Monday, July 31, 2006

New Someday Post

Thanks to Dim for stirring up some found memories.

Thanks as always for clicking over!


Friday, July 28, 2006

It's 3:00 A.M. - Do You Know Where Your Litter Scoop Is?

I'm just getting back from the supermarket. It's 3:00 A.M. in Jersey and I had to run out for a cat litter scooper! The litter box was in disarray, in desperate need of cleaning and there I was, a grown man in his underwear searching for a tool to scoop shit with!

Of course, there was none to be found. My girlfriend had cleaned the box last so I decided to gently wake her up and ask her...

I crawled into bed and whispered in her ear... "Babe, where's the litter scoop"

She laughs. She tends to do this in her sleep sometimes. So, I ask again and this time she blurts out... "On top of the litter box"

Now, why do women always assume men are this dumb? Like the first place I would choose to look wouldn't be the place it always is?

So, I tell her "it's not there"

She responds, "Did you look inside the box"

Now, again, apparently I'm a stupid asshole. One that would know the litter box needs to be cleaned by NOT looking inside it and one that wouldn't notice a huge piece of plastic sticking up out of it!

So, I decide to let her sleep and go off in further search.... I look everywhere in the apartment. Places it should be and places it has no business being... Like the refrigerator for example.

It's not here! It's gone and now my OCD is kicking into overdrive! I go back into the bedroom and whisper again... "Babe, I think you threw it out"

She responds with "I'm up!"

These are not words I want to hear... It means she's waking up and getting out of bed at 2:00 A.M. and I'm the dick who woke her. I must admit, it was sort of amusing to watch her stumble around like a drunk looking for a shit scooper in the middle of the night. I have a "different" sense of humor.

I, of course, helped the situation in leaps and bounds by annoucning "I already looked there" every time she found a new spot where it might be.

Finally, she announces "I have no idea where it is" to which I respond "You must of thrown it out"

So looks at me with all seriousness and asks "How do you know I threw it out? Maybe you did"

Again, the female logic in this is entirely lost on me. I KNOW I didn't throw it out. I would remember a time where I said to myself "this shit scooper belongs in the trash!" I would also remember placing it there and wouldn't have bothered waking her up to remind me. She says "You can't prove I threw it out" and she was right! In court, this circumstantial evidence would never hold up and with women that's all that matters sometimes.... Can you PROVE it?

I couldn't so I put her back into bed, apologized for forgetting I must of thrown it out, and did the only thing a sane person would do in this situation.... I get dressed and head to the 24 hour A&P.

I take the time to cut out a Ben & Jerry's coupon (might as well make it a really worthwhile trip) and head out at 2:30.

I get to the supermarket and watch a 55 year old, fat white man push a cart while his BLACK son(?) is dragging his feet behind him yelling "Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning!" To which the father responds sweetly "Shut Up!"

Holy Hell!

Anyway, I get the scoop and head to freezer section to get my Ben & Jerry's. I get there and start to panic a bit... "Where's the Cubby Hubby?" I say to myself, out loud over and over. It's nowhere to found as I am now frantically digging through the other flavors in search of it! It's no where and I'm freaking out! "Chubby Hubby, where are you!"

Then I spot it! In the Haggen Daz section, like a beacon in the distance.

I grab it, place it gently in the basket and head for the check out.

I pass the cast of Different Strokes again and out of the corner of my eye I see a new flavor of Doritos! I stop and take a closer look. "Fiery Habanero" flavor. I have to have these! As a bonus, they are half price! I throw them in the basket and head to the register.

Let's recap, I have a bag of Doritos, a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a shit scoop for a litter box. Oh, and it's 2:45 in the morning! The girl at the checkout shoots me a look and to read her mind would go like this I assume... "This stoner has a dirty litter box at home. What a loser!"

I think to myself "Loser? Screw you, check out girl!" And I'm gone.

Home, I clean the litter box, wash my hands and try the Doritos. They are really hot!!! I need to cool my mouth off....

Good thing I have this pint of ice cream sitting here.

My girlfriend is asleep again. I'm thinking of waking her and holding up the new litter scoop and saying...

"Babe, look what I found in the coffee pot"

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Weekend in Review


I get up and do nothing. Play some on line poker and get good and angry at all the bad beats I'm taking. This is nothing new at this point but I keep playing anyway. I'm pretty good at it and it never ceases to be "different"..... Different ways to get my balls kicked in!

Later, my girlfriend and I decide to go food shopping. I HATE this activity with her. She likes to go in EVERY aisle and pick out things! She's very health concise so she's always looking at the nutritional facts and calories.

Like the old saying goes.... "Men hunt, women gather"

Now, when I go to the supermarket there are only a few places I need to go...

1. The Deli Department to pick up some fresh loose meat.

2. The Junk Food aisle to see what's on sale. I'm not picky, as long as it's full of salt and artificial flavor I will buy it and eat it!

3. The freezer section to see what frozen entrees on are sale. I like quick meals that I don't have to clean up after. To me, a frozen block of lasagna and a plastic fork are the stuff dreams are made of!

4. The Ice cream section. Ben and Jerry's or Haagen Daz... Doesn't matter to me. (see #2)

And that's it! Maybe some bread for the loose meat and one or two other items and I'm gone!

Back to my girlfriend.... She's picking out vegetables and fruit and whole wheat shit!

I'm pushing the cart...

Anyway, the highlight of this trip was when I passed a girl and her mother. They were bookends. VERY large, short, bookends. The daughter is about 15 years old, four-foot-eight, TWO HUNDRED pounds, wearing a TIGHT green shirt that reads "Dancing Machine"

HOLY SHIT! It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I made my girlfriend seek her out and look for herself.

That night my girlfriend and I get into a fight. We don't fight very often. In fact, it was maybe the third fight we've had in over a year. My buddy A.S.S. calls during it and I ramble about why.

A few more bad beats on line and I go to bed...


I get up and my girlfriend and I are still not speaking. She leaves the house and I'm back at the poker table. My buddy A.S.S. calls again and I tell him what happened. Now, he had spoken to my girlfriend the night before when he called and heard her side of what was going on and in his opinion, I was mad about nothing. In fact, he thought I had the whole thing wrong! I assured him that not only wasn't I "wrong" but, in fact, I was "158% RIGHT!"

Well..... I was wrong.

I had mis-heard something she said the night before and was pissed off over nothing. In turn, she was pissed at me for a very good reason.

I'm an ASSHOLE!!!

We made up because she is a wonderful, forgiving, PATIENT person.

A beautiful person inside and out (she reads this)

A.S.S. and his girlfriend make plans with us and then blow us off.... Fuck head!

Anyway, I'm feeling so bad that I offer to take her to the movies... I HATE going to the movies. There are so many reasons that I will have to do a separate post someday. Either way, she knows this and sees that I really feel bad about the fight and is happy to go!

We got as far as 20 feet from the lobby door and that was it! I couldn't do it. There were hoards of teenagers going into the theatre at the same time we were. I knew these kids were going to wind up right behind me and she knew it as well. She appreciated the effort and we agreed to hit a matinee next weekend.

Again, patience....

We hit Blockbuster and rented The Family Stone I was still feeling bad and agreed to watch this chick-flick turd because I knew she wanted to. Oh, and it was a TURD!

This is how bad it was...Luke Wilson was in it and during one scene he's standing in a pair of tight sweatpants sporting some major morning wood... I say out loud "I have a feeling Rusty LOVES this movie" and my girlfriend and I laughed... The only time we laughed!


I wake up and eat four doughnuts and two bagels... I'm a fat fuck! I watch Diehard and the Yankees get their asses kicked again.

We make plans to go visit with some friends of my girlfriend's and they flake out as well... Fuck Heads! (something about oral surgery and a numb face....)

Now I'm waiting for Deadwood tonight. I look forward to this all weekend. As I've posted before, it's leaving the air soon and I will be forced to turn elsewhere for my brilliant television.

Here's an edited episode.... Only the curse words are left. If you enjoy obscene, vulgar language as much as I do (and I know some of you do!) click on this...


- Caught some of "America's Got Talent" this weekend and two things leaped out.

1. Any "talent" show judged by David Hasslehoof can not be taken seriously.

2. There was a group called "Sugar and Spice" They were an all black group! If you are going to call yourself "SUGAR and Spice" you need at least ONE white fuck in the mix!

- "Big" News from Saturday Night Live

Seems Tina Fey is leaving to write her own sitcom.... Does anyone care? Tina Fey has been the head-writer over there for the past six years. Arguably, the WORST six years the show has been on the air. Why they would use her name to sell anything new is beyond me... She's already had one sitcom idea fail and this one will tank too. Their best shot was to hope no one made the connection and gave the show a chance.

Thursday, July 20, 2006


I went golfing today...

I was a fun day except for two small details:

1. It was very cloudy out today so I went without the sunscreen. That was dumb... However, what makes it retarded is that I was driving the cart all day so I'm very sunburned,,,,, ONLY on my left side!

My left arm, leg and side of face are as red as a lobster's ass.

My right side is as pale as it always is...

2. I dragged a 17 year old with me. I was this kid's basketball coach when he was in 5th grade and have remained close with his family since. This kid is one of those "natural" athlete types. He's generally good at any sport he attempts and I found out that golf is just another one he can now kick my ass at. (basketball happened when he turned 12)

Anyway, this was his THIRD time playing golf and he beat me by over 20 strokes. I generally suck anyway but rarely am I so embarrassed by my playing partner. Worse yet, he talked shit the whole time while doing it!

It wasn't like I could shut him up either! As an example I hit a 200 yard drive straight down the middle with my 3-wood. I was feeling pretty good about this as he LAUNCHES a drive 300 fucking yards! One of seven drives he hit over 250.

I once hit a drive 300 yards...It was downhill on a windy day.

Worse yet, he did with a 8 degree driver....For those of you not familiar with golf an 8 degree refers to the loft on the club face....Most pros hit 8 degree drivers.... Suck-ass amateurs like myself hit 10 or 11..... No one I know steps on the course for the third time and hits an 8 degree 250+ yards, seven times...

Did I mention I HATE this kid?

Tomorrow, I think I'll take my girlfriend's 82 year-old grandmother mini-golfing.

I think I can take her.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I Made A Music Video!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Random Vent #11

Your championship trophy needs to be bigger than a dildo!

After one month of soccer matches the winning team gathers around a trophy smaller than the ones given out to children as "participation awards" in youth sports.

If you want me to take your sport seriously you need to actually compete for something of worth! (National Pride doesn't count. After all, it would take a lot more than a soccer match for France)

These teams don't even get to keep the trophy! They give it back next year and it's replaced with a gold plated substitute!

You'd think the winner of the most popular sports competition in the WORLD would have something of value to show for it! For Christ's sake, the second place plate at Wimbledon is worth more.

Oh, and deciding a WORLD championship with penalty kicks is like ending the Superbowl in a tie and asking the opposing quarterbacks to take turns throwing a football through a tire!

Wake me up again in four years.... Second thought, just let me sleep.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Some More New Things


1. A new post is up at the other blog. This one is in honor of our friend Dim!

2. My lovely, better half has started her own blog. I think she was tired of hearing about mine! Anyway, she's a very talented writer and if you have a chance try and stop by:

From The Neck Up


Monday, July 03, 2006

I Made a Commercial!


LOTS of foul language! May not be work safe!

Saturday, July 01, 2006

People I Can Do Without #11

Why is this woman

For the life of me I can not find one thing Star Jones has done of any merit! As an example, under career highlights, she lists being the only person to interview O.J. Simpson during his civil lawsuit!


If that's a career "highlight" then I shudder to think about what she considers a low point.

As far as I can tell she's appeared on numerous tabloid programs over the years, lost a bunch of weight, married a guy named Al, and gotten fired from the most annoying show on television.

Quite a friggin' list!

Now everyone want to know what's next! What's next for Star?

Who gives a shit!

She's all over the place now, which means I have to see her face EVERYWHERE! Personally, I'd rather stare at a steaming, pile of cow shit than have to look at Star Jones ever again!

Maybe that's just me....

If she wants my opinion of what to do next (other than staying off my TV) I would suggest going back to one of her other two jobs...

Helping the Republic fight the Empire


Coaching Temple basketball!