry. Global Warming is a serious problem that requires serious attention paid to it. It will require all hands on deck from BOTH sides of the political aisle. By allowing it to become a wedge issue we as Americans are permitting the one truly bi-partisan issue we have to become a Left Vs. Right "debate"

Helping heal the planet shouldn't be open to debate. It's one of those things that we should all be able to agree on by applying simple common sense.

Like hunting down Rosie O'Donnell and locking her away...

Think of the all wasteful air we could save.

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