Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas

Monday, December 18, 2006

Annoyed Saves Christmas

Hotwire wrote a wonderful post defending Christmas trees

With respect to his views, which I ALWAYS appreciate and learn from, I feel compelled to ask one thing of ALL Christians who get "mad" every holiday season.....

What's the big deal with the damn trees?

Christian people will all at once yell about being allowed to display the tree. Then, in the next breath, will always be quick to point out it's not a religious symbol.


Then what's the point? What's all the fuse about?

I have a simple solution to all of this.... Since Christmas trees are "bad"... as are paintings of a fat guy in a red suit with a bunch of flying deer... why not come up with some alternate "symbols" to display? After all, they aren't religious so it wouldn't be blasphemous to do so....

All the Christians of the world can pass a note in church this weekend and email each other and generally keep it a secret amongst themselves. That way, when people of other religions see the symbol, they won't know it represents Christmas and can't bitch, moan and worst of all sue anyone this holiday season.

If we are all in agreement, let us vote.

Alternate symbol #1

Scarlett Johansson!

Her photo is EVERYWHERE! She's on the Internet, on every magazine cover in every supermarket and best of all she's super hot!

Guys, you can stare at her all you want and when your girl gets mad at you just say, "Baby, it's only a symbol.... When I look at her I'm thinking of God"

Which, is about 75% true in my case anyway.

Alternate Symbol #2

President George Bush!

Now, this may anger some people.... However, it's a perfect choice. His image already appears in most post offices, banks, and public libraries!

He can also be found on bumper stickers, the Internet and many magazine and newspaper covers almost every day. Again people, we are dealing with a "symbol" of Christmas.

This is also good because many of the people who call talk radio screaming about the "assault on Christmas" voted for him!

Alternate Symbol #3

The Menorah!

Now, this would be genius! Start putting these up EVERYWHERE! Jewish people will be happy because their side is getting a shout out and Christians would have a symbol no one would ever suspect!

Plus a tree dies... These things just need new candles every eight days! Leave em up year round and wink and smile at each other in August.

Point and say.... "Looks like Christmas came early this year"

What they don't know can't hurt 'em!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Viewer Mail #2

This one is from March. I asked for a question....he gave me a "few"!

i have a few questions.

1) Who is your favorite sports team..and least favorite?

I'm a NY Jets fan. Sad but true. I suppose they would have to be my "favorite" I was a rabid NY Knicks fan growing up. Insane! I watched every game and lived and died with them. The day they traded Patrick Ewing I said "Fuck You" and that was it. Everyone in New York was calling radio stations and going on TV to say how much better they were going to be without Ewing. I told anyone that would listen that they wouldn't make the playoffs for years. And now, years later they STILL haven't won a playoff game since he left town.... Much better indeed.

My least favorite is the Red Sox. I root for the Yanks but I don't lose sleep if they win or lose. However, the Sox fans were such babies when the Yankees got Arod that I just couldn't handle it anymore. In fact, it was Ben Affleck that did it.... He was on television, WHINING about it at some Nascar event. I said to myself "If Ben Affleck routs for the Sox then I FUCKING HATE THEM!!!!" And that was it.... Blame Ben.

2) What is your dream car?

I'm not a car guy. Couldn't tell you the difference between a piston and a johnson rod.

However..... This has always caught my eye.

3) You can cure cancer or AIDS in one swoop..but only one..which one?

This is a tough one.... The answer is Cancer. The reason may get me flamed a bit.

Many members of my family have died of Cancer and many women in my family are living with the threat of Breast Cancer.

I've watched Cancer take so many healthy people over the years it doesn't seem fair. However, most people living with HIV in this country are doing so because of poor decision making.

Unprotected sex and drug use are the reasons people contract HIV. Blood transfusions aren't really a third reason anymore with all of the advanced screenings. If someone gets HIV tomorrow it's because they made a bad decision the night before.

Granted, there are thousands of children all over the world living with HIV that did nothing to to deserve it. Their parents made a bad choice..... for them my heart truly aches.

HIV could be snuffed out with education and information. If the religious people would have gotten the fuck out of the way we would be much further along already in my opinion.

Also, with the advance science now, people are living 20+ years with HIV..... In ten years it will be 30-40+ years. No one with active Cancer is living 10+ years. You contract HIV tomorrow no one is giving you six months to live.

4) You see a penny on the ground do you pick it up?

Honestly, I'm so out of shape, I very well may throw my back out bending over like that.... So, no.

5) You are on death get a final can be appetizer(s) to desert..what is your final meal?

Get me a big plate of authentic Buffalo Wings, a Porterhouse Steak from Peter Lugers in Brooklyn, cooked medium rare, and a pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream. Oh, and a keg of Guiness to wash it all down!

6) You can interview 1 dead person for 10 minutes..who do you bring back and why?

Jesus is the obvious answer here I suppose. Just so I could throw my arms up and say..."Jesus Christ, look at the shape of the world" and not be expected to be in confession next week.

However, not going obvious..... Man, this is tough! Most of my heros are still alive!

All right, my father's father.... He died 14 years before I was born. Might be a conversation worth having.

7) Paper or Plastic?

I should say paper but honestly I always go with the plastic.... Handles baby! Those handle on the paper bags break every time you put more than 10 pounds of groceries in them.

I use the plastic bags to clean the liter box with so I do recycle... Right before I throw them in the garbage.

8) In your opinion..where do you go when you die?

Man, I want to believe there's a heaven, I really do, but none of the religions make any actual sense. Faith is a wonderful thing except when, in order to have it, you have to betray every intelligent thought in your mind.

Two hundred years ago, before the age of science, I would have said Heaven..... Today, right now, I have to say under six feet of dirt..... Period. And trust me when I say I HATE thinking that. It keeps me up nights.

9) You win a massive lottery amount..what are the first TWO things you honest!!

1. I buy my mother a house and pay off every mortgage any of my friends and family are paying on their homes.

2. I throw a huge wedding and plan a trip around the world for my honeymoon. Every major city on every continent.... Ending in the islands somewhere where I buy a house and a hammock and eat and swing in that hammock until the day I explode!

10) If you could change one thing about blogging what would it be?

Don't know about in general but what I would change about Blogger would be....

That it wasn't free. If people had to pay for the service you would get less crappy writing I think.
Even $2.95 a month would take out 75% of the people on these things. I love my link list but it's taken over a year to compile a list of 20 people worth reading.... In a landscape of millions more than 1% should be worth a shit....

$2.95 a month would fix that.... The others could go to MySpace and make "friends"

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Viewer Mail #1

First one is from Fresh Air Lover, which seems fair...

What album has most affected you personally and why?

And another.....

If you had to take 5 books with you to a deserted island for one year and they were the only entertainment you were allowed to have, which ones would you pick and why?

As far as albums go I would have to narrow it down to two.

The first one is The Rising by Bruce Springsteen. The reason(s) why have been posted Here

To many to type again.

The second would have to be this....

I wouldn't have made it through my early 20s without it. I had a long string of bad relationships and obscene amounts of depression to go along with it. This album made it a bit better knowing their was someone else that could relate.

NPR radio, from Fordam University in NYC, had a top 90 essential album poll a couple of months back and this one finished in the upper half of the list. When you voted you could give a sentence or two about why you were voting for a particular album. One woman who voted said it best... "I may have out grown this album but I could never have survived growing up without it"

My thought exactly.

As to the second part of the question....

I'm not a big reader of books. I mostly gravitate towards non-fiction magazine stuff or articles off the internet. Quick hits of info. However, I can pick five I would take the following...

1. The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World - A.J. Jacobs

2. The Complete Works of Shakespeare

3. The Complete World of Greek Mythology - Richard Buxton

4. The Bible

5. Lyrics 1962 - 2001 - Bob Dylan

Those should keep me busy!

Keep those qustions coming! (if you choose)

Ask Annoyed

With apoligies to Deb I'm being a bit lazy. My brain hurts from all this "thinking for myself" shit.

Then again, I have a bunch of new readers these days and I just know there's shit they are dying to ask me. (Then again, maybe not)

So fire away! (if you choose)

The best questions will become brand new posts. The other questions will be ignored and scoffed at to Rosie

Monday, December 11, 2006

I Don't Have A Hernia!

You may remember a few posts back I told that I had been diagnosed with a hernia. This was great news as you recall because it meant I didn't have cock cancer...

Coming back to you? Good.

Friday afternoon I go see a specialist that performs these surgeries on a regular basis to get looked at and to schedule my surgery. He comes to the conclusion that I DO NOT HAVE A HERNIA!

(Seems my regular doctor misdiagnosed the problem!)

What the fuck?

The specialist determines this by sticking his fingers under my pelvic bone and pushing up with all his might while asking me to cough. "Come on, cough like you mean it!" he tells me!

Now this was difficult to do while biting my hand in pain by I try to give a good cough.

"Come on, really cough"

Here's the scene.... My pants are around my knees, with my junk in the wind. This quack is sitting eye level with my cock, his fingers touching my pelvic bone, yelling "Like you mean it"

Now I started coughing so hard I actually start wheezing!

Anyone standing outside the door would have assumed there was some geriatric porno being filmed inside.

This ends and he says, "I don't feel a hernia."

"Let me check the other side"

Replay scene.

Again, no hernia. He suspects I strained a muscle or pinched a nerve and with rest and a miracle drug I could be as good as new in 3 or 4 weeks.

The miracle drug....



Three times a day for four weeks and I should be as good as new. Meanwhile, I haven't been to the gym in months because I was told I had a hernia! I'm a fat fuck right now. Soon to be a fat fuck with a bleeding stomach.

Cruel, cruel irony.

And just to be sure I asked this doctor, "No chance it could be cock cancer?"

"No!" he says, and he's not amused.

Jeez, what is the world coming to when you can't kid about cancer with a doctor?

Coughing like I mean it.......

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Last Minute Gift Idea

If anyone needs a gift for the person who has everything I'm pretty sure this will do.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Since It's Almost 2007.... Redux

Every time I go for a drive I see this sticker...I REALLY think it's time to peel this sticker off of your car.

I mean, what exactly are you trying say?

"We won"?

What did we win? I mean, I usually see this sticker on a '95 Dodge so I know the driver didn't benefit from those tax cuts. What did "we" win?

1. Better health care for all?

2. Better education for the kids?

3. Better security at our airports and borders?

4. A separation of church and state?

5. A ban on assault weapons.

6. Equal rights for all?

7. A clean environment?


"We" won nothing! Leaving that sticker on your car says more about you than the person it represents!

What it SCREAMS is... "I can't admit a mistake. I was a scared like little girl in '04 when Karl Rove convinced me the boggie man was real and if I didn't vote for "W" he would come out of my closet and blow up a local post office in Montana."


"I love my gun but HATE gay people"

Continuing to show support for George Bush isn't a way to show you have "guts." It's just a clear sign of why this country is headed into the toilet with people like you jiggling the handle!

"Well, I'm a conservative"

That's nice... Now go find a sticker that represents a conservative to put on your car! You know, someone who believed in people's rights to privacy and limited government spending.

Of course being a Republican you may look funny with this sticker on your car....

Sunday, December 03, 2006

How I Spent My Friday Night

So my old neighbor calls me up and asks me to work security for his daughter's sweet 16 party. And by "security" he wants me to make sure none of the little bastards are drinking or smoking pot in the bathroom.

Now, this goes against everything I believe in...

1. I'm no narc!

2. Trying to sneak drinks is what kids are supposed to do at these things!

3. If I actually walk in on some 16 year olds smoking pot in the bathroom I'm just gonna take a hit and walk out!

So, I tell him "I don't know, I just think..."

He offers me $200 cash to do it.

"I'm your guy!"

I get to this thing and it's not even a challenge. Within five minutes I know exactly who's drunk and tell my old neighbor.

"Well, are they driving?" he asks. I tell him they aren't and then he doesn't even give a shit! Could care less. I figure out that I'm just there so if one of these kids starts throwing up in the back seat of their parent's Lexus on the way home he can say "I had a guy...." And remove himself from all blame.

So, at this point I tell the kids.... "Do what you want, just don't do it in front of me." They understand and that was that.

I spent the rest of the night changing the world...One young life at a time.

Conversation #1

With my neighbor's daughter's boyfriend who I have met before.

Annoyed: So, you still thinking about going into the Army?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Annoyed: Why in the fuck would you do that?

Boyfriend: Well, it's either that or County College.

Annoyed: You do realize we're in a war right now? A war that you WILL be sent to fight in!

Boyfriend: Yeah, it's just that I don't have many choices.

Annoyed: Well, if you get killed in Iraq you won't have ANY more choices. You'll just be fucking dead!

Boyfriend: Yeah

At the end of the night he told me he's going to visit the County College this week and will not be joining the Army!

Mission accomplished!

Conversation #2

Teenage Girl: I got the alphabet on my report card! A,B,C,D and E!

Annoyed: What'd ya fail?

Teenage Girl: What?

Annoyed: What did you get the E in?

Teenage Girl: Geometry

Annoyed: Cool! And the D?

Teenage Girl: Biology.

Annoyed: Awesome! So what the hell did you get the A in?

Teenage Girl: Television Production.

She hangs her head a bit while telling me this.

Annoyed: Excellent! Let me tell you something.... Math and Science are bullshit! You really want to make a lot of money someday stick with TV! Entertaining America pays better than curing its' diseases and solving its' equations. Trust me.

She smiles and says "thanks"

I should have been a guidance counselor.