People,Places & Things That Tend to Annoy Me

People I can Do Without #19

2010-02-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

Jesus H. Woods!

Enough.

Why can't an athlete or famous person just say the following...
"I was rich, I was horny, I wanted to get laid"

That's it! Simple.

All this... "I hurt my family, my sponsors, families who's kids looked up to me"

Blah, blah, blah...

"I was rich, I was horny, I wanted to get laid"

Next time, Tiger, just say that. Save us all the 15 minutes of nonsense. Memorize it and pass it along to Brad Pitt, John Edwards, John Mayer, Arod and any other famous person who gets in "trouble" for simply acting like a human being.Two rules to live by when you reach that level.
1. Never get married. For any reason!

2. If you don't get married (Talking to John Mayer here) NEVER apologize for being honest about your sex life.

In the end, Tiger Woods' real issue wasn't that he cheated it was that he should have never gotten married in the first place. I know that wouldn't play well with most women but fuck it!

They aren't buying his golf shit anyway.

Refund your wedding guests their gifts and then move on! Get out of rehab and take David Duchovny with you.

"I was rich, I was horny, I wanted to get laid"

People I Can Do Without #18

2008-10-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one a little bit tired of these "Undecided" voters?

These attention whores who find their way onto CNN and other news stations at the end of every debate. Last night, following the VP debate, I was subjected to another group of these losers.

And they are losers! A lot of "um" and "well" and general drivel flowed like tapped kegs of ignorance as the woman with the mic continued to stick it in each one of their bloated, uneducated faces. They try and use big words and wind up stammering worse than a retarded person with Tourette's. At the end of their "thought" it's always the same line... "Well, I STILL don't know"

In other words, "please invite me back for the next focus group, following the next debate so I can be on TV one more time"

I'm sorry, but we've been at this for EIGHTEEN months! You've had eighteen months to "decide" who you're voting for. If you can't make a decision in that amount of time do us all a favor and just don't vote! Your obviously too dumb to be trusted to do so.

I understood in 2000 when people were undecided. Bush and Gore literally agreed on every issue at all three debates. Dozens and dozens of times they said they agreed with each other. There were no real differences to be found and trust me, I looked.

In the end, I voted for none of the above and cast my ballot for Nader.

I was "undecided"

However, in 2008, that's not an option this late in the game. At this point, after the past eighteen months, it's time to pick a side and decide where you stand. And I really don't care where that is, just get on your damn feet!

There are clear and obvious differences on McCain and Obama's platforms and views.

Whatever your issue...

1. Health Care

2. Education

3. Alternative Energy

4. The Economy

5. Abortion

6. Iraq

7. Pakistan

8. Foreign Policy and how it will relate to discussions and negotiations with other nations.

There are clear differences, in BOTH campaigns, as they relate to personal philosophy and execution of all of these ideas above.

Make up your damn mind!

If you dedicated HALF the time you have whoring yourself out to focus groups these past eighteen months and actually took time to just THINK you wouldn't be "undecided"

And most importantly you wouldn't be on my television and in my living room!

I Flip-Flop.... Do You?

2008-08-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

So this is what the American public is reduced to? Simple little phrases, uttered by simple little people to try and simplify really complicated issues.

"Flip-Flop" the verb, and "Flip-Flopper" the noun, are adding to the generalized embarrassment that this country has become and no one seems to mind.

The term "Flip-Flop" was coined by the Bush administration. That should be enough for any intelligent person to never use it in a sentence. Unfortunately, most people are absolute morons and these morons have actually convinced themselves that changing one's mind, for ANY reason, is a sign of weakness. That starting out wrong, and staying wrong is actually better than ultimately being right!

Go back and re-read that last paragraph.

Morons!

I thought after the past eight years we were ready to get serious in this country. Apparently I was wrong. Both sides, Republican and Democrat, are using this nauseating verbage every day it seems to describe something I've always found appealing in intelligent people. The ability to change one's mind when being presented with new information.

It's true that the act of forming an opinion and standing by that opinion is a sign of leadership. However, the refusal to alter that opinion when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary isn't leadership at all. It's hard-headed stupidity and until the American public is will to recognize and accept this we will continue to deserve the kind of "leadership" the Bush administration has demonstrated these past eight years.

As a small example.

OFF SHORE DRILLING

This issue is so dumb it's actually mind-blowing. It's a knee jerk reaction to a huge problem. A problem so large that it's going to take decades to remedy it and no single thing will fix it.

Gas prices are through the roof because of greedy oil companies and now people are willing to listen to these same companies as they offer solutions to the problem they helped create. Meanwhile, Exxon/Mobile reports another quarter of record profits and we're supposed to trust them and their solutions?

Not me! Here's a few things to keep in mind as this issue continues to become this election cycles gay marriage. This year's wedge issue...

1. Most experts agree that it will take a minimum of six YEARS to actually find and harvest any oil here in America. At that point the total amount found will equal about .002 percent of the world's oil supply.

2. During that six years we will continue to pay the gas premiums we are now. If John McCain is allowed to present this as the cornerstone of his energy policy I can assure you that the price of gas and food will continue to strangle the average American family.

3. Simply harvesting oil isn't enough. We still have to refine it! Neither side has actually discussed this idea. The solution would be to build more American refineries. This is the solution of many oil executives. A simple way to increase their output and produce more profit. There is a bigger question in all of this...

Where are we going to build these extra refineries? They pollute tons and aren't environmentally sound. No one wants them built next to their homes! Sorta like prisons. Everyone wants more of them, just not in their backyards.

4. Even if we do harvest and refine this .002 percent of the world's oil there's no guarantee that it will actually wind up in American cars and homes. Currently over 90 percent of all the oil produced in America winds up in the foreign market. It's shipped to places like Europe where they pay more than double what we do already. These American oil companies have ZERO intention of keeping this extra oil here at home. No way and no how. It doesn't make any economic sense to do so.

In the end this is a typical American "solution". Instant gratification to a problem 100 years in the making. It's impossible to solve these problems by simply drilling more. Impossible!

Unfortunately the American consumer is so dumb that Barack Obama has had to change his stance on the subject. He's gone from being totally against the idea to now agreeing to compromise on the subject and use the issue as part of a larger, further-reaching, energy policy.

FLIP-FLOPPER!

That's what the talking heads on right-wing television and radio would have you believe. They call it "flip-flopping" while I call it actual leadership.

See, when the majority of the electorate want something it's important to listen to them. Even if they are wrong. That's the idea of a "democracy" and our "by the people, for the people" idea of government. Obama has realized that simply saying no on this subject isn't going to work. He's agreed to compromise with the people on the Right. People who owe big oil most of their senate and house seats in the first place. He's agreed to re-visit the idea and possibly make off-shore drill PART of a much larger energy policy. Give a little to get a lot.

Work across the political aisle to try and find a solution everyone can feel comfortable with.

Obama is smart enough to realize getting everyone on board is better than leaving half the country behind. After all, he's not running for President of the Blue States.

The McCain camp has jumped all over this and are trying to sell it as weakness.

I would say that electing a man willing to try and listen to both sides and adjust his thinking accordingly is a sign of strength and intelligence. If nothing else, a breath of fresh air. After all, the "our way, or the highway" policies of the Bush administration these past eight years have lead this country into numerous dead ends both here at home and abroad. Most of these policies are ones the McCain camp is all too willing to see continue the next four years.

If "Flip-Flop" is code for changing one's mind then I'd rather have a flip-flopper in charge than an old, stubborn man that refuses to reconsider his thoughts or ideas no matter what anyone thinks. Imagine a world where no one ever changed their view of what was right based on new information and public opinion....

A flat world, the sun revolved around when the moon made of cheese wasn't filling the night sky. A country where black people weren't considered whole humans in the eyes of the law and where women didn't have the right to vote.

What a wonderful place indeed.

People I Can Do Without #17

2008-07-10T15:43:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre needs to go away!

And not in one of those football ways former players go away. No working in the booth duringlive telecasts and no coaching or front office stuff either. Hell, I don't even want to see him on the card show circuit signing autographs.

He needs to disappear, FOREVER!

I can't take it anymore. The crying and the constant need for attention that started five years ago before the final game of the 2002 season. The every off-season of "will he or won't he" that hijacks sports TV for months and months.

And have I mentioned the crying?

Sweet Jesus, the crying!

You're a football player, not a broadway dancer! Suck it up and act like a man.

I wouldn't mind so much if he ever cried half as much after throwing one of his patented season killing touchdowns. The ones he threw every post season since the late 90s. For all of the "greatest quarterback" talk that gets thrown around when talking of Favre's career it amazes me that those interceptions never seem to come up. Montana, Brady, Young, and Elway never did that every year. Yet somehow Favre has wormed his way into the debate with those four.

If you need a quarterback for one game, one game with ten million on the line... winner take all, are you really picking Brett Favre? Of course not! He doesn't even make the short list.

These days the Packers don't want him for the last game either. In fact, they don't want him for any of the sixteen games this year. It seems they're over him too.

My only question is why it even took this long? If I were the Packers I'd send him a thank you card attached to a case of kleenex and tell him to have a great life. Then change the locks and disconnect the phone!

In Conversation: Numby

2008-07-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

Running short on ideas and committed to updating this blog 2-3 times a week it looks like I'm going to have to be a little bit more "creative"

This will start to include interview segments with subjects that tend to annoy me. Subject number one is my cat, Numby. That's pronounced "numb-E"

He was named this after we brought him home and I spent the first week or two of his life calling him "numbnuts"

As in....

"Numbnuts, stop climbing up my bare leg"

This wasn't okay with my other half as she is somehow convinced that the cat can not only understand English but knows what the word "numbnuts" means. Never mind, that at this point of his life, the cat had NO nuts at all! Calling him "no-nuts" was too literal and not as much fun for me.

This continued for a little while longer until my other half insisted I stop. In my quest to make her happy I discontinued my use of "numbnuts" and began calling him by a new name, "Dummy"

Apparently the cat knew what this meant as well and my other half wasn't happy with this choice either. I grew frustrated and reached the following compromise... If I couldn't call him "Numbnuts" and if "Dummy" was also out of the question I would call him "Numby" and there we had it... Our new baby boy was named Numby!

Numby is three years old now and still terribly behaved. This really isn't his fault as he suffers from awful anxiety as a result of being separated from his mother too early in life. He will lick you for two hours straight, cry for food when there's a full plate and shake the closed bedroom door in the middle of the night as if he was a girl running away from a killer in a horror movie and getting through this door was the only way to survive.

Of course, looking like that I would let him in and he would call me "big poppa"

Anyway, without further ado... My conversation with Numby.

Mr. A - Numby, how are you?

Numby - Meow

Mr. A - Why, in the middle of the night, do you shake the door so violently that your mother and I are awoken from our sleep in fear of our lives?

Numby- Meow....

Mr. A - Fair enough, but if you're hungry why not eat the food already on your plate in the kitchen? Do you even check the plate? See, I don't think you do. I think that when the sun starts to appear outside the window you think "time to eat" and start freaking out! Never mind that it's 5:30 in the morning and we have to work all day.

Numby- (purrs)

Mr. A - I know that it pleases you to eat but it pleases the humans to sleep. On to other topics. Why won't you use the scratching post I purchased? Your sister uses it and is perfectly happy to do so. Why do you use the rugs and chairs? Keep it up and I'm taking the rugs away

Numby - (hisses)

Mr. A - Well, that's too bad.

Numby - (Hisses louder)

Mr. A - You brought this on yourself. You have only yourself to blame! And while we're on the topic of personal behavior, why can't you cover up your shit when you're done in the litter box? Honestly! I've never seen a cat walk into a litter box, shit, and then walk back out without even kicking the litter one time. I mean you don't even ATTEMPT to cover it! One Goddamn kick! Is it really that hard? We buy you new litter all the time and clean that box so it's fit for a king to shit in and you can't even give me one half-assed kick? Can't even fake it?

Numby - (tilts his head to the left and stares)

Mr. A - You know what I'm saying!

Numby - (walks away)

Mr. A - Good talk. Thanks for stopping by!

Annoyed for President

2008-07-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following months ago and never published it. Not sure why... it's pretty good! Anyway, as I warned when I jumped back into the madness that is blogging I will be getting a bit more political.

Don't worry, this won't become a "political blog." (the next post I've written is an interview with my cat) But this was worth sharing I thought.... I hope I can count on your votes in 2012!

I'm too young to run for President. However, in a few years that won't be the case.

With this in mind, I've decided to start my grass roots campaign now. In the coming weeks I will be announcing my cabinet, VP and slogan.

In the meantime here's some of my domestic policies....

1. Abortion will remain safe and legal.

- Wire hangers and back alley doctors will not have a place in my America. This will not be a state by state issue. It will be federal law!

2. Drugs will be decriminalized. Pot will be LEGAL!

- Pot is only illegal because of big business. The logging industry saw to this back in the early part of the 1900s. If you can grow it in your back yard it's yours to enjoy.

- Making pot illegal while alcohol isn't is backwards at best.

- The "War on Drugs" is a tremendous failure. How anything that attacks and looks to punish sick people can be considered "right" or "justified" is beyond rational thinking.

- Anyone caught selling drugs to anyone under the age of 18 will be sent to jail for 20 years with no chance of parole. Period. While drugs will be legal for any adult to enjoy the choice to use drugs will be a "grown up" one.

- The money being used to fight this "war on drugs" will be diverted into education and treatment. After giving people all the facts we will trust them to make choices for themselves. If they get in over their heads we will help them get back on track. We will treat people with compassion and understanding. A very underrated concept in today's America.

- Child Molesters will not serve less time than Pot Heads in my America.

3. We will be off gasoline by the year 2020.

- Alternative fuels will be developed here in America. People working for the oil companies will be hired by the new alternative providers. We will ensure this happens more often than not by offering tax incentives to do so.

- All diesel engines will be converted to run on bio-diesel.

- Ethanol will be outlawed. While it burns cleaner than gas it pollutes just as much to make. Plus, the corn lobby has run amuck for far to long in this country. Convert your fields to hemp or soy and lets move on.

4. Corn Syrup will be eliminated from all food products by the year 2015.

- People wonder why Americans are getting fatter and fatter. Look no further than your food labels. High Fructose Corn Syrup is literally killing people by the millions every year.

5. No more Bushes or Clintons will be allowed to hold political office.

- If this needs explaining I don't want your vote.

6. The electoral college will be destroyed.

- A concept created to ensure minorities had no voice in America. All these years later it still does.

- One person, one vote. People argue that it gives voice to everyone while it does the complete opposite. If I live in Texas and vote Democrat, why should I even leave the house on election day? Same if I want to vote Republican living in Massachusetts. In my America every one's vote will count. A crazy idea in a "democracy" I know.

7. Election day will be a national holiday.

- No more excuses for not voting (Ladies, I'm talking to you)

- In order to make room for this on the calendar, every forth year Columbus Day will not be observed. It's nonsense anyway.

8. Health care will be provided, free of charge, for anyone that can't afford it.

- You will be allowed to pick your coverage and if you already have it, the company you work for will be required to keep you on their health plan for the duration of your employment.

- Any company that employs more than ten people will need to offer health coverage to their employees.

9. Anyone caught quoting the bible in a public, political setting will be shot to death on site.

- If you think you know what Jesus would do then ask him directly!

10. Semi-automatic weapons will be banned!

-If the NRA has a problem with this then they can show up to a rally full of parents who lost their sons and daughters to gun violence, look them in the eyes and explain why a hunter needs to shoot Bambi with a banana clip full of ammo. If it's really a sport than let's make it bit more sporting....

The Sky Is Falling!

2008-07-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe not literally. However, there is some strange shit going on with the world's weather right now. The fires in California, Typhoons and Earthquakes in Asia. And let's not forget that Rosie O'Donnell is still on the lose!

And now the folks on the left are running around screaming GLOBAL WARMING! GLOBAL WARMING!

Well.... Yes, and no.

The fact is Global Warming is a real threat. It does exist and isn't a "theory" as the chimp in the White House was claiming up until a year or so ago. However, it's not leading to the end of the world in the next five minutes if Obama isn't elected.

While some of these events can be traced back to climate change and our arrogant abuse of the planet the fact is many of them can just be filed under the heading of "Shit Happens"

And it does....

Mudslides, Hurricanes, Forest Fires, Avalanches, Typhoons, Tsunamis, Volcanic Eruptions, Earthquakes, Mass Flooding and Tornadoes.

All of these things have been happening since before the invention of hairspray and charcoal.

Certainly we haven't helped. However, I find it more than a little hypocritical that the left wing environmental groups have hijacked this topic and have made it their sole goals in life to try and scare the living hell out of everybody by exploiting it ad nausea.

Four years ago I watched the Republicans tell anyone within ear shot that if elected President, John Kerry would sit back and watch as the "terrorists and evil doers" blew the hell out of every city in America!

The politics of fear! And it worked... The worst President in history "won" a second term.

Fear is a powerful thing and it was shameful how the Right Wing exploited it for their own greed and agenda. It pissed me off then and it still does now.

But now here we are, four years later, and I'm watching the fringe of the Left Wing do the same thing with global warming. They want you to believe that if you elect John McCain he'll sit back and watch as American cities are swallowed up by the oceans.

Bullshit!

Will Barack Obama push harder for alternative fuels and a more sound energy policy than McCain? I believe he will. And I will be voting for Obama over McCain for a dozen other reasons as well.

However, fear will not be one of them.

I would urge my friend's on the left to give the finger to environmental groups pushing the politics of fear the same way they gave the finger to fear mongers four years ago when pulling that lever for Kerry. Global Warming is a serious problem that requires serious attention paid to it. It will require all hands on deck from BOTH sides of the political aisle. By allowing it to become a wedge issue we as Americans are permitting the one truly bi-partisan issue we have to become a Left Vs. Right "debate"

Helping heal the planet shouldn't be open to debate. It's one of those things that we should all be able to agree on by applying simple common sense.

Like hunting down Rosie O'Donnell and locking her away...

Think of the all wasteful air we could save.

Supremely Wrong

2008-06-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

Not sure if anyone caught the Supreme Court's decision today that stated the rape of a child is not a crime that should be punishable by death. Here's the story...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/06/25/scotus.child.rape/index.html#cnnSTCText

Now, I've been called a "liberal" by a lot of people. Usually by some ignorant asshole that I don't agree with when they say "Bush is doing a good job." Or when I say that I actually beileve that Global Warming is a fact and not a therory. Or drugs and prostitution should be legalized. Feeling that abortion should be kept safe and legal.

Stuff like that.

However, this is where my liberal friend's jump ship....

Today's 5 to 4 majority vote by the Supreme Court is wrong. And not just wrong because they voted it down but wrong because they didn't vote to take it even further.

I'm for the death penalty. A little thinning of the herd never hurt in my opinion. However, I would insist on DNA testing or an admittance of guilt before the sentence can be carried out. Or a video tape or anything else that proves guilt beyond a shadow of a doubt. In any case that there's even a 1% chance of innocence then no death penalty. Too many "mistakes" over the years....

Back to the point... If someone is caught and found guilty of raping a child then not only should they be put to death but it shouldn't be "humane" and "civilized" It should be medieval and in line with ancient Rome. There should be lions involved and crucifixions and torture. And when the scum-bag child rapist is one step from death's door we should rush them to the hospital and nurse them back to health. Then, do it all over again. Keep them on 24 hour suicide watch in order to prevent the easy way out. This should continue for years and years just like the emotional scar that child is forced to carry.

And while we're at it I want to extend the law to cover all women and not only the children. ANY pre-mediated rape of anyone should be punishable by death! Period, end of story!

The fact is, sex offenders CAN NOT be rehabilitated. They WILL rape and molest again. And Child rapist will NEVER stop wanting to fuck with kids. The may "control" the urge by eventually they will hurt another child.

The court ruled that because it doesn't involve the act of ending a life it can not be punishable by death. See, I disagree. I think that's EXACTLY what raping a child does. It takes their life from them. Not in a literal sense but in the sense that it forever changes the life they would have had. It robs them of more than their breath as it literally takes a chunk of their souls.

The Supreme Court got it wrong today.

Today is one of the few times I can ever recall not wanting to be called a "Liberal."

Another Reason To Turn In Early

2008-05-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

I've always been a bit of a night owl. Granted, not as much these days being that I'm working a 9-5 job and am usually worn out by midnight. However, over the course of my lifetime, I'd estimate I've seen the sun rise on par with most well paid hookers.

All that being said, there's a new reason to make sure you get a full eight hours every night....

Jimmy Fallon is coming to late night!

I guess Rip Taylor was booked?

I thought when he was done with SNL we were going to be able to put that whole era behind us. The "Will Ferrell left and this shit won't be funny for five more years" era.

But no! Not only does Tina Fay get her own overrated, unfunny, lame ass sitcom but now Fallon gets "Late Night"

WTF?

How do we go from Letterman to Conan to Fallon in one lifetime? What sick ass joke is God holding back the punch line to?

Here's hoping he can get Chris Kattan or Rachel Dratch to co-host. That's, of course, "assuming" they're available.

Wake me when it's over...

Where The F**K Have I Been?

2008-05-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

As Dim so sweetly asked?

I have been working.... That's it really!

Busy with weddings (not mine) and other life related issues.

As far as the blog thing goes... I always said that I wasn't going to do anything political. There are a hundred thousand of those already. This was going to be different. However, the only stuff that's really pissing me off these days is political in nature. I feel I may be gearing up for some new stuff. Some of it may be political in nature as the last post hinted at.

Stayed tuned... I'll let you know exactly where the FUCK I am!

:-)

My New Bumper Sticker

2008-05-08T11:10:00.001-07:00

For My Dogs

2007-09-13T04:13:00.000-07:00

I have intentionally stayed away from the Michael Vick story....

Until now.

I wanted to ingest everything that was swirling around this one before committing my thoughts to paper. After doing so, here are my complete feelings.

1. Michael Vick is a scumbag. What he did was disgusting and his debt to society should be paid in full whenever the check comes due.

2. Michael Vick is far from the only person involved in this "sport." He is however, the biggest name so the feds had a field day with him. They cut the head off but the body is alive and well in all 50 states. Let's see how many more busts they make in the coming year. My feeling is we won't hear anything else about dog fighting for a long time. Maybe until the day Vick is released from prison.

3. On a certain level, I find it amusing that people are this worked up about Pit Bulls. They are acting like Vick hung and drown cute, cuddly animals that anyone would want to adopt. This of course is complete nonsense. Pit Bulls are the most vilified domestic animal in America. I would venture to say 99% of the protesters outside the courthouse would never have adopted one from an animal shelter. In fact, go to your local shelter and take a look for yourself. Pit Bulls are readily available. What happens to all those dogs when they aren't adopted? Here's a clue.... It involves death. How many of these protesters left the courthouse and rescued a Pit Bull on the way home?

Hell, if someone moved in next door to you and brought eight Pit Bulls with them, how long until you would be looking to move? How long before you are calling animal control to investigate?

The outrage that eight of these animals were killed was a bit silly considering hundreds are "put down" every day without a peep from the public in protest.

4.

PETA needs to shut their mouths and forever go away! They are nothing more than a cult! A hypocritical and dangerous cult.

PETA themselves have personally killed over 14,000 dogs and "put down" over 90% of the animals they collect. Many of which could be adopted out to the public if they put forth half an effort to do so.

PETA supports and funds domestic terrorism. They support the bombing of medical labs that use animals in their research. Meanwhile, members of the PETA executive board use medications developed in such labs for their own survival.

HYPOCRITES!

Don't take my word on it.....

http://www.petakillsanimals.com/article_detail.cfm?article=134

Plus, if this is what eating healthy looks like....

Pass the Krispy Kremes!

5. The black people protesting in defense of Michael Vick need to have their heads checked. Why is so hard for black people in America to turn their backs on obviously bad people? O.J. I understood on a certain level. That was more about the police in America and their historically awful treatment of the black community. Plus, O.J. still claims his innocence. He was acquitted in an American court and set free. I, like most sane people, think he got away with murder. However, if the black community wants to continue with their blind support I will politely just continue to look the other way.

Here's the BIG difference. Michael Vick pled guilty! He admitted doing all of what they claimed he did. This happened AFTER he lied about all of it. In the end, this makes him a lying murderer of innocent animals. It's time for the black community of Atlanta to start celebrating some actual heroes. Go down to you local firehouse and find a black firefighter. Go to the local public elementary school and ask for a black teacher. Those are the true heroes in America. Black and white America.

6. America is happy to hang Vick on their way to the local dog race or horse track. Hypocrisy in action folks. Horse racing is made up of countless people abusing horses by shooting them up with steroids and other drugs. This makes the horse grow too big for its' own legs and leads to the breakage of those legs. How many horses do you see walking with a limp? None, because as soon as their drugged out body gives out they are killed immediately.

Every year thousands and thousands of Greyhounds are killed in America all in the name of "sport." This of course is after they spend their lives in tiny cages and suffering terrible injuries while people place bets on the outcome.

That sounds strangely familiar doesn't it?

If a Greyhound is proved to be a weak competitor they are killed.

That sound familiar?

Let's hang Vick for killing eight dogs while thousands are murdered at race tracks every year. While I agree killing one dog is too many I don't see why an entire sanctioned industry is written a free pass every year for the same crimes against animals.

7.
If Michael Vick can find him, Jesus needs to change his phone number!

Where was Jesus when Vick hung and drowned those dogs? My guess is, not on call. Jesus, do me a favor and let the phone just ring once and awhile.

In the end, Michael Vick needs to go away for a while. However, so do horse tracks, dog tracks and PETA. Only when that happens will I say justice for the animals has been truly served.

Six Years Later

2007-09-11T05:52:00.000-07:00

Jesus,

Has it been six years? Seems like yesterday in many respects. In many others, it seems longer. Strange how the past can do that to you. I remember waking up and turning on the TV to see a report of a plane hitting the WTC on the morning shows. I, like many others, just assumed some idiot flew a single engine into a building in Manhattan. I turned off the TV and jumped into the shower. I drove to work listening to the CD player. It wasn't until I arrived that we understood what was really going on.

Where's my father?

That was the first thought. He works location scouting for a television show that always shoots in that area of NYC. Something that was driven further home every time I was on location staring at a huge hole in the ground these past couple of years.

Busy signals.

That's all we got that morning. Busy, busy, busy. Like the devil's alarm clock ringing in your ear.

Finally got the call that pop was all right and then I spent the day bartending as people walked in and out the door muttering "how" and "why" and "towel headed bastards” The beer flowed and the shots got poured. People that walked in confused left wasted and numb. I remember standing 20 miles outside NYC in a parking lot of the bar. You could see the sky over Manhattan dark and cloudy. So close.....

I went home and called my recent ex-girlfriend and we made up. The little stuff didn't seem so big that day.

Or any day since for that matter.

I've sat and watched as politicians have run and won campaigns built on fear based on that day. I've seen and heard the victims used and exploited for political gain and corporate stock building. Stood by and watched as people argue and mis- manage funds donated to help the families of the victims. In some cases only 10% of donations ever got to their intended target.

The Nation stood by and allowed that day to become a battle cry. We've sat and watched as over 30,000 of our nations best and brightest have been injured fighting in a country that had nothing to do with that day. Nearly 4,000 killed in the name of "freedom"

Six years later and not much changes. Rudy Giuliani is running a fear campaign. Rudy, who may be the biggest fraud since Bush Jr...... Rudy, who's "leadership" led to New York's Bravest losing countless men that day. Rudy, who has made MILLIONS giving speeches on counter-terrorism while ignoring the facts and exploiting the victims. After all, surviving having a building nearly fall on your head shouldn't qualify as anything more than lucky.

But that doesn't matter.... Keep the population scared. Living in fear and consuming. That's the new American Dream. That's how elections won and people "protected"

Not for me and not today. Turn off the TV and put down the newspaper. Realize today, like six years ago, you still have a better chance of being struck by lightning than blown up by a terrorist. Remember the dead, celebrate the living. Honor our soldiers and pray for their safe returns. Don't allow exploitation to become an accepted political platform... Demand more from our leaders and above all....

Don't sweat the little things.

Guns Don't Kill People

2007-04-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

To recap....

You can not say "Nappy headed ho" on radio because that may offend people. However, you can buy a gun on a Friday and then kill 32 people the following Monday. I'm glad we have our priorities straight in this country. Thank God Imus is forever out of our lives while semi-automatic weapons are still part of them.

Listen, I'm not some "Ban the guns" liberal. I think the right to bear arms is a basic right guaranteed to all Americans by the founding fathers of this country. However, our forefathers had muskets. They also had the foresight to make the constitution amendable. If Thomas Jefferson was starring down the barrel of a glock I'm not so sure he would have just blindly signed off on the issue.

People need to get serious and realize semi-automatic weapons need to be outlawed for use by private citizens. The argument you need a semi-automatic weapon to defend your home is complete nonsense! There's nothing one of those weapons will protect you from that this can't.

And this can't fire hundreds of rounds per minute.

People have the right to protect their homes, loved ones, and personal property. They shouldn't have the right to walk into a gun shop on a Friday and buy a gun with, no waiting period, and endless amounts of ammo for that gun. Or better yet, at many gun shows every weekend, just walk in and walk out with any gun you want!

"There are background checks in place"

Yeah, well, ask those families in West Virginia today how effective those are.

Then again, maybe Chris Rock had it right. Maybe the answer isn't "gun control."

Maybe the answer is a whole lot simpler.

Save Imus?

2007-04-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

Unless you live under a rock you've heard the outcry from the Black Community this week concerning Don Imus and his recent remarks about the Rutgers Woman's Basketball team. If by some reason you haven't go here for the story.

Anyway, now the Black Community is outraged and calling for his job and I'm getting emails from NOW (The National Organization of Women) asking me to join their email campaign to have Imus fired from his job.

A few points I must make.....

1. Don Imus is a jackass. Always has been, always will be. I think what he said was disgusting and insensitive. With that said, he has every right as an American to say whatever he likes. It's called "freedom of speech" and the only thing it doesn't protect you from is PERSONAL taste. Imus has every right to say what he did and you have every right not to like it. However, you have no right to try and take away his livelihood because you don't agree with it.

2. I'll bet 90% of the people calling for his job today weren't even listening to his show when the comments were made. If he didn't need your support in the first place why should he or MSNBC care if they have it now?

3. The same people calling for his job are the very people who supported the Dixie Chicks last year and cheered when they won five Grammy Awards last month. The Chicks were slapped down and boycotted, threatened and almost lost their right to make a living because people didn't like something they said. You can debate the "level" but in the end it came down to people simply not liking what they said. Same thing, different day.

4. I heard a black sportswriter calling for the FCC to remove Imus from the air. For what? Did he curse? Say anything that violated FCC guidelines? No, he said something that offended you. The FCC doesn't have time to run around protecting people's feelings.

5. Al Sharpton is calling for Imus' job. Al Sharpton! One of the most corrupt people walking the planet. I'll tell you what Al, I will support your war on Imus as soon as you apologize to the Police officers in the Tawana Brawley case.

Saying you're sorry should work both ways.

6. As George Carlin once pointed out... "The Radio has TWO dials. One switches it off, the other changes the station!!!"

7. Imus is preaching to the choir every morning. In fact, his audience has increased by 33% during the past ratings period. His been saying this type of shit for YEARS and YEARS! People find it funny. Just because I'm not one of them doesn't mean I have the right to take away their chosen form of entertainment. No matter how disgusting I may find it. Again, personal taste.

8. I'm getting tired of the "leaders" in the black community that come out to condemn this type of speech while ignoring the current weeks hot rap cd. The one that came out using this exact same language against women of color. The black community in general needs to stop acting with "shock" and stop being "offended" every time a white person refers to them using language they LEARNED from black produced media. Hell, the first time I heard the "N" word just thrown around freely was on a NWA record when I was 12 years old. That word wasn't allowed in my house growing up. My mother wouldn't have it. The first time many white kids in these last two generations learned that language was when they bought a rap album, watched a stand up special, or watched a movie featuring it.

If I, as a white person, ran around selling and marketing records where I called every white man I saw a "honky" or white women "Cracker Ass, stringy-hair sluts" I wouldn't act "shocked" when it became a part of American pop culture. In fact, I would have only myself to blame.

9. I'm getting REALLY tired of white people finding this type of stuff funny! While the black community needs to do a better job representing themselves white people need to do a much better job just KNOWING better. This type of garbage is not funny. Those young women didn't deserve to be made fun of in that manner.

Ultimately, is it okay with me if Imus loses his job someday? Of course.

However, only when people make a choice to stop tuning in on their own. Not because some political group threatens his station or some black leader threatens the sponsors of the program. White men, the majority of his audience, need to step up and say "enough is enough"

In the end, all this backlash does is further prove we haven't come half as far as people like to believe we have in regards to race in this country. The fact that Imus has a huge following after years of this type of behavior only illustrates the point. Simply making it "go away" doesn't help solve the problems or work towards the solutions. We need people like Imus to serve wake up calls to those turning a blind eye to reality. He helps keep the conversation alive.

After all, simply choosing to pretend people like him don't exist doesn't make it so.

"How You Play The Game?"

2007-03-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

Participation trophies need to stop!

It's really enough with this stuff. Every kid who runs around on a field like a spastic dwarf doesn't automatically deserve an award for doing so.

When I was a kid a trophy meant something. It was an symbol of accomplishment. For being the best individual or a member of the best team. In other words, you needed to earn it! If you didn't earn it, that meant you just had to work harder the next time.

Striving to be the best at something is what it should be about. However, these days just participating is enough.

What does this say to the kid who stays later at practice? The one who works and works at being better and better?

It basically says.... "That's nice, but your work is as valuable as the kid who only comes to every third practice, doesn't improve, and acts as a drain on the entire team."

Screw that!

Children these days have no sense about the real world. The world they will have to enter one day after their parents cut the strings when they turn 30! In the real world just showing up isn't enough. It's what you do when you get there that counts. Telling children "You don't have to try to be the best, you just need to show up" is counter productive nonsense.

And I realize that every child isn't going to be a good athlete. Some of them just have no natural ability and that's okay. Not every kid needs to compete in sports to have a worthwhile existence. If they suck at sports buy them a paint brush. If they can't paint, get them and instrument. I don't care how many girls the Captain of the Football Team gets... The guy playing the guitar like Stevie Ray Vaughan will ALWAYS get more!

Period.

The point is, everybody has a talent for something. Music, arts, sports, science...

Continuing to "reward" children for just showing up and pushing them into sports that they'll never be good at isn't making you a better parent. It's making them resent you!

One day, they'll wake up and discover the world is a tough place and that they have no ability or skills to deal with it. That life isn't fair and no one cares if you show up at all. Not when there are ten people standing behind you ready to take your place.

Then they'll come to you, confused, and unsure of what happened. Just point to the participation trophies and smile.... Just like you do now.

Throwing Another One On The Pile?

2007-02-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

Seems people are losing their minds a little more every day in this country.

The latest example has to be the banning of the following...

"The Higher Power of Lucky", by Susan Patron, is being pulled out of schools and libraries all over the country because it contains a bad word.

Never mind it won the the Newbery Medal, the most prestigious award in children’s literature.

Never mind that!

It has a BAD word on the first page. One bad word on the first page!

What's this BAD word you ask? The one word that sentenced this book to be banned?

Are you ready? Please brace yourselves for the following filth....

"SCROTUM"

Scro-tum! The word "scrotum" has got librarians all hot and bothered.

Full story here

One of these twits went as far to say this....

“This book included what I call a Howard Stern-type shock treatment just to see how far they could push the envelope, but they didn’t have the children in mind.”

The woman who said that is a teacher... It's a wonder American children get dumber every year while the rest of the world soars by us in education. With grand thinkers like that leading the way!

It seems everyone is scared of a child asking the following...

Child: "What's a scrotum?"

To which the parent would have to tell the kid the following...

Parent: "It's part of a man's upper leg."

Or tell the truth.... Either way, big deal!

This one moment of lying to a child is worth banning an award winning piece of literature? People need to get over themselves!

If we want to protect children from a book why don't we start with the bible?

But I digress.....

I was thinking about this over the weekend and I came up with some questions I'd find harder to answer as a parent of an eight year old. All are quite possible these days.

1. Why are three different men claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby? I thought there's one mommy and one daddy?

2. What is war and why did Billy from up the street die in one?

3. Is there really a Santa Claus?

4. What happens when we die?

5. Why is Paris Hilton famous?

ALL of these would take longer than the scrotum answer. This is what we worry about these days in America.... Never mind the following

The war
Our incompetent President

Global Warming

The continuing non-rebuilding of New Orleans

Ongoing racism and homophobia

Our STILL unsecured borders and airports

Nope! Not important to these people to protect the children from any of that. If they can just keep them safe from the word "scrotum" everything will be all right in their tidy, insane worlds!

The best part of all of this is the fact there is another book in every school library in the country that contains the word scrotum. It's flying under the radar right now but soon it will find itself on the pile burning with the rest of the books we need to keep children safe from.

What is this filthy book?

Just yesterday, I heard Howard Stern reading from it on the air....

People I Can Do Without #16

2007-02-15T03:10:00.000-08:00

Tim Hardaway has got to be the dumbest man alive.

Dumber than Larry the Cable Guy.

Dumber than President Bush.

And even dumber than the people that say "no deal" when the bank offers more the 150 grand!

REALLY DUMB!

Want proof? Here's what he said in response to ex-basketball player John Amaechi admitting he was gay in his new book.

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States. First of all, I wouldn't want him on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would, you know, really distance myself from him because, uh, I don't think that's right. And you know I don't think he should be in the locker room while we're in the locker room. I wouldn't even be a part of that"

Now, for fun, re-read that entire passage and change the words "gay" to "Black" and "him" to "them"

What the hell is wrong with Tim Hardaway? Is he really that god damn stupid that he can't see the bigoted irony in that statement. 50 years ago another group was excluded and hated for no good reason because of the way they were born. That was all they did wrong.... They were born different. They weren't even allowed to make a living in the NBA as anything more than the janitor! Sweeping up after the white players were done....

Now they make up 80% of the league.

Short-term-memory, asshole!

I used to love watching Tim and the rest of his Heat teammates getting their asses kicked by the Knicks every playoff season. Now, looking back on it, I cherish the memories even more.

They say people that are homophobic are usually just gay people in denial.

I'm sure Tim Hardaway would disagree.....

People I Can Do Without #15

2007-02-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

Anna Nicole Smith's baby needs to get off my evening news! I don't care who her father is and I don't care who raises her!

She's worth more than most small nations. I can't spend one minute "concerned" about her well being.

"But Annoyed, she's only a baby"

So what?

"Her mom JUST died"

And that's sad. However, it's no more sad than the tens of thousands of children that lose their parents every year because of genocide and war throughout this world. Where's their damn news coverage?

Go Google "Children of Darfur" and tell me how many times you think of Anna Nicole's rich orphan while surfing those images.

And now we have the circus of paternity tests to look forward to while these schmucks battle for custody of her inheritance.... This kid would be better being an actual orphan than having a choice of these guys.

But again, I'm officially past "worry".... Get this kid off my television until she has her own reality show at 18.

Here's an idea of what she will look like then...

People I Can Do Without #14

2007-02-12T04:19:00.000-08:00

I've decided I fucking HATE John Mayer.

Truthfully, this has been building in me for some time. However, while watching the Grammy Awards tonight, my hatred finally boiled over.

Is there a more over-rated, over-hyped, over-celebrated musician alive than this asshole?

I liked him a lot better the first time around when we called him "Dave Matthews." He sounds like Dave, plays like Dave and even makes stupid faces like Dave.

The big exception being.... He's no Dave.

Dave Matthews has more talent in his left twitching foot than this asshole has in his whole body. I mean, did you catch the Grammy Performance? That solo he played was something my friend Paul played in our 6th grade talent show. Paul of course didn't make all sorts of "pained" expressions while doing it. Why? Cause it wasn't that hard of a solo! Nothing this guy does is "hard" or even all that creative. Just recycled crap.

To have Stevie Wonder introduce him as one of the "great young songwriters" was a joke!

But that's the problem with living in the 'American Idol' America. These days we're just told who's great and we nod our heads like sheep.

Why wasn't Stevie introducing Ryan Adams?

Now there's a strung out looking guy with some actual talent!

And while I'm hating on John.....

How does a guy that looks like this......

Get this.....

I suppose the same way a schmuck like this....

Gets a girl like this.....

Tryin' To Get The Feeling Again.....

2007-02-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

..... Back into my God-Damned fingers

I've been sitting in my apartment for three days, with a bunch of posts in my head, freezing my nuts off. Shivering next to the phone that refuses to ring to let me know what the hell is going on with my writing submission..... Just sitting here, staring at the phone while my testicles crawl slowly into my throat.

Why you ask?

Because there's no heat in my apartment. Oh, and it's really cold outside. Add those two things together and you have me.... A cold, pissed off guy with blue fingers.

The problem is, this apartment is really old. It's the second floor of a three family house and every window leaks cold air. None more than the kitchen window where the air just POURS into the house. To describe it terms you'd understand I've come up with this....

Niagara Falls.......

Now, turn the water into ten degree air and that's the scene as it pours into my kitchen.

Imagine how happy I am every month when we open a $400 PS&G bill..... I'm honestly thinking of buying a small stove and just burning dollar bills one at a time in my living room. I think it would be cheaper and I'd actually have some heat to show for it.

We did seal off the window last night and that seems to be working. The thermostat reads 64 today, up from 50 yesterday. My landlord stopped by to measure the window so he can replace it....

I assume, right in time for spring.

The next person who tells me about Global Warming is getting punched in the face.

Random Stuff

2007-01-25T18:04:00.000-08:00

Mostly because I'm tired of seeing that woman's face every time I open my blog.

It's been a busy, tiresome week. Mind numbing but exciting also.

Let's see.....

Random Thing #1

I went to my father's house and tried to teach him and my stepmother how to use the Ipod I gave them for Christmas. Trying to teach two people above the age of 50 to use an Ipod was like trying to teach monkeys how to read braille. The whole concept was/is beyond them. It took an hour but they seemed to grasp it when I left.

I got a call today from my father to inform me that he erased the entire Itunes library last night. I have no idea how.

Random Thing #2

Can someone tell me where I was in 1999?

Because it sure as shit wasn't in front of my Television to watch the most brilliant show EVER on the pains of growing up. How the hell did NBC dump "Freaks and Geeks" after 18 episodes?

"Maybe because no one, including you, watched it asshole?"

Fair enough! However, I should have watched it! Hell, EVERYONE should have been watching this show! You owe it to yourself to rent this show through Netflix or Blockbuster online. The writing is top notch. The acting is perfect. The stories hit close to home and are full of honesty and humor.

If I create a show one tenth this good someday I will consider my life a success.

And I've only seen six episodes so far..... Six episodes and I'm ready to say this was one of the best written television shows I've ever seen. It's really THAT good.

And since I know you are wondering what the rest of my list would be.

In no particular order.

NYPD Blue
Rescue Me
The Sopranos (Seasons 1, 2, 4 & 5)
The West Wing
Deadwood
Homicide
The Shield
The Larry Sanders Show
Cheers
The Simpsons
Arrested Development
Seinfeld
The Wonder Years
Fraiser
All in the Family

And that's all I've got off the top of my head.

Random Thing #3

My writing partner and I finally got a phone call to submit an episode idea to a major network for consideration. I spent the better part of the week on the phone doing last minute rewrites, talking to lawyers and haggling with the writers guild. I'll post more information as it becomes available. We're proud of it and it's honestly enough for me that they've agreed to even read it.

Well, that's it for now. Hope everyone is enjoying their weeks....

H2O? Oh No!

2007-01-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

This is Jennifer Strange.

Jennifer Strange is dead today. She died after taking part in a Radio Contest

The idea of the contest was to see who could drink the most water without having to use the bathroom. Of course, no one told the contestants that drinking that much water can actually kill you.

It's called Water Intoxication

It's usually associated with marathon runners and athletes. Not people taking part in Radio Contests.

When i first heard that a woman was killed taking part in a radio contest I assumed that it was a Fear Factor type stunt that involved a great deal of risk. I assumed there was a GRAND prize associated with the contest. Like a HUGE sum of money or a scholarship for the kids. Even a family vacation.... Anything of "value"

But, no! You know what the "grand" prize was in this contest?

A Nintendo Wii.... A video game system that retails, and is available at every store in America, for $249.

This is what someone drank enough water to kill themselves for!

Holy shit!

Of all the "dumb ways to die" I can think of, this is number one! And she didn't even win! She finished second!

Tombstone to read:

"Jennifer Strange: Failure to wee, cost her more than the wii"

How dumb!

Of course, this is America and some scumbag lawyer has convinced the family to sue the radio station. On what grounds, I'm not sure. She willingly drank the water. No one had a gun to her head. The Water contained nothing but water... No added anything. A woman made a clear CHOICE to drink that water and she died from it... End of story as far as I'm concerned.

The station should offer the family an out-of-court settlement in the amount of $249. No more, no less. After all, that seems to be the EXACT amount she valued her life at....

Anyone Got A Match?

2007-01-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

Every few months I have to hear about the confederate flag and the "controversy" surrounding it.

I suppose this week was the latest time because of Dr. King's birthday.

Every time this issue comes up I have to watch as some Southerner explains why the flag "means something" to them. See, this is where the issue lays.... With the fact that this rag actually carries meaning and causes a swelling of pride among some mutants in the South.

Here's a few things I know about this thing....

1. It was the flag of the Confederate Army.... You know, the one that LOST the war!

2. It represents slave owning people that had no respect for the true vision of America.

3. Those same people STILL have zero respect for what America's vision should be.

4. It was on top of the General Lee (The Dukes of Hazzard's car)

5. Larry the Cable Guy wears a hat with a patch of the thing on it.

I say, let it burn!

For no other reason than #5.

In fact, if you could burn it while the hat was still on his head that would be great!

Anyone who calls this a "pride" issue is an asshole. It's a racist issue that racist people care about. Sorta like slavery was before we kicked the asses of the scumbags swearing allegiance to this thing.

You want your own flag? Fine! Move to a remote island, enslave anyone living there and fly the Confederate Flag proudly! You can elect Larry the Cable Guy president and live happily ever after while banging your sister to the end of time.

Otherwise, take that rag down and get used to the fact you LOST the war. Defending a flag I wouldn't use to wipe my ass can't change that fact!

People I Can Do Without #13

2007-01-10T06:29:00.000-08:00

So is this the way it's going to be for the rest of my life? Every year the Baseball Hall of Fame votes its' new class in am I going to have to hear about Mark McGwire for days and days and days????

Let me be the last to say....

FUCK MARK MCGWIRE!

I hope he never gets into the Hall of Fame! And not for the reason you think. I for one could give a shit about the whole steroid issue. The fact is, and this may come as an utter shock to some people, Mark McGwire was not a great player!

In fact, I'll go as far as to say he sucked.

Any Hall of Fame should be reserved for the truly great and not the pretty good. It should be an award for an entire career of excellence and not a few good years.

Mark McGwire never hit for average. He never ran the bases well and he couldn't field for shit. Couldn't stay healthy and never won an MVP award. He was a power hitter in the age of power hitters. Big fucking deal.

In 1993 he actually begged out of the line up the final game of the season because he was afraid to go 0-4 and finish with a batting average under .200.

That's the stuff of Hall of Famers?

I don't fucking thing so!

His career stats are bloated because of the juiced years.... Again, I have no problem with taking roids. The fact is, no matter what the media tells you, steroids are not bad for you. They're just not. When taken in proper amounts by healthy, grown men, there is ZERO scientific research to support any claim of them leading to future health problems.

ZERO, zilch, nada!

I have the problem with the fact he wasn't a very good player before taking them. He played his final years against shitty pitching in small ass ballparks while juiced. Unlike Barry Bonds who had three MVP awards BEFORE 1995, and four after, McGwire was never the best player in the game.

For one summer he and Sammy Sosa smacked a bunch of balls out of a bunch of ball parks while people cheered and pretended not to know what was really going on....

For ONE summer.

Resolution Time

2007-01-08T02:29:00.000-08:00

Well, seven days gone into the new year and I've broken everyone of my resolutions. That's the way it goes I suppose.

Resolution #1

This was the year I was going to quit smoking. I still may but for now I'll just keep enjoying the flavor of cancer. Stupidest thing in the world to do. I know that. I also know life's not fair. That I have a friend in his early 30s battling for his life in a war against cancer. I'm 0% sure of what he did to deserve it. He's one of the more genuine people you'd ever want to meet. I am 100% sure it had nothing to do with smoking.

I'm also very aware of the state of the world right now. That I may get blown up any day driving through the Holland Tunnel on the way to work. I don't lose sleep over it, I just accept that there are people in the world who want my American ass dead for no "good" reason. I'd hate for that to be the day AFTER I stopped smoking.

And then there's my kids.... The one's I don't have yet. I'd like to see them have their own some day. I'm fairly certain that won't happen if I don't stop smoking. It's a balance between being optimistic and pessimistic. A dreamer and a realist.

Maybe I'll find that balance this year.... In between giant bouts of vertigo.

Resolution #2

This is the year I was going to start eating right and exercising. Well, 9,000 calories a day later, I'm heavier than I've ever been. I'm still far from being a complete fat bastard but I can see the future and it looks dim in my massive shadow.

I belong to a gym.... Doesn't everyone? I got smart last year and joined one for $15 a month. At least I can say "I belong to a gym" and not be going broke paying for the line of shit. Guilt is lessened by the size of the bill sometimes.

Resolution # 3 I was going to become a Republican this year. After all, liberals are so wimpy and full of it. In my 30 years thinking liberal nothing has changed for the better. NOTHING!

However, until the Republicans get their shit together and kick the Christian Conservatives out of their party I will be forever pulling the lever on the left. The Christian Right has ruined the Republican party and in turn have done more damage to this country than any terrorist could do with 30 planes.

Yeah, I said it.... deal with it.

Conservatives preach limited spending, staying out of people's personal affairs, and empowering people without government interference.

Those are ideas I can get behind. Ideas I WANT to get behind.

However, the MINORITY that is the Christian Right has made people's personal lives the entire focus of debate. They want to tell a woman what she can do with her body and they want to tell gay people that the way they were born is a "life style choice" and that it's wrong.

Hypocrites!

Note to the Republicans..... If you want to NEVER lose another election find moderate Republicans to run. Support a women's right to choose and a man's right to put his dick anywhere he wants when he's with a consenting adult. Kick the Christian Right out and force them to start their own political party. Most Americans, men and women, would vote for the republican ideal if you actually start representing it!

Resolution #4

This was the year I was going to accept Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior.

After, all I was told around Christmas time that failure to do so would cause me to go to hell when I die.

Well, I changed my mind.

First of all expecting Jesus to be your "Personal" anything is presumptuous. Jesus doesn't have time to deal with everyone's personal shit. That's why it's your PERSONAL shit! Keep it to yourself!

Jesus doesn't need to know you're sorry for staring at your neighbor's daughter and thinking dirty thoughts. You're sorry? Fine! Move on and get past it.... Jesus doesn't care. He's a guy so he gets it! He's been there and now he's in Heaven. There is room for your ass too!

Second, not only does he NOT have to time to be your "personal" Lord he certainly doesn't have time to "save" you as well. Save yourself!

Most of these "born again" assholes did worse things, in one 10 year stretch, than ten people combined could cram into a single lifetime. You really think "accepting Jesus" gets you a free pass over someone who hasn't blown a guy in a crackhouse bathroom while having withdrawals from the heroin they robbed their grandmother to buy?

Get over yourself, you self-righteous prick! If Heaven lets you in and keeps people like me out then there's something wrong with the whole system!

Resolution #5

This was the year I was going to start watching shows like The Apprentice, Survivor, and American Idol.

Then I remembered the same people that watch these shows turned their backs on Deadwood, Homicide and Arrested Development.... and ignore shows like The Shield and Rescue Me.

I'll stick with my DVDs again this year and hope the rest of America wakes up to good storytelling and acting. Then again, forget them! Their on their own.

When your idea of a 'reality' features Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson judging "talent" or a group of pretentious women backstabbing each other for the right to marry some rich dick, or worse yet, Flavor Flav.... then you are beyond saving. And certainly beyond actually speaking to!

Resolution #6

This is more of a promise.... one I intend to keep.

I promise that I will be brutally honest on this blog this year. I spent last year censoring myself quite a bit. See, I'm fond of all of my readers. I appreciate you all. However, I actually haven't written stuff I knew would "hurt" some of you. After the Rusty, Nascar thing I started to be more aware of what I wrote and it's affect on people.

Some would argue that was a good thing and maybe it was but I can't do that anymore.

So, if I offend anyone, it isn't on purpose..... Just being me. You can choose not to read. However, I hope you opt for the alternative and fire back at me. Hit me with your best shot and let's engage in some actual debate this year. Not name calling and insults but some good ole' honest, intelligent debate!

Life's too short to keep it to yourself.

I hope you join me in the coming year for the discussion.

The Holiday Hangover

2007-01-07T17:35:00.000-08:00

Jesus,

I STILL haven't recovered from the holidays.

Just brutal this year. I'll be posting something new soon. Hope everyone is well. Looking forward to catching up on your blogging this week.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

Annoyed Saves Christmas

2006-12-18T22:32:00.000-08:00

Hotwire wrote a wonderful post defending Christmas trees

With respect to his views, which I ALWAYS appreciate and learn from, I feel compelled to ask one thing of ALL Christians who get "mad" every holiday season.....

What's the big deal with the damn trees?

Christian people will all at once yell about being allowed to display the tree. Then, in the next breath, will always be quick to point out it's not a religious symbol.

????

Then what's the point? What's all the fuse about?

I have a simple solution to all of this.... Since Christmas trees are "bad"... as are paintings of a fat guy in a red suit with a bunch of flying deer... why not come up with some alternate "symbols" to display? After all, they aren't religious so it wouldn't be blasphemous to do so....

All the Christians of the world can pass a note in church this weekend and email each other and generally keep it a secret amongst themselves. That way, when people of other religions see the symbol, they won't know it represents Christmas and can't bitch, moan and worst of all sue anyone this holiday season.

If we are all in agreement, let us vote.

Alternate symbol #1

Scarlett Johansson!

Her photo is EVERYWHERE! She's on the Internet, on every magazine cover in every supermarket and best of all she's super hot!

Guys, you can stare at her all you want and when your girl gets mad at you just say, "Baby, it's only a symbol.... When I look at her I'm thinking of God"

Which, is about 75% true in my case anyway.

Alternate Symbol #2

President George Bush!

Now, this may anger some people.... However, it's a perfect choice. His image already appears in most post offices, banks, and public libraries!

He can also be found on bumper stickers, the Internet and many magazine and newspaper covers almost every day. Again people, we are dealing with a "symbol" of Christmas.

This is also good because many of the people who call talk radio screaming about the "assault on Christmas" voted for him!

Alternate Symbol #3

The Menorah!

Now, this would be genius! Start putting these up EVERYWHERE! Jewish people will be happy because their side is getting a shout out and Christians would have a symbol no one would ever suspect!

Plus a tree dies... These things just need new candles every eight days! Leave em up year round and wink and smile at each other in August.

Point and say.... "Looks like Christmas came early this year"

What they don't know can't hurt 'em!

Viewer Mail #2

2006-12-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

This one is from March. I asked for a question....he gave me a "few"!

i have a few questions.

1) Who is your favorite sports team..and least favorite?

I'm a NY Jets fan. Sad but true. I suppose they would have to be my "favorite" I was a rabid NY Knicks fan growing up. Insane! I watched every game and lived and died with them. The day they traded Patrick Ewing I said "Fuck You" and that was it. Everyone in New York was calling radio stations and going on TV to say how much better they were going to be without Ewing. I told anyone that would listen that they wouldn't make the playoffs for years. And now, years later they STILL haven't won a playoff game since he left town.... Much better indeed.

My least favorite is the Red Sox. I root for the Yanks but I don't lose sleep if they win or lose. However, the Sox fans were such babies when the Yankees got Arod that I just couldn't handle it anymore. In fact, it was Ben Affleck that did it.... He was on television, WHINING about it at some Nascar event. I said to myself "If Ben Affleck routs for the Sox then I FUCKING HATE THEM!!!!" And that was it.... Blame Ben.

2) What is your dream car?

I'm not a car guy. Couldn't tell you the difference between a piston and a johnson rod.

However..... This has always caught my eye.

3) You can cure cancer or AIDS in one swoop..but only one..which one?

This is a tough one.... The answer is Cancer. The reason may get me flamed a bit.

Many members of my family have died of Cancer and many women in my family are living with the threat of Breast Cancer.

I've watched Cancer take so many healthy people over the years it doesn't seem fair. However, most people living with HIV in this country are doing so because of poor decision making.

Unprotected sex and drug use are the reasons people contract HIV. Blood transfusions aren't really a third reason anymore with all of the advanced screenings. If someone gets HIV tomorrow it's because they made a bad decision the night before.

Granted, there are thousands of children all over the world living with HIV that did nothing to to deserve it. Their parents made a bad choice..... for them my heart truly aches.

HIV could be snuffed out with education and information. If the religious people would have gotten the fuck out of the way we would be much further along already in my opinion.

Also, with the advance science now, people are living 20+ years with HIV..... In ten years it will be 30-40+ years. No one with active Cancer is living 10+ years. You contract HIV tomorrow no one is giving you six months to live.

4) You see a penny on the ground do you pick it up?

Honestly, I'm so out of shape, I very well may throw my back out bending over like that.... So, no.

5) You are on death row..you get a final meal..it can be appetizer(s) to desert..what is your final meal?

Get me a big plate of authentic Buffalo Wings, a Porterhouse Steak from Peter Lugers in Brooklyn, cooked medium rare, and a pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream. Oh, and a keg of Guiness to wash it all down!

6) You can interview 1 dead person for 10 minutes..who do you bring back and why?

Jesus is the obvious answer here I suppose. Just so I could throw my arms up and say..."Jesus Christ, look at the shape of the world" and not be expected to be in confession next week.

However, not going obvious..... Man, this is tough! Most of my heros are still alive!

All right, my father's father.... He died 14 years before I was born. Might be a conversation worth having.

7) Paper or Plastic?

I should say paper but honestly I always go with the plastic.... Handles baby! Those handle on the paper bags break every time you put more than 10 pounds of groceries in them.

I use the plastic bags to clean the liter box with so I do recycle... Right before I throw them in the garbage.

8) In your opinion..where do you go when you die?

Man, I want to believe there's a heaven, I really do, but none of the religions make any actual sense. Faith is a wonderful thing except when, in order to have it, you have to betray every intelligent thought in your mind.

Two hundred years ago, before the age of science, I would have said Heaven..... Today, right now, I have to say under six feet of dirt..... Period. And trust me when I say I HATE thinking that. It keeps me up nights.

9) You win a massive lottery amount..what are the first TWO things you do...be honest!!

1. I buy my mother a house and pay off every mortgage any of my friends and family are paying on their homes.

2. I throw a huge wedding and plan a trip around the world for my honeymoon. Every major city on every continent.... Ending in the islands somewhere where I buy a house and a hammock and eat and swing in that hammock until the day I explode!

10) If you could change one thing about blogging what would it be?

Don't know about in general but what I would change about Blogger would be....

That it wasn't free. If people had to pay for the service you would get less crappy writing I think.
Even $2.95 a month would take out 75% of the people on these things. I love my link list but it's taken over a year to compile a list of 20 people worth reading.... In a landscape of millions more than 1% should be worth a shit....

$2.95 a month would fix that.... The others could go to MySpace and make "friends"

Viewer Mail #1

2006-12-13T20:56:00.000-08:00

First one is from Fresh Air Lover, which seems fair...

What album has most affected you personally and why?

And another.....

If you had to take 5 books with you to a deserted island for one year and they were the only entertainment you were allowed to have, which ones would you pick and why?

As far as albums go I would have to narrow it down to two.

The first one is The Rising by Bruce Springsteen. The reason(s) why have been posted Here

To many to type again.

The second would have to be this....

I wouldn't have made it through my early 20s without it. I had a long string of bad relationships and obscene amounts of depression to go along with it. This album made it a bit better knowing their was someone else that could relate.

NPR radio, from Fordam University in NYC, had a top 90 essential album poll a couple of months back and this one finished in the upper half of the list. When you voted you could give a sentence or two about why you were voting for a particular album. One woman who voted said it best... "I may have out grown this album but I could never have survived growing up without it"

My thought exactly.

As to the second part of the question....

I'm not a big reader of books. I mostly gravitate towards non-fiction magazine stuff or articles off the internet. Quick hits of info. However, I can pick five I would take the following...

1. The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World - A.J. Jacobs

2. The Complete Works of Shakespeare

3. The Complete World of Greek Mythology - Richard Buxton

4. The Bible

5. Lyrics 1962 - 2001 - Bob Dylan

Those should keep me busy!

Keep those qustions coming! (if you choose)

Ask Annoyed

2006-12-13T17:54:00.000-08:00

With apoligies to Deb I'm being a bit lazy. My brain hurts from all this "thinking for myself" shit.

Then again, I have a bunch of new readers these days and I just know there's shit they are dying to ask me. (Then again, maybe not)

So fire away! (if you choose)

The best questions will become brand new posts. The other questions will be ignored and scoffed at to Rosie

I Don't Have A Hernia!

2006-12-11T12:27:00.000-08:00

You may remember a few posts back I told that I had been diagnosed with a hernia. This was great news as you recall because it meant I didn't have cock cancer...

Coming back to you? Good.

Friday afternoon I go see a specialist that performs these surgeries on a regular basis to get looked at and to schedule my surgery. He comes to the conclusion that I DO NOT HAVE A HERNIA!

(Seems my regular doctor misdiagnosed the problem!)

What the fuck?

The specialist determines this by sticking his fingers under my pelvic bone and pushing up with all his might while asking me to cough. "Come on, cough like you mean it!" he tells me!

Now this was difficult to do while biting my hand in pain by I try to give a good cough.

"Come on, really cough"

Here's the scene.... My pants are around my knees, with my junk in the wind. This quack is sitting eye level with my cock, his fingers touching my pelvic bone, yelling "Like you mean it"

Now I started coughing so hard I actually start wheezing!

Anyone standing outside the door would have assumed there was some geriatric porno being filmed inside.

This ends and he says, "I don't feel a hernia."

"Let me check the other side"

Replay scene.

Again, no hernia. He suspects I strained a muscle or pinched a nerve and with rest and a miracle drug I could be as good as new in 3 or 4 weeks.

The miracle drug....

Motrin!

FUCKING MOTRIN!

Three times a day for four weeks and I should be as good as new. Meanwhile, I haven't been to the gym in months because I was told I had a hernia! I'm a fat fuck right now. Soon to be a fat fuck with a bleeding stomach.

Cruel, cruel irony.

And just to be sure I asked this doctor, "No chance it could be cock cancer?"

"No!" he says, and he's not amused.

Jeez, what is the world coming to when you can't kid about cancer with a doctor?

Coughing like I mean it.......

Last Minute Gift Idea

2006-12-06T17:44:00.000-08:00

If anyone needs a gift for the person who has everything I'm pretty sure this will do.

Since It's Almost 2007.... Redux

2006-12-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

Every time I go for a drive I see this sticker...I REALLY think it's time to peel this sticker off of your car.

I mean, what exactly are you trying say?

"We won"?

What did we win? I mean, I usually see this sticker on a '95 Dodge so I know the driver didn't benefit from those tax cuts. What did "we" win?

1. Better health care for all?

2. Better education for the kids?

3. Better security at our airports and borders?

4. A separation of church and state?

5. A ban on assault weapons.

6. Equal rights for all?

7. A clean environment?

NO!

"We" won nothing! Leaving that sticker on your car says more about you than the person it represents!

What it SCREAMS is... "I can't admit a mistake. I was a scared like little girl in '04 when Karl Rove convinced me the boggie man was real and if I didn't vote for "W" he would come out of my closet and blow up a local post office in Montana."

"I love my gun but HATE gay people"

Continuing to show support for George Bush isn't a way to show you have "guts." It's just a clear sign of why this country is headed into the toilet with people like you jiggling the handle!

"Well, I'm a conservative"

That's nice... Now go find a sticker that represents a conservative to put on your car! You know, someone who believed in people's rights to privacy and limited government spending.

Of course being a Republican you may look funny with this sticker on your car....

http://www.perkel.com/politics/clinton/repub.htm

How I Spent My Friday Night

2006-12-03T12:18:00.000-08:00

So my old neighbor calls me up and asks me to work security for his daughter's sweet 16 party. And by "security" he wants me to make sure none of the little bastards are drinking or smoking pot in the bathroom.

Now, this goes against everything I believe in...

1. I'm no narc!

2. Trying to sneak drinks is what kids are supposed to do at these things!

3. If I actually walk in on some 16 year olds smoking pot in the bathroom I'm just gonna take a hit and walk out!

So, I tell him "I don't know, I just think..."

He offers me $200 cash to do it.

"I'm your guy!"

I get to this thing and it's not even a challenge. Within five minutes I know exactly who's drunk and tell my old neighbor.

"Well, are they driving?" he asks. I tell him they aren't and then he doesn't even give a shit! Could care less. I figure out that I'm just there so if one of these kids starts throwing up in the back seat of their parent's Lexus on the way home he can say "I had a guy...." And remove himself from all blame.

So, at this point I tell the kids.... "Do what you want, just don't do it in front of me." They understand and that was that.

I spent the rest of the night changing the world...One young life at a time.

Conversation #1

With my neighbor's daughter's boyfriend who I have met before.

Annoyed: So, you still thinking about going into the Army?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Annoyed: Why in the fuck would you do that?

Boyfriend: Well, it's either that or County College.

Annoyed: You do realize we're in a war right now? A war that you WILL be sent to fight in!

Boyfriend: Yeah, it's just that I don't have many choices.

Annoyed: Well, if you get killed in Iraq you won't have ANY more choices. You'll just be fucking dead!

Boyfriend: Yeah

At the end of the night he told me he's going to visit the County College this week and will not be joining the Army!

Mission accomplished!

Conversation #2

Teenage Girl: I got the alphabet on my report card! A,B,C,D and E!

Annoyed: What'd ya fail?

Teenage Girl: What?

Annoyed: What did you get the E in?

Teenage Girl: Geometry

Annoyed: Cool! And the D?

Teenage Girl: Biology.

Annoyed: Awesome! So what the hell did you get the A in?

Teenage Girl: Television Production.

She hangs her head a bit while telling me this.

Annoyed: Excellent! Let me tell you something.... Math and Science are bullshit! You really want to make a lot of money someday stick with TV! Entertaining America pays better than curing its' diseases and solving its' equations. Trust me.

She smiles and says "thanks"

I should have been a guidance counselor.

Since It's Almost 2007

2006-11-28T02:29:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's time for people to start pealing their 2004, presidential stickers off of their cars! Every time I go for a drive I see this sticker...

I get it, what you are trying to say, without actually saying it is...

"We told you so"
"I didn't vote for Bush"
"Don't blame me"

"WE TOLD YOU SO"

Excuse me, but kiss my ass! What that sticker actually says is...

"I voted for a limp dicked moron who couldn't beat the worst president in history!"

PERIOD!

Jimmy Carter could have beat Bush in '04.... JIMMY CARTER!!!!

But John Kerry couldn't. Couldn't do it. He tried and he FAILED! Peel that sticker off you car.

How many "Buffalo Bills, World Champion" stickers have you seen lately?

None, that's how many. Why? Cause they lost... You back your horse and when your horse comes up short you put it out to stud... Unless it's a limp dick like John Kerry, then you just shoot it!

You under no circumstance let it RUN AGAIN????

What is this?

Are you kidding me?

There are actually people buying these stickers and placing them on their cars.

I'm gonna get me a "New York Knicks, World Champions '07" sticker and place it right on my bumper. And when people ask me what the hell I'm thinking, I'll just say... "I'm a Democrat"

And they'll understand.

Code of Silence

2006-11-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

Apparently 41 shots into an unarmed man isn't enough in New York City anymore... Nope, these days it takes a cool 50!

That's right... 50 shots into an UNARMED man.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-11-25-police-shooting_x.htm

Now we have to deal with Al Sharpton marching in the streets!

GOD DAMN IT!

Thanks a lot NYPD!

The sad thing is no one is really shocked by this... It's just another case. Then again, why should anyone be surprised?

Garbage in.... Garbage out.

Why does anyone want to be a cop? I've come up with two answers.

1. Good people who want to make a difference in people's every day lives. These are the cops like my cousin and my girlfriend's friend "chicken"

These people make up about 20% of the police force.

2. Assholes, who have ALWAYS been assholes who's father's and classmates kicked the shit out of them growing up. People who always felt "disrespected" and not "taken seriously." Guys who couldn't get laid in a whore house and women that hate men.

These are the other 80%

These assholes figure "I'll get a badge and a GUN, and then people will have to take me seriously!"

IS it any wonder they fucking shot people? UNARMED people!

Think about the biggest asshole you knew in High School. The guy everyone hated...

This guy is now carrying a gun!

Meanwhile, the police department are "investigating" to see if it was a "good" shoot!

50 good ones?

Ducking for cover....

Folding to King George

2006-10-17T22:03:00.000-07:00

Okay,

I work a lot of LONG hours. Sometimes 17 or 18 hour days back to back. I come home at four in the morning and want to unwind before going to bed. I can't really watch TV because it disturbs the woman I sleep next to. I prefer to sit down, check my email and play a little online poker.

I put up my $5 or $10 and play for an hour. I lose about $50 every 6-8 weeks and this is my hobby. Something I enjoy doing to kill a little time. I'm not hurting anyone and I can afford my loses.

That was until this last week when the cocksucker we call President decided to pass a fucking law that no longer allows me to do so! He attached it to a port security bill. (A bill that is about five years overdue....but that's a different post)

www.iht.com/articles/ap/2006/10/13/america/NA_GEN_US_Bush.php

So I can no longer sit down with my friends and play a low stakes game of poker on line.

This is so far beyond fucking dumb it's actually a new level of stupidity... Even for THIS President.

To show how stupid this is, here is a list of things I can do legally right now.

1. I can buy cigarettes, chewing tobacco, snuff and other cancer causing products that will harm you via second hand smoke and insurance premium hikes when I wind up in the hospital someday.

2. I can buy an assault riffle! I can buy bullets for that gun! I wonder if those girls in Amish country would have said yes to guns and no to online poker?

3. I can buy any and all sorts of beer and Vodka. I can then drink that and drive head on into a family of four!

4. I can join NAMBLA! AKA, "North American Man/Boy Love Association" This is group that preaches "love" between grown men and young boys. I can go to their website and legally sign up for their news bulletin!

5. I can get a shotgun, load it with bird pellet, and shot my good friend in the face! Because I want to be Vice President someday!

However, I can not play online poker!

What the fuck?

Bush won't comment on this part of the bill. He chooses only to dwell on the port security issues. With the elections coming it's business as usual for these assholes. "Let's scare the shit out of people so they vote for us! Oh, and don't mention the fact we ignored the port security thing since 9/11.... Terrorism, BOO!"

"Oh, and I head Osama likes to ante up online so we need to shut that down too"

??????????????????????????

Eventually, Bush will come out and say he did this to "protect the children"

BULLSHIT!

Maybe he should have legalized it, taxed it and used to money to clean up the air quality in this country. We could have used it to get power plants to upgrade their filters and sweepers to EPA recommended levels.

Check this article out....

http://www.nrdc.org/air/pollution/qbushplan.asp

It's legal for these companies to poison our children. But I can't sit in my underwear, in the privacy of my own home, and play online poker.

There's something seriously wrong with our priorities in this country folks.

Anyone seen Pete?

2006-10-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

Seriously,

I've been to THREE different, large liquor stores this weekend and can not find Pete's Wicked, October Fest!

If anyone sees a six pack please grab it for me.

Every time I ask the clerk says "sorry, we're sold out of that. But we do have the Sam Adams version"

It takes all the restraint I have not to ask them to show it to me and then immediately SLAM the bottle upside their head.

I hate that shit. Don't suggest alternatives! I asked for a specific brand of something! It's like being in the shoe department of Macy's, handing a BLACK shoe to the salesman, asking for it in a size 12 and having him return with it in BROWN! Or my favorite, a different shoe entirely.... In a size 11 and they tell me it runs a "bit big"

Let me try it on!

Oh, and bend over....

I want to show you something

A New Post

2006-10-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long...

I have to say thank you to everyone for continuing to check in to see if I've been posting. I'm in the process of trying to find a smaller laptop to carry back and forth to work. Hopefully when that's done I can start posting on a regular basis again.

The one I bought last year is just too damn big to carry back and forth every day.

Anyway..... Here's some stuff that has been on my mind!

1. What the hell happened to Rusty? She was here, then in England and now somewhere in the south "teaching" which I'm fairly certain is code for "joined a pit crew"

Today, I noticed she commented on some old posts of mine which brought a smile to my face... I thought I'd lost her!

2. What the hell happen to Lou Diamond Phillips? He was in every other film in the late 80's and now he's gone! Last I heard, his wife left him for Melissa Ethridge and then got knocked up by David Crosby.

Hmm..... Maybe he killed himself.

3. Yankee fans are a bunch of whining cocksuckers! A bunch of spoiled babies that need their diapers changed! They are trying to run the greatest player in baseball out of town on a rail. To listen to these assholes whine you'd think Arod made all 54 outs the last two games.

Hey Yankee fans! Shut the fuck up.... You're embarrassing yourselves.

UPDATE!!!!

apparently I am not alone in my feelings on this subject. BRILLIANT article here...

(you'll need to C&P this) http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=caple/061009

4. My better half's surgery - Never have I felt more useless in my entire life. Honestly, she's been through a lot and all I can do is hold her hand and say "it'll be all right" Which makes me useful as a port hole on a submarine!

When I first got to the hospital the day after the surgery I nearly passed out. She was all beat up looking and there was blood I.V. running. Every few minutes the nurse came in the check on the "blood flow" and starting squeezing the bag and flicking the drip with her finger. Honestly, my fiancee is a lot braver than I could ever be.... Fuck, a splinter sends me into a panic attack.

5. My Ipod shit the bed AGAIN! For those of you keeping score this is my third dead Ipod! They are sending me a NEW 30 gig this week. If it makes it until Christmas I'll be a happy guy.

6. Direct TV has the WORST costumer service history. For those of you thinking of leaving your local cable company for Direct TV.... Don't!

Unless you are a big football fan, as I am, and want 9 games a week in HD there is no reason to switch. Just call your local cable company and tell them you are leaving to go to Direct TV. They will offer to knock your bill down at least $30 a month. Trust me... it will work.

7. My writing partner and I have completed a treatment for Law & Order; Criminal Intent. It's awesome and better than 90% of the scripts they have ever done. Now, if I only had a connection over there..... WAIT A MINUTE! I fucking work there!

The producers have been jerking me around for weeks and I'm getting good and pissed off about it. Pretty soon I'm gonna tie it to a brick and throw through the window of the production office.

8. I drove Liza Manelli last week. I can't tell the story yet but will in time. I will say this.... The whole experience ended with her puckered up and telling me "kiss me"

Stayed tuned for that!

That's it for now. I will try and update this more often and thanks for stopping by! I haven't been posting comments on your blogs but I have been lurking. You guys are sooooo fucking talented it really floors me sometimes!

Annoyed

I've Got A Hernia!

2006-09-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

Along with getting engaged, my girlfriend's surgery (excuse me, fiancee.... Still have to get used to that) maybe having to move, and working 90+ hours a week I now have a hernia!

Yippee!!!!

It's actually good news but still...

Good news because I didn't know what it was for sure. I had it narrowed down to three things is COULD be.

1. A Hernia

2. A stress fracture in my pelvic bone

3. Cancer of the cock

So, with three things you can see why #1 is the good news

A stress fracture would require 4-6 months of bed rest and cancer of the cock would require suicide.

Can you imagine? There are few things I consider worse than death. Cancer of the cock is top of the list!

Anyway, the doctor gave me the news and I called my fiancee and told her. I get to her mother's house and her grandmother opens the door and yells

"Such good news, I'm happy for you"

I think to myself... "Hey grandma, I HAVE a fucking hernia"

This has to be the worst "good" news in history.

Anyway, the doctor said I'll be fine until the holidays when my job ends and can do the surgery then. It's way too much money to take time off now and he understood that.

He tells me not to do anything that aggravates it which was great advice considering the ONLY thing that REALLY aggravates it is the exact thing I do for a living right now.... Drive!

Oh well, "good" with the bad I suppose...

A Look Back... With Thanks!

2006-09-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy day for me. I haven't had too much time to reflect on the date.... However, now that I sit here and think about it it's all rushing back.

I don't have the energy to write about it. At least, not again.

Below is a post I wrote many months ago. I think it fits today. Excuse me for my laziness but I don't think I could write it better today than back in January.

I think this post would be better suited for "Forgotten Disc Friday" but four years removed isn't quite long enough to be a "forgotten" disc. I wrote the following for a Springsteen board and thought I'd share it here. It's painfully obvious to anyone who reads this blog that I have quite an obsession with Bruce Springsteen's music. I think this post will go a little way towards explaining why.... Some of my friends still question it sometimes.

I guess what it comes down to is THIS album....

"The Rising" was/is one of the defining moments of my life in terms of being a fan of music. It goes a long way towards explaining why music is so important in general... the power it can have in everyone's life. I think anyone who has a place for music as an essential part of life has one or two of these records.

This is mine,

Annoyed

It's all at once amazing and sad that it's been almost four years since that album came out. I still turn to it and take great solace in it even today.I remember before it came out I was a bit lost in the aftermath of 9/11.

Living here in NJ, only 20 miles from NYC, was different than living in the middle of the country or the West Coast. Not saying those people weren't dealing with it but it wasn't the same... It just couldn't be. Up to that point, no artist had tackled the real issues of that day. Sure you had some country artist and southern rock bands talking about the "red, white & blue" and about "sticking a foot up someone's ass" but that was just gut reaction stuff and seemed very trite and silly to me.

I put this album on and after a listen I said to myself "Jesus, Bruce GETS it!"

I mean, he just really got it! It wasn't revenge that was important it was understanding.

Understanding what was important in our views of family, love, forgiveness, FAITH, community and loss. It was understanding how to TRY and come to terms with those things that really keep us going. It was the first album Bruce put out after I became a big fan in the summer of '99. All at once, my faith in him as an artist was rewarded and justified!

Not all the songs were written in direct response to 9/11. Some were in the can well before that day. However, that never seemed to matter to me. There was a reason they were held back and maybe fate just dictated that this was the time to let go of them. This was a perfect example of the whole outweighing the sum of its' parts. I wouldn't remove a single song from "The Rising" Not a single one. It is a perfect blend of sadness and hope. Much like life itself.

1) Lonesome Day - Is just as relevant today as it was then...If not more so.

"Better ask questions before you shoot
Deceit and betrayals bitter fruit
It's hard to swallow, come time to pay
That taste on your tongue don't easily slip away

Let kingdom come I'm gonna find my way
Through this lonesome day"

Amen!

2) Into the Fire - Many people have said this is a weak song. It's the most simplistic of all the songs on the record but that was always the point for me. The people the song is honoring, the FDNY, have a pretty straight forward job. They run into burning buildings while everyone is running out. The simple refrain of

"May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love"

is really stated perfectly. What else is there to say really? Other than.....

"Thank you"

3) Waiting on a Sunny Day - That's all we did in the NY area for a long time after 9/11. "It's raining bit there ain't a cloud in the sky....everything will be okay" "Don't worry we're gonna find a way" Hope, hope, hope!

4) Nothing Man - That's what those 3,000 people became. Unknown faces and lives lost. You felt for everyone of them. If you were actually lucky enough not to know anyone personally you took solace in that while never losing sight of other's extreme and very real loss. This song gives a voice to all the "unknown" of that day.

5) Counting on a Miracle - The most underrated track on the album, IMO. It was never as good live as it here which is usually the reverse.... Again, loss and faith. The character in the song is talking about losing the love of his life and finding the strength to go forward.

"We've got no fairytale ending
In God's hands our fate is complete
Your heaven's here in my heart
Our love's this dust beneath my feet
Just this dust beneath my feet

If I'm gonna live
I'll life my life
Darlin' to you"

One of the least talked about set of lyrics in Bruce's entire catalogue.

6) Empty Sky - Again... Revenge, loss, love, faith.... It's all here.

"I woke up this morning
I could barely breathe
Just an empty impression
In the bed where you used to be
I want a kiss from your lips
I want an eye for an eye
I woke up this morning to the empty sky"

7) World's Apart - The most challenging song on the record. It talks again about love and loss and it's theme and lyrics fit like a glove here.

"Sometimes the truth just ain't enough
Or is it too much in times like this
Let's throw the truth away we'll find it in this kiss
In your skin upon my skin in the beating of our hearts
May the living let us in before the dead tear us apart"

8) Let's Be Friends - The ugly duckling of the record. I think most people never took to this one because Bruce never figured out to make it work in concert. A perfect summer barbecue song. Again, there are lives to be lead after great loss. This one is about taking a shot and trying to be happy! After all, life's too short to live with "what if"

9) Further On Up The Road - Written before 9/11 this tune found a nice home here. Theme wise, it fits well and provides a nice "rocker" to go along with "Lonesome Day"

"Now I been out in the desert, just doin' my time
Searchin' through the dust, lookin' for a sign
If there's a light up ahead well brother I don't know
But I got this fever burnin' in my soul
So let's take the good times as they go
And I'll meet you further on up the road"

Heaven or earth? Depends on the person I suppose. Either way, it's about faith.

10) The Fuse - Another "better on the album than live" track for me. Is about lust or revenge? Maybe both. The character in the song is dealing with some sort of loss and a fire building up inside of him. Where does he turn with it?

"Tell me Baby who do you trust?"

11) Mary's Place - Another "less favorite" tune among fans. It was overkill live.... At it's core it's about loss and about getting on with it afterwards. A tune that encourages celebration of life instead of dwelling on death.

I had a friend who's mother died of cancer a couple of years after this record came out. She was too young to go and she suffered for years and years with the whole ordeal. It really took her slowly. Anyway, I saw her quite a bit in the year leading up to her death and she never asked for anyone's pity. She was always quicker to ask and care how you were doing than have you worry one second about her. She was one the most genuine and wonderful people I ever met with a heart the size of Texas. When she passed she left words to her children to celebrate life and keep going. To love one another and remember the good times! As a coincidence her name was Mary.... This one always makes me smile...

"My heart's dark but it's risin'
I'm pullin' all the faith I can see
From that black hole on the horizon
I hear your voice calling me

Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain
Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain, let it rain"

12. You're Missing - This one is the KILLER! Really, really sad. Bruce's solo performance at SNL really nailed it! I picture the widow's of 9/11 every time I hear this one. It's beauty is it's simple presentation. It's respectful tribute to love lost and the reality of the family needing to go on without...

"Morning is morning, the evening falls I have
Too much room in my bed, too many phone calls
How's everything, everything?
Everything, everything

You're missing, you're missing"

13. The Rising - One of the greatest songs Bruce ever wrote, period! Lyrically it's PERFECT. In fact, the entire album can be summed up in the following...

"I see you Mary in the garden
In the garden of a thousand sighs
There's holy pictures of our children
Dancin' in a sky filled with light
May I feel your arms around me
May I feel your blood mix with mine
A dream of life comes to me
Like a catfish dancin' on the end of the line

Sky of blackness and sorrow ( a dream of life)
Sky of love, sky of tears (a dream of life)
Sky of glory and sadness ( a dream of life)
Sky of mercy, sky of fear ( a dream of life)
Sky of memory and shadow ( a dream of life)
Your burnin' wind fills my arms tonight
Sky of longing and emptiness (a dream of life)
Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life ( a dream of life)"

14) Paradise - The other most underrated tune on here. It's speaks to me as a person dreaming of their lost love and child. It's challenging because of its' stark nature. Very unlike anything else on the record but theme wise it's perfect. Again, it speaks of faith or a challenge of that faith. Someone operating in the thoughts of suicide but forcing themselves forward with the hopes of seeing their lost love(s) on "the other side"

15) My City of Ruins - Another one written before 9/11. It's actually about Asbury Park but fate put a different spin on it... The perfect bookend to the album. Also, the perfect parting thought for anyone coming to end of this musical journey.

A final reminder of what "it" is supposed to be about!

Family, love, faith, forgiveness, community, loss and in it's most basic and important sense... LIFE!

"Now with these hands,
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the strength, Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the faith, Lord
We pray for your love, Lord
We pray for the lost, Lord
We pray for this world, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord

Come on
Come on
Come on, rise up"

In the end, "The Rising" isn't a political statement or a call to arms. It's a simple reflection on universal themes of life and the general themes that bind us all together as human beings.

It's one of the most important albums of my life and a welcomed reminder that someone actually got "it"

Thanks Bruce!

2006-09-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

"I see you Mary in the garden
In the garden of a thousand sighs
There's holy pictures of our children
Dancin' in a sky filled with light
May I feel your arms around me
May I feel your blood mix with mine
A dream of life comes to me
Like a catfish dancin' on the end of the line

Sky of blackness and sorrow ( a dream of life)
Sky of love, sky of tears (a dream of life)
Sky of glory and sadness ( a dream of life)
Sky of mercy, sky of fear ( a dream of life)
Sky of memory and shadow ( a dream of life)
Your burnin' wind fills my arms tonight
Sky of longing and emptiness (a dream of life)
Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life ( a dream of life)"

Lord Of The Ring

2006-08-31T20:03:00.000-07:00

Well,

I took the plunge and asked my better half for her hand in marriage.

Because she said yes I thought I'd share it here.

We've known each other the better part of ten years and about a year and half ago started dating again after doing so in our early 20's for a little while. She's the most beautiful, wonderful women I've ever had the chance to know and will make for a wonderful partner the rest of days.

Of course it wouldn't be a blog post here without a story about the ring and how it happened.

About three weeks ago I decided to do this pretty much out of the blue. She had no idea this was coming and since I love surprises (when they aren't played on me) I thought I could make this one as well.

I called my mother in Las Vegas and had this conversation....

ME: Ma, remember that diamond ring you said I could have?

MOM: Yes... You're great grandmother's.

ME: I'd like it please.

My mother loses her breath and says she will send it out ASAP. First, she has to go the bank and get it out of the safe deposit box.

We hang up and I assume it will be in the mail in the next day or two. This was a Friday night.

It's now the following Wednesday and my mother calls to tell me she got it out and went to get it appraised and cleaned. It should be in the mail, Fed Ex, the next day of so...

Another two days goes by and my mother calls to tell me the women at the jewelry store talked her out of Fed Ex and has convinced her to send it through the Post Office.

I say, I don't like this idea but my mother assures me they have the best tracking system and that's how she's decided to send it. The next day is Saturday, eight days from the first phone call, and the ring will be in the mail tomorrow.

Monday I get a call and my mother says she just mailed it. Apparently she didn't have the right postage when she went the day before.... Love my mom!

She emails me the tracking number and says the guy at the post office told her it should be there no later than Thursday. We had it sent to my girlfriend's mother's house because it needed to be signed for and she's home during the day.

I'm working 19 hour days and am on the phone with her mother half of them. It wasn't showing. I get home on Thursday night and "track" the package. The USPS SUCKS!!!! They only thing they track is where it left from and at what time it left. This helps me tons since I already have this information!

I get up Friday and call the post office and get some mutant on the phone.

Mutant: Well, sir we track when it leaves and when it arrives.

Me: What kind of useless service is that? I know when it left and when it arrives I would know that too! Since I'd be holding it! So, every where in between is anyone's guess?

Mutant: It should have been there yesterday. If you don't have it by Monday call back and we'll start looking.

Me: If it's not here by Monday we're going to have a serious problem.

Friday, no ring.

Saturday, we have to go to her mother's for her grandmother's 83rd birthday surprise party. I hatch a plan the night before if the thing shows up while we are there.

Her mother, father, grandmother and her best friend are all going to be there so if the thing shows I'm going to do it right there in front of everyone.

For four hours I sat in the window like a anxious house cat! Waiting and waiting. Went outside to smoke about 10 cigarettes and then around 4:30 I spotted the mail truck down the block. I run over and scare the shit out of the postman.

"WHERE"S MY PACKAGE!!!!"

To which he replies.... "Who the hell are you?"

A fair question.

I tell him and he digs it out... He had it!

I head back inside with it... It's important to note because of my girlfriend's and my work schedules, it's not uncommon we have things mailed to her mother's house.

I walk back in with the package and my girlfriend asks what I've got and I tell her my mother sent me something in the mail to which she just shrugs and goes back to helping her grandmother open her gifts.

After a moment I say, "Babe, actually, I think she sent this for you"

"For me"

"Yeah, I think this is for you"

I hand her the package and she digs out the ring box, still clueless to what's going on.... She looks at it confused and then opens it up.

BLING, BLING!

That thing was shiny!

I say, "I was just wondering if you'd marry me"

Everyone is starting to freak out.... My girlfriend is BEGINNING to understand what's happening. The wheels are turning.

I'm next to her on my knee at this point and she just freaks the fuck out and starts yelling and crying and freaking out.

This goes on for about two minutes, although it felt like 30 because she never said yes... Finally her mother asked her "what are you going to tell him?"

And she screams out "yes, yes, yes!"

The neighbors must have thought there was a wild sex thing happening and more importantly that I was good!

Anyway, that my side of it.

No, we don't have a date yet.

No, that isn't a picture of the real ring. Perhaps she will post it on her blog with her version of this story. The real ring is over 80 years old... It was my great grandmother's and is very pretty.

There! That's my big news... Rose guessed it!

You're all invited! It will be an open bar and we will have watermelon at desert!

That should be enough for most of you!

People I Can Do Without #12

2006-08-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

Not sure who I'm supposed to be pissed at here.

1. The child fucking asshole who falsely confessed?

2. The dumb-fuck prosecutors in Colorado who rushed in without proper evidence?

3. The national media who covered this like the biggest story in the history of mankind the past week or so?

I think I'll take..... all of the above!

Listen, not be a dick here but we are talking about ONE child murdered, 10 YEARS ago!

Every day in this country people get killed..... Many of them children. Granted they aren't all blond and blue-eyed. Some are brown and the general public doesn't give a shit about those kids!

However, I'm tired of tuning into the news to see what's going on in Iraq and on the airlines and in New Orleans and even on Pluto just to be bombarded with "news" in the JonBenet Ramsey case!

Frankly, I don't give a shit. It's tragic when a child gets killed... ANY child! JonBenet Ramsey's death is no more tragic then the thousands and thousands of children killed throughout the world every year.

Every single day numerous children are murdered in this world and not one mention on CNN.

Cover them all or don't bother with any of them!

I suppose the networks feel this will distract us just long enough until the next celebrity break-up "news" or the next blonde girl goes missing in Aruba.

Meanwhile, in "Other News"

Death count in Iraq = at least 2,629 so far.

Damned if I could name just one!

Here's a couple....

_ Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas, 29, Dorchester, Mass.; died Saturday in Baghdad after an explosive detonated near his patrol; assigned to the 1st Squadron, 61st Cavalry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division, Fort Campbell, Ky.

_ Marine Cpl. David G. Weimortz, 28, Irmo, S.C.; died Saturday in Anbar province; assigned to 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

Too bad they aren't a six year-old blonde beauty queen.... If so, they may actually warrant a fucking mention on the 6:00 news.

Work Sucks

2006-08-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

The money is nice though!

I've been working 80+ hours a week on Law & Order; Criminal Intent the past 3 weeks...

Hence, the lack of posts.

However, I have some days off this week and I have some stories and rants to post.

Including encounters with Rip Torn and Eric Bogosian.

And some BIG personal news!

Plus, I get to catch up on my reading!!!

Stay tuned....

TWO Dollars!

2006-08-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

I literally lost my mind tonight. The whole tale is starting to come back to me slowly and I think I can present it here.

I work in NYC and drive to work everyday. Once there I am forced to put my car in a parking garage because there in no street parking in NYC these days.

Tonight, I leave work and head to the garage. Once there, I stand and wait while the parking attendant is "explaining" to a man why it costs $12 more to park an SUV in the same exact spots they park all the cars in for $12 less. The attendant was a foreign fellow and the man finally relented and paid him the extra money.

The attendant then approaches me and I hand him my ticket and $20. This is the exact amount I owe. A moment goes by and the guy returns and tells me "You owe me two more dollars" and shows me the claim ticket. It's stamped with two different times on it, one that reads 7:03 AM and one that reads 7:05 PM. It seems that if you go over 12 hours the flat rate of $22 kicks in....

Now, it's TWO dollars but I've been standing there for five minutes while this guy argued with the other man. I tell him, "I've been here at least five minutes and I'm not paying you any extra money because you took your sweet-ass time getting around to helping me"

He says, "You just got here, you owe me two more dollars"

I say, "I stood here and listened to you debate the last guy (I repeat their conversation word for word) now give me my car"

He replies, "You weren't here and your not getting your car until you give me the two dollars"

At this point I LOSE MY SHIT!

I freak the fuck out on this guy.... He's calling me a liar and trying to squeeze extra money out of me in the process. My end got a little heated at this point.

I say, "You are either blind or a liar...Or both!"

I lean on over, look him right in the face and say VERY slowly, "Now give me my car"

To which he replies "Not until I get my two dollars"

I'm in the middle of Better Off Dead

I launch into..."You are a scumbag liar! A BLIND, scumbag liar! I'm not giving you another cent you asshole!"

At this point another guy had arrived for his car and has been waiting while most of this plays out...

GUY: Give him the two dollars!

ME: Stay out of this.

GUY: I come here every night. This guy is a sweetheart.

ME: He's a scumbag!

GUY: All this over two dollars?

ME: It's the principle! Who the fuck asked you your opinion anyway?

GUY: I've had a long day. You are ruining my Aura!

AT this point I throw myself into a spastic fit! I jump up and down and wave my arms up and down while spinning around in a circle.

ME: Not your aura.... Your delicate fucking aura! What will I do for sleep tonight if I ruin your aura?

GUY: Now your starting with me?

ME: Starting with you? You're the one who threw yourself into the middle of this!

GUY: I want to go home! Here (reaches into his wallet) I'm paying the two dollars!

ME: I don't give a shit who pays it as long as I don't!

The attendant is now YELLING for my car to brought around. It arrives in record time and I take time to call the middle man a "Green Tea drinking, Yoga, aura asshole" and thank him for his two dollars!

I'm driving away and realize that I will have to find a new garage tomorrow. I can't ever park there again. Of course, as luck would have it, it's the closest and cheapest garage to my job!

The black out ends and I think to myself....

Principle damn it!

Principle!

***UPDATE!!!***

Well, as it turns out, the gargage next to this one is actually cheaper!

Also, on my way home Friday night I looked in and saw three guys in a HEATED discussion with the SAME parking guy! They were yelling at him and pointing at the sign with the parking rates on it! He was trying to get over on them too...

It was 3:00 in the morning so I didn't stick around to see how it all ended. Wonder if the "aura" guy stepped into that one too?

Radio Ga Ga

2006-08-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

I'm working again these days... VERY long hours.

To put it in perspective, I got home Friday at 6:30 Saturday morning!

Anyway, on the way home I was listen to Q104.3, the classic rock station here in the NYC area. It occurs to me that most of the songs they play on these Classic Rock stations suck! In the history of rock music there are millions of songs and somehow these stations play the same 100 over and over.

With this in mind I am calling for the immediate retirement of one song from every artist on the play list.

These are the songs that really get over-killed! Now this list would take forever to write so I've narrowed it down to the top 15 biggest offenders of sucking! Feel free to add your own.

These aren't really in order except for number one... My personal least favorite over-played song EVER!

15. Piano Man - Billy Joel

Sing us a song? How bout, I hope you choke on that beer smelling mic asshole!

"Scenes from an Italian restaurant" is a CLOSE second....

14. Pinball Wizard - The Who

The opening acoustic riff is the best part of the song. The deaf, dumb and blind kid can kiss my ass.

13. Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix

This song is the only thing many people know from Jimi. Which is a shame because he has about 30 tunes I'd rather hear. The pot that got named for this is much more moving than it's name sake.

12. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

This song was best enjoyed watching Mike Myers and Dana Carvey lip synch to it.... It's too long! I've heard it a thousand times and still have no idea what it's about.

11. Walk this Way - Aerosmith

This one is credited for starting the whole rap/rock thing.... Thanks a lot guys! Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit! Way to go....

10. Hey Jude - The Beatles

Listening to McCartney yelp out the Ju, Ju, Judy, Judy, Ju, Ju ,Jude...
Part at the end (ALL FOUR minutes of it!)makes me want to punch someone in the face. Namely, Julian Lennon.

9. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison

Almost any song that depends on a chorus of "sha la la" is doomed. This one is no exception.

8. Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

This song is the biggest buzz kill in the history of driving. The DJ usually positions right in the middle of a five song "rock block." Out of the 100 songs I'd rather hear from Bob this is the one I get to hear most often. I shudder to think about the day Dylan dies and they play this on repeat for 24 hours straight.

7. Money - Pink Floyd

Out of all the songs on "Dark Side" why this one? Why the piece of filler has been elevated to such heights escapes me.

6. Piece of My Heart - Janis Joplin

"Hold on, hold on, hold on"

Please let go!

5. Crocodile Rock - Elton John

"Me and Suzy had so much fun"

Fuck you Elton... Unless you were trying on her dresses and getting her to braid your hair you and Suzy did nothing together.

4. Glory Days - Bruce Springsteen

Go out to a bar in New Jersey and NOT hear this song. Go ahead, I dare you to try.

3. Proud Mary - Creedence Clearwater Revival

Tina Turner's is soooo much better. And not by a little.

Play hers' or don't play the song!

2. Start Me Up - The Rolling Stones

Once they sold it to Microsoft it should have come with a "no return" policy.

AND FOR THE NUMBER ONE MOST PLAYED OUT SONG IN THE HISTORY OF ROCK RADIO!!!!

This song represents everything I hate in music. Over-written lyrics....3 minutes longer than it needs to be....Pretentious lead singer....People who own no rock albums know every fucking word!

1. Hotel California - The Eagles

If I never had to hear this song again I would gladly trade in all my Springsteen and Dylan albums!

There isn't a chance in hell anyone could go a week without hearing this song invade their ears. It's impossible! It's so bad that sometimes you hear it and don't even realize it's playing until it's half over. It's become that familiar!

New Someday Post

2006-07-31T20:58:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Dim for stirring up some found memories.

Thanks as always for clicking over!

Annoyed

It's 3:00 A.M. - Do You Know Where Your Litter Scoop Is?

2006-07-28T03:04:00.000-07:00

I'm just getting back from the supermarket. It's 3:00 A.M. in Jersey and I had to run out for a cat litter scooper! The litter box was in disarray, in desperate need of cleaning and there I was, a grown man in his underwear searching for a tool to scoop shit with!

Of course, there was none to be found. My girlfriend had cleaned the box last so I decided to gently wake her up and ask her...

I crawled into bed and whispered in her ear... "Babe, where's the litter scoop"

She laughs. She tends to do this in her sleep sometimes. So, I ask again and this time she blurts out... "On top of the litter box"

Now, why do women always assume men are this dumb? Like the first place I would choose to look wouldn't be the place it always is?

So, I tell her "it's not there"

She responds, "Did you look inside the box"

Now, again, apparently I'm a stupid asshole. One that would know the litter box needs to be cleaned by NOT looking inside it and one that wouldn't notice a huge piece of plastic sticking up out of it!

So, I decide to let her sleep and go off in further search.... I look everywhere in the apartment. Places it should be and places it has no business being... Like the refrigerator for example.

It's not here! It's gone and now my OCD is kicking into overdrive! I go back into the bedroom and whisper again... "Babe, I think you threw it out"

She responds with "I'm up!"

These are not words I want to hear... It means she's waking up and getting out of bed at 2:00 A.M. and I'm the dick who woke her. I must admit, it was sort of amusing to watch her stumble around like a drunk looking for a shit scooper in the middle of the night. I have a "different" sense of humor.

I, of course, helped the situation in leaps and bounds by annoucning "I already looked there" every time she found a new spot where it might be.

Finally, she announces "I have no idea where it is" to which I respond "You must of thrown it out"

So looks at me with all seriousness and asks "How do you know I threw it out? Maybe you did"

Again, the female logic in this is entirely lost on me. I KNOW I didn't throw it out. I would remember a time where I said to myself "this shit scooper belongs in the trash!" I would also remember placing it there and wouldn't have bothered waking her up to remind me. She says "You can't prove I threw it out" and she was right! In court, this circumstantial evidence would never hold up and with women that's all that matters sometimes.... Can you PROVE it?

I couldn't so I put her back into bed, apologized for forgetting I must of thrown it out, and did the only thing a sane person would do in this situation.... I get dressed and head to the 24 hour A&P.

I take the time to cut out a Ben & Jerry's coupon (might as well make it a really worthwhile trip) and head out at 2:30.

I get to the supermarket and watch a 55 year old, fat white man push a cart while his BLACK son(?) is dragging his feet behind him yelling "Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning!" To which the father responds sweetly "Shut Up!"

Holy Hell!

Anyway, I get the scoop and head to freezer section to get my Ben & Jerry's. I get there and start to panic a bit... "Where's the Cubby Hubby?" I say to myself, out loud over and over. It's nowhere to found as I am now frantically digging through the other flavors in search of it! It's no where and I'm freaking out! "Chubby Hubby, where are you!"

Then I spot it! In the Haggen Daz section, like a beacon in the distance.

I grab it, place it gently in the basket and head for the check out.

I pass the cast of Different Strokes again and out of the corner of my eye I see a new flavor of Doritos! I stop and take a closer look. "Fiery Habanero" flavor. I have to have these! As a bonus, they are half price! I throw them in the basket and head to the register.

Let's recap, I have a bag of Doritos, a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a shit scoop for a litter box. Oh, and it's 2:45 in the morning! The girl at the checkout shoots me a look and to read her mind would go like this I assume... "This stoner has a dirty litter box at home. What a loser!"

I think to myself "Loser? Screw you, check out girl!" And I'm gone.

Home, I clean the litter box, wash my hands and try the Doritos. They are really hot!!! I need to cool my mouth off....

Good thing I have this pint of ice cream sitting here.

My girlfriend is asleep again. I'm thinking of waking her and holding up the new litter scoop and saying...

"Babe, look what I found in the coffee pot"

Weekend in Review

2006-07-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY -

I get up and do nothing. Play some on line poker and get good and angry at all the bad beats I'm taking. This is nothing new at this point but I keep playing anyway. I'm pretty good at it and it never ceases to be "different"..... Different ways to get my balls kicked in!

Later, my girlfriend and I decide to go food shopping. I HATE this activity with her. She likes to go in EVERY aisle and pick out things! She's very health concise so she's always looking at the nutritional facts and calories.

Like the old saying goes.... "Men hunt, women gather"

Now, when I go to the supermarket there are only a few places I need to go...

1. The Deli Department to pick up some fresh loose meat.

2. The Junk Food aisle to see what's on sale. I'm not picky, as long as it's full of salt and artificial flavor I will buy it and eat it!

3. The freezer section to see what frozen entrees on are sale. I like quick meals that I don't have to clean up after. To me, a frozen block of lasagna and a plastic fork are the stuff dreams are made of!

4. The Ice cream section. Ben and Jerry's or Haagen Daz... Doesn't matter to me. (see #2)

And that's it! Maybe some bread for the loose meat and one or two other items and I'm gone!

Back to my girlfriend.... She's picking out vegetables and fruit and whole wheat shit!

I'm pushing the cart...

Anyway, the highlight of this trip was when I passed a girl and her mother. They were bookends. VERY large, short, bookends. The daughter is about 15 years old, four-foot-eight, TWO HUNDRED pounds, wearing a TIGHT green shirt that reads "Dancing Machine"

HOLY SHIT! It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I made my girlfriend seek her out and look for herself.

That night my girlfriend and I get into a fight. We don't fight very often. In fact, it was maybe the third fight we've had in over a year. My buddy A.S.S. calls during it and I ramble about why.

A few more bad beats on line and I go to bed...

SATURDAY -

I get up and my girlfriend and I are still not speaking. She leaves the house and I'm back at the poker table. My buddy A.S.S. calls again and I tell him what happened. Now, he had spoken to my girlfriend the night before when he called and heard her side of what was going on and in his opinion, I was mad about nothing. In fact, he thought I had the whole thing wrong! I assured him that not only wasn't I "wrong" but, in fact, I was "158% RIGHT!"

Well..... I was wrong.

I had mis-heard something she said the night before and was pissed off over nothing. In turn, she was pissed at me for a very good reason.

I'm an ASSHOLE!!!

We made up because she is a wonderful, forgiving, PATIENT person.

A beautiful person inside and out (she reads this)

A.S.S. and his girlfriend make plans with us and then blow us off.... Fuck head!

Anyway, I'm feeling so bad that I offer to take her to the movies... I HATE going to the movies. There are so many reasons that I will have to do a separate post someday. Either way, she knows this and sees that I really feel bad about the fight and is happy to go!

We got as far as 20 feet from the lobby door and that was it! I couldn't do it. There were hoards of teenagers going into the theatre at the same time we were. I knew these kids were going to wind up right behind me and she knew it as well. She appreciated the effort and we agreed to hit a matinee next weekend.

Again, patience....

We hit Blockbuster and rented The Family Stone I was still feeling bad and agreed to watch this chick-flick turd because I knew she wanted to. Oh, and it was a TURD!

This is how bad it was...Luke Wilson was in it and during one scene he's standing in a pair of tight sweatpants sporting some major morning wood... I say out loud "I have a feeling Rusty LOVES this movie" and my girlfriend and I laughed... The only time we laughed!

SUNDAY -

I wake up and eat four doughnuts and two bagels... I'm a fat fuck! I watch Diehard and the Yankees get their asses kicked again.

We make plans to go visit with some friends of my girlfriend's and they flake out as well... Fuck Heads! (something about oral surgery and a numb face....)

Now I'm waiting for Deadwood tonight. I look forward to this all weekend. As I've posted before, it's leaving the air soon and I will be forced to turn elsewhere for my brilliant television.

Here's an edited episode.... Only the curse words are left. If you enjoy obscene, vulgar language as much as I do (and I know some of you do!) click on this...

RANDOM THOUGHTS

- Caught some of "America's Got Talent" this weekend and two things leaped out.

1. Any "talent" show judged by David Hasslehoof can not be taken seriously.

2. There was a group called "Sugar and Spice" They were an all black group! If you are going to call yourself "SUGAR and Spice" you need at least ONE white fuck in the mix!

- "Big" News from Saturday Night Live

Seems Tina Fey is leaving to write her own sitcom.... Does anyone care? Tina Fey has been the head-writer over there for the past six years. Arguably, the WORST six years the show has been on the air. Why they would use her name to sell anything new is beyond me... She's already had one sitcom idea fail and this one will tank too. Their best shot was to hope no one made the connection and gave the show a chance.

Fore!

2006-07-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

I went golfing today...

I was a fun day except for two small details:

1. It was very cloudy out today so I went without the sunscreen. That was dumb... However, what makes it retarded is that I was driving the cart all day so I'm very sunburned,,,,, ONLY on my left side!

My left arm, leg and side of face are as red as a lobster's ass.

My right side is as pale as it always is...

2. I dragged a 17 year old with me. I was this kid's basketball coach when he was in 5th grade and have remained close with his family since. This kid is one of those "natural" athlete types. He's generally good at any sport he attempts and I found out that golf is just another one he can now kick my ass at. (basketball happened when he turned 12)

Anyway, this was his THIRD time playing golf and he beat me by over 20 strokes. I generally suck anyway but rarely am I so embarrassed by my playing partner. Worse yet, he talked shit the whole time while doing it!

It wasn't like I could shut him up either! As an example I hit a 200 yard drive straight down the middle with my 3-wood. I was feeling pretty good about this as he LAUNCHES a drive 300 fucking yards! One of seven drives he hit over 250.

I once hit a drive 300 yards...It was downhill on a windy day.

Worse yet, he did with a 8 degree driver....For those of you not familiar with golf an 8 degree refers to the loft on the club face....Most pros hit 8 degree drivers.... Suck-ass amateurs like myself hit 10 or 11..... No one I know steps on the course for the third time and hits an 8 degree 250+ yards, seven times...

Did I mention I HATE this kid?

Tomorrow, I think I'll take my girlfriend's 82 year-old grandmother mini-golfing.

I think I can take her.

I Made A Music Video!

2006-07-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

Random Vent #11

2006-07-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

Your championship trophy needs to be bigger than a dildo!

After one month of soccer matches the winning team gathers around a trophy smaller than the ones given out to children as "participation awards" in youth sports.

If you want me to take your sport seriously you need to actually compete for something of worth! (National Pride doesn't count. After all, it would take a lot more than a soccer match for France)

These teams don't even get to keep the trophy! They give it back next year and it's replaced with a gold plated substitute!

You'd think the winner of the most popular sports competition in the WORLD would have something of value to show for it! For Christ's sake, the second place plate at Wimbledon is worth more.

Oh, and deciding a WORLD championship with penalty kicks is like ending the Superbowl in a tie and asking the opposing quarterbacks to take turns throwing a football through a tire!

Wake me up again in four years.... Second thought, just let me sleep.

Some More New Things

2006-07-06T03:23:00.000-07:00

Quickly,

1. A new post is up at the other blog. This one is in honor of our friend Dim!

2. My lovely, better half has started her own blog. I think she was tired of hearing about mine! Anyway, she's a very talented writer and if you have a chance try and stop by:

From The Neck Up

Enjoy!

I Made a Commercial!

2006-07-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

WARNING!

LOTS of foul language! May not be work safe!

People I Can Do Without #11

2006-07-01T23:19:00.000-07:00

Why is this woman
famous?

For the life of me I can not find one thing Star Jones has done of any merit! As an example, under career highlights, she lists being the only person to interview O.J. Simpson during his civil lawsuit!

Whoppi-fucking-do!

If that's a career "highlight" then I shudder to think about what she considers a low point.

As far as I can tell she's appeared on numerous tabloid programs over the years, lost a bunch of weight, married a guy named Al, and gotten fired from the most annoying show on television.

Quite a friggin' list!

Now everyone want to know what's next! What's next for Star?

Who gives a shit!

She's all over the place now, which means I have to see her face EVERYWHERE! Personally, I'd rather stare at a steaming, pile of cow shit than have to look at Star Jones ever again!

Maybe that's just me....

If she wants my opinion of what to do next (other than staying off my TV) I would suggest going back to one of her other two jobs...

Helping the Republic fight the Empire

Or.....

Coaching Temple basketball!

The "Best Of" & Some New Links

2006-06-27T17:56:00.000-07:00

I have created a "Best Of" list at the right of the page if anyone is interested.... They are sort of in order.... I choose them based on what I like best, not the number of comments (Some actually have zero)

A tale of my tremendous "Stud-Like" High School experience is up at "Someday We'll look Back on This....."

http://somedayfunny.blogspot.com/

Also, there are some new links under the "Blogs that Link" list...

1. Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog - That's Lozo and be warned it's for MATURE audiences... Some very funny stuff.

2. These are Hard Times For Dreamers - Another blog I found thanks to March and Sage. Sort of a female March in the way she writes about music and a good read throughout!

3. Ramblin Rose - Anyone named after a Dead Song is cool with me! She's a California native now living in Australia! She has begun writing about Australia and its' wildlife and general unique differences from the U.S. Now, I'm obsessed with Australia and its' insane wildlife... In my opinion it may be the most dangerous place on Earth!

4. News Rants and Reviews - Is a crazy conservative that found and linked to me! Now I'm returning the favor.... I agree with nothing he says but it does give me an opportunity at some political debate and insight on how the other half lives and thinks!

Enjoy!

A View From The Front Seat

2006-06-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

I went for a drive today and these things stood out a bit...

1. The jerk off holding the piece of furniture, tied to his roof, with his left hand while driving with the right! We've all seen this guy... Sometimes it a piece of furniture, sometimes it's a mattress. Around Christmas time it's a fucking tree!

They tie the object up half-assed and then hold onto it with the tips of their fingers! Like if that mattress slips off the roof their three fingers are going to be able to hold onto it before it hits the road. Why are these people so stupid? And why am I always stuck right behind them on the highway?

2. The people in the E-Z Pass lane STILL aren't reading my blog!

3. Gas is still fucking expensive!

4. When did every restaurant become a "bistro?" I mean, where was I and how come I didn't get the memo. I looked up the definition of the word and found this:

bisÂ·tro (bē'strō, bĭs'trō) n., pl. -tros.
1. A small bar, tavern, or nightclub.
2. A small, informal restaurant serving wine

The key word being "small."

I've eaten at Italian Bistros, Chinese Bistros, Mexican Bistros and once at a place just called "Bistro"

They have all been HUGE! At least 40 tables. Some have required a certain dress code. None of them have been what those definitions imply they should.

I have come to the conclusion that the new definition of "Bistro" should read like this...

bisÂ·tro (bē'strō, bĭs'trō) n., pl. -tros.
1. An overrated restaurant selling ethnic food with too much salt added to it.
2. A restaurant trying to be fancy and charging you obscene prices to prove it!

I'm going to open a bistro and sell jug wine. It will contain four tables and clothing is optional! We will serve huge portions of food at reasonable prices.

I will call it "The O.G. Bistro"

Cause, you know, I'm old school.

E Z Does It

2006-06-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

This is an E-Z Pass... This is supposed to make driving "easier" for you and the other drivers on the road. However, it seems to me more and more retarded people are getting these in the mail and attaching them to their cars. I would like to offer up some guidelines for the proper use of these...

1. You do not have to touch the E-Z Pass as you go through the toll plaza. There is no button to push! Just because it's in the shape of a garage door opener doesn't mean it functions in the same way! They should install sensors on the thing so if someone is detected to be touching it as they roll through the toll a white-hot laser is shot directly into their cars killing them instantly!

2. You do not have to come to a complete stop when using it. You can safely travel 25 MPH through the toll and the thing will get read! If I wanted to sit in stop and go traffic at a toll plaza I'd be sitting in the "Cash" line!

3. The EZ Pass should be installed on your windshield. You shouldn't keep in your glove box until the exact moment you are going to use it! Which, by coincidence, happens to be the exact moment I am usually driving right behind you!

4. You need to trust the EZ Pass. After all, it's smarter than you. Waiting until the little box says "EZ PASS Paid" is stupid! Has it ever said anything different? I could see if it spit out lottery numbers or fortunes every fifth time you used it but it doesn't. See #2 and press the gas, asshole!

5. There is plenty of time to get over into the proper lanes when approaching a toll plaza. Why users and non-users of EZ Pass can't seem to figure this out is beyond me. Lanes are CLEARLY marked as "EZ Pass ONLY" So why am I constantly watching people cut across from the "Cash" line to get into the EZ Pass Lane? They give you a half-mile warning that let's you know what lane you will need to be in... Get there!

Pretty simple list and it shouldn't be that hard. Then again, neither should simply driving in a straight line at a constant speed...

Guest Blog #4

2006-06-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

Lyrics that don't make sense piss me off!

James Blunt sucks! First of all he sounds like a woman. (quasi Tracy Chapman only not nearly as talented) Second the lyrics to the song Beautiful make absolutely NO sense. The girl that tolerates A.S.S. says that I am being ridiculous and that James Blunt is Fabulous. I'll let you be the judge.

"My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
Cause I've got a plan."

Ok reasonable enough. He's a guy on a subway who sees a hot girl with another guy, shares a moment, and absolutely has to have her. Not only does he have to have her but he has "a plan".

"You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
Cause I'll never be with you."

Ok, here is where he loses me. In verse one he's very confident. He knows what he wants and has a plan to get it. Now all of a sudden as if by magic he "don't know what to do" !???????

What the fuck happened to your plan asshole? You just had a plan! Where the hell did it go? Did you forget what the plan was? What's the matter couldn't find anything else to rhyme with true? That's it right!? You couldn't find something to rhyme with true so then "you didn't know what to do" and now the song's gone in a completely different direction. You ruined a perfectly good premise because you couldn't find something to rhyme with true. Well Mr. Blunt here are few possibilities.

Get a clue! Your song blew, so go screw!

A.S.S.

People I Can Do Without #10

2006-06-18T23:07:00.000-07:00

All right.... Since I'm still getting obscene hits every day because of this stupid post I'm taking the time to rewrite it a bit. The people I was referring to here is lost among the people actually reading it! While that was amusing this past week I'm now confronted with the dilemma of saying "fuck these guys, I'm not changing anything" or trying to get across my original reason for even writing this post. Taking it down was never an option.

Maybe it's my fault for not being clear enough. Most people that have taken the the time to respond to this have basically said the same thing (beyond the silly insults to me)...

That they don't fit this profile and they don't act this way... Then I would say this post has nothing to do with you! I truly don't understand how people can say this has nothing to do with them personally and then turn around and feel personally offended!?

With this in mind, I'm re-writing this a bit to be more clear. So, here it is... Free of clutter and more to the point!

Thanks for stopping by,

Annoyed

Guys who drive these things like assholes should be shot!

These annoying pieces of shit that sound like a thousand flies fucking at incredibly high speeds!

Listen to these things "fire" up... It sounds like a four year old child making the sound of a single engine aircraft!

The assholes that drive these things are my favorite part. These guys make the kids on Growing Up Gotti seem like Harvard grads. They usually have nothing more than a tee shirt on in order to expose their arms that are the size of a giraffe's legs. On top of this, they usually weigh about 90 pounds, soaking wet.

They usually travel in groups of four or five. I suppose the whole "strength in numbers" thing is in play here. Some would say it's a safety issue... That traveling together is a smart thing to do. I say five assholes driving like morons is just five times the danger for everyone else on the road!

I could take the whole pack of them out with my back bumper.

And I dream about it... Just clipping one of their front wheels as they drive by doing 120 mph on the highway. "Officer, he was in my blind spot"

I think I could launch one about 50 yards...

(Of course, that's nothing to be proud of)

Doing over 100 mph on the highway doesn't make you cool you Gotti-looking, giraffe-armed, small-bodied, dickless wonder!

It makes you a fucking stupid asshole in need of attention! Something you can look forward too at your wake after you wreck this fly-fuck sounding piece of shit in a ditch on the highway during rush hour.

With my luck, the one day I actually need to be somewhere!

Now, THIS is Annoying

2006-06-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe I'm being forced to defend Ann Coulter.

I hate Ann Coulter. I hate the way she thinks. I hate the way she sounds. I hate the way she looks.

I HATE her.

However, I support her right to free speech. After all, this is America and she has the right to say whatever she chooses no matter how dumb, ignorant, insensitive and downright hateful it may be.

We as citizens have the right to challenge her opinion with our own. We also have the right simply ignore her! We can choose to spend our money on other things than her book. A book, by the way, I wouldn't wipe my ass with .

What we don't need is our Assemblywomen in New Jersey calling for a state-wide boycott of said book because they disagree with the content.

www.assemblydems.com/press/0606/PRQuigleyStenderOnCoulter.htm

If we wanted Republicans in these positions we would have elected them.

Let's save the boycotts for the middle red staters and their hatred of The Dixie Chicks and The DaVinci Code. I would hope we were above such things on the coast lines.

I hope that New Jersey merchants ignore this call and continue to sell this piece of trash for a couple of reasons.

1. Censorship of any kind is wrong! The 1st admendment is there to protect all American Citizens. Not just the ones you agree with.

2. The more people that buy and read this book the more will see just how far gone the extreme Right Wing are in this country. That can only be a good thing for the future.

These assemblywomen need to tackle the bigger issues facing this state and stop wasting time posing for the political cameras.

Get back to work!

People I Can Do Without #9

2006-06-09T17:12:00.000-07:00

The cable "news" media needs to do their job and report the news... ALL of the news!

Yesterday, for what seemed to be 24 hrs. straight we saw the same story about the death of al-Zarqawi. Now, is this a big story? Of course! However did it need 24 hrs to cover? Is there nothing else going on in the world, or better yet, here at home that could have used even 10 minutes of coverage yesterday?

These networks pick one story and drill it for days and days and sometimes, as in the case of some blonde girl in Aruba, an entire fucking year!

In a world of multi-tasking CNN, MSNBC and FOX News are sad examples of nothing more than tunnel vision.

Yesterday while al-Zarqawi was dead, ALL day, these stories popped into my head...

1. The environment - You know that thing called climate and global warming. A much bigger long term risk to us as a species than terrorism could ever hope to be!

2. The price of fucking gas! - The price gauging that the major oil companies are still getting away with is out of control.

3. The war in Iraq - I sat and watched as people used the phrase "turning the corner" yesterday and wanted to throw the fuck up! We still have no real plan and still do not have enough troops on the ground over there.... Over 2,500 dead American soldiers and countless more seriously wounded and there STILL is no end in sight. Now you want us to believe we've "turned the corner" because of one dead, radical mother fucker! I don't think so... Still a long road to travel.

4. The continuing discrimination of homosexuals - I think discrimination of any kind deserves a light shined on it... Why hatred towards an entire group of people based on THE WAY THEY WERE BORN is so readily excepted by so many morons in this country is, at the least, extremely troubling.

5. The continuing genocide in Africa - Never has a story of such weight received such little attention. It blows my mind that it still doesn't make the news EVERY night.

6. That dead chick in Aruba - I actually wondered yesterday... "Is she still dead? Christ, I haven't heard anything all day!"

7. The National Debt - Man, my unborn kid's are gonna STILL be pissed when they are 40!

8. Scientists have developed and had approved a vaccine for cervical cancer - Sort of a big break through for woman all over the world!

9. The stock market continues to slide downward - So much for that big bounce in the economy.

10. The World Cup - Yes, we don't care about soccer in this country but ANYTHING that unites the entire world can't be all that bad! Sports can be a wonderful thing sometimes. Also, the out right racism that still invades soccer is a worthwhile topic for discussion to see how far we have come and how far we still need to go as the human race.

Now, these are just ten topics off the top of my head. All were worth discussing yesterday while I watched these networks run the same footage of a bomb going off all day!

Get your shit together and start reporting ALL the news, ALL of the time. Don't simply pick and choose what you will be ramming down our American throats every day. Don't tell us what's important... Give us ALL of the information and let us decide!

After all, that's your fucking job!

I Don't Care If You Burn!

2006-06-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd post this to let Jenny know she isn't alone...

To quote Denis Leary:

"I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day, ok. And I am never fucking quitting!"

Up until a week ago that was my motto! That and "Always make friends with fat girls... They have the best looking friends"

Anyway, the day after my 30th birthday I put down my delicious American Spirits and picked up a package of these...So, now instead of my morning cup of coffee and Cigarette I enjoyed a cup of coffee and a piece of fucking flavorless chalk! This was GREAT!

It also lasted all of four days. Over the weekend I bought a pack of "Yellows" and felt like a fucking junkie. I sucked those down and said "This time I'm sticking with the chalk!"

Well, here's the rub.... My girlfriend smokes.

These....

These, DISGUSTING tasting, pieces of shit! After you smoke American Spirits for any extended period of time you can't smoke anything from the major brands without tasting anything but the chemicals.

Marlboro Ultra Lights taste exactly like I imagine freebasing bleach would.

However, I still sit around all day waiting for her to come home from work so I can suck two down! Right after I spit out the the fucking chalk!

I think I need help....

Sour Apples, Part II

2006-06-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you remember my birthday tale:

http://pppannoy.blogspot.com/2006/05/sour-apples.html

Well, Apple sent me that "new-refurbished" Ipod and it was great!!!!

For about, six whole days!

Over the weekend it started sticking. A tune would start and then freeze for a second before starting again. Yesterday, at the gym, the entire thing froze and had to be reset. Today, the thing was just starting songs, playing ten seconds of them, and then skipping to the next track!

I got home and called Apple "Tech Support"

They should really just call this "Hold on while I check with my supervisor to determine what line of shit to feed you" After a few minutes of being on hold she comes back to tell me, "Sir, that machine sounds broken" (No shit!) "You'll have to send it back"

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I hang up with her and call customer service. I get a guy on the phone. For the sake of this piece, we'll call him "Seth"

Seth: Hi, how can I help you?

Annoyed: (I explain the WHOLE story)

Seth: Well sir, I can give you a $50 credit towards the purchase of a new Ipod!

Now, this does me no good at all. They only make 30 and 60 gig Ipods now. Both models are the "Video Ipods" I explained to Seth that:

1. I need at least 40 gigs. The 60 retails for $400 and even with the credit I'd still be kicking in an extra $150. The 30 gig is just too small AND $50 more!

2. I'm not some stupid teenager on the bus to school. I don't need to play videos on my Ipod. I want it to play music! That is all.... If I want to watch a video I'll turn on my TV!

Seth: Well, then you can send that one back and we'll do the exchange thing again.

Annoyed: Well, Apple has to do SOMETHING for me. I have LITERALLY spent more time on the phone trying to fix these things than actually listening to music on them!

Seth: Well, I don't know what else I can do. Maybe....

Annoyed: How bout a $25 gift card to Itunes?

Seth: Can't do that.... How bout a $65 refund back to you credit card?

Now, let's do the math here.... Along with the $25 credit from a week ago this brings the grand total of this Ipod to $110.

Seth says: "Hopefully, this one doesn't give you anymore trouble."

FUCK THAT! I hope this one just EXPLODES when I take it out of the box! You know what that credit would be worth? I'll have a free 60 gig the next day!

Anyway, the "new" one will be here early next week. Anyone wanna bet there is a third chapter to this trilogy?

Faith Rewarded!

2006-05-31T15:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.dixiechicks.com/06_pressDetail.asp?newsID=606

Nice to see Freedom of Speech still means something here in the U.S.

Oh, and the album is GREAT!

Well done Ladies... See you at MSG!

The Judge, The Dwarf & The ACLU

2006-05-31T01:11:00.000-07:00

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

This douche bag above was spared jail time cause he's too short to survive in prison!

What did he do? Molested a 12 year old girl.... Apparently, no big deal in Nebraska.

www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/05/26/national/main1662524.shtml

The judge claims because he's so short he would be killed in jail by much bigger inmates. The judge sees this as a problem where as I see this as a solution! I guess I'm just a a glass half-full kind of guy!

This scumbag deserves to go to jail because, once there, he will get to experience what the 12 year old girl did.... See, they wouldn't kill him right away. They would rape him for about nine years and 364 days first.

Fuck him!

To prove this judge is a total fucking stain on society I'd like to point to the fact that the A.C.L.U. DISAGREES with the decision and doesn't buy the "short person discrimination" bullshit.

You know something stinks when even the fucking A.C.L.U. calls bullshit!

Guest Blog #3

2006-05-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

Stop Clapping for Christs Sake!

Here’s something I have been dying to get off of my chest for a while. This is my single greatest pet peeve. Bigger than people who open doors for me. Bigger than those damn receipts. Bigger than people who call me for last minute shit one hour before I’m supposed to go home on a holiday weekend (more to come). These people are truly clueless. These people deserve to be round up and systematically made sterile. Who are these people you ask?

People who CLAP at the end of movies!

Last night I went to see "The DaVinci Code" with the girl who tolerates A.S.S. I thought it was pretty good. No great epic but entertaining. I’m told that the fact that I did not read the book led me to enjoy it more than I would have had I read the book. Just another endorsement for not reading fiction as far as I’m concerned. I don’t need anything ruining my movie going experience!

At the end of the film more than half of the theatre breaks out into applause. That’s right! HALF the theatre was clapping at the end of the movie! Clapping for who you ask? RIGHT! Clapping is a sign of appreciation for a job well done. Unless you are invited to a premier where the stars of the movie and people who worked on the movie are actually there DO NOT CLAP AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. All you do is make yourself look like an idiot and piss me off! I did some research and could not find the origin of applause or clapping. I was able to find documentation that stated that clapping is something babies instinctively do when they are happy. Two rows up for me was a couple with a newborn. The baby slept through the entire movie and did not clap once. That baby at 2 months old (or there about) was smarter than half the people in that theatre. In the future if you go to a Broadway show, by all means clap away. If you go to the circus, clap away. If you go to a movie SIT ON YOUR FUCKING HANDS!

A.S.S.

Sour Apples

2006-05-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me....

With apologies to Dim, I'm ripping off some of his previous photos and using them here. Why? Cause they fit perfect with this birthday tale.

Who's Dim?

Dim is the author of "Dim City". It can be found in the links on the right side of this page. If you have an hour to kill it would be well worth your time to give it a full read. It is much better than mine. Serious Blog envy and if I ever get my sitcom idea off the ground I'm driving to Massachusetts and throwing Dim into my car and forcing him to write for the show.

And by "forcing" I mean there will be serious trouble if he doesn't come peacefully.

Anyway,

My wonderful MP3 player that I've had for the past two years finally shit the bed last week. It was a Creative Labs "Nomad", 40 gig MP3 player. It was a little bigger than an Ipod but did the same thing for around $150 less. I LOVED this thing. I own about 3,000 CDs and this thing had enough juice to hold the bulk of them. Did I mention I LOVED it? Took in the car and on the subway. Me and that thing have had some nice times together. I always liked how it enabled me to ignore drunks and crystal myth freaks in the Port Authority at night. Even fucked up insane people realize someone has headphones in and the music blaring from them is real. It was a wonderful tool.

Anyway, it stopped taking a charge last week. I couldn't figure out was wrong until the section where the power chord went just fell the fuck out. It was then that I said to myself... "This might be it" I was heart broken but knew I'd have some money coming in from my birthday this weekend and set out to replace it.

A new one still runs around $250. The only problem being, they stopped making the 40 gig and they are very hard to find new. They only make a 30 gig and a 60 gig and they are both the video player type. I don't need a video played in my MP3 player. They are to small to enjoy movies on and too big to hide porn in a public place.... ZERO use to me! Plus they are the "Zen Touch" models. What's a "Zen Touch?" It's a rip off of Apple's click wheel. BUT, it's VERY sensitive. You touch this thing and you're already nine spots from where you wanted to go in the blink of an eye. It drives you fucking crazy! In fact there is nothing remotely "zen" about it!

How do I know this? Because my buddy J.L., or as he's known on this blog: A.S.S., got one about a month ago. He got one only after I talked him out of getting an Ipod. I did this by telling him "Ipod's suck...They all break" I told him to read Dim's Take on this subject at the following link...

http://dim1313.blogspot.com/2006/01/i-heart-applesometimes.html

Anyway, I'm looking at this new generation of Creative lab players and thinking I really didn't like them. So I started shopping around. I finally settled on a new player and, yup, you guessed it! I BOUGHT A FUCKING IPOD!

Not a brand new one (that would be too smart)... I went onto the Apple website and searched for the "factory reconditioned" items. I picked out the 40 gig, 4th generation Ipod with the click wheel. It was only $200 and suited me fine. It was smaller than my Creative Labs player and size has become important to me these days. Not like a woman who just gave birth to twins the old fashioned way...But important all the same. I'm going to the gym more and more and getting in pretty good shape. Not saying you can bounce a single quarter off my stomach but a roll of quarters would go FLYING at this point! My MP3 player is just too big and bulky. It's too heavy to clip to my shorts and is always flying off the treadmill and crashing to floor. Not before it almost trips and kills me of course, and was actually becoming hazardous. I had bought a fanny pack to wear (or as I called it in front of my girlfriend: a "sports belt") but my girlfriend made such fun of it I returned it and got my money back. Apple makes a sports band that I can wear on my arm. I thought this would be great for the treadmill, the weight machine's and for the mountain bike I got for my birthday. The Ipod also holds a longer charge and all around was a better fit for me at this point.

So I ordered the "Factory Reconditioned" Ipod from Apple. Now, Apple promises these to work just as good as a new Ipod but truthfully that gave me no comfort. Everyone I know has had their Ipod crash and burn on them at least once in the first year after they got it. So, I figured I will be smart and get the extended warranty which fully covers me for two years. Also, I knew if I called my mom and told her all of this she would offer to send me a check and treat this as a birthday gift. So, that means.... FREE IPOD!!!

Anyway, I received this thing over the weekend and installed the Itunes software last night. The software pulled all the MP3s from my Creative software and organized them right into Itunes. "This is awesome" I said to myself. Then I hooked up the Ipod. Everything was fine until my computer froze and wouldn't do anything. The Ipod is flashing a "Do Not Disconnect" message and I'm waiting and waiting. After about 6 hours of this I disconnected the thing and that was it! DEAD! It wouldn't do a thing. I spent hours trouble shooting this on the Apple website and finally called costumer support. I got some guy from India on the phone and after an hour of broken English he had been only successful in disconnecting our phone call. I called back and got some guy named Brian on the phone. Well, Brian and I spent two hours troubleshooting until Brian finally announces "Sir, this Ipod is defective. You are going to have to send it back for repair"

"REPAIR!!!! I just got the fucking thing!" I responded in just those terms.

"I'm very sorry sir but there is nothing more we can do. You should have it back in a month"

"Factory Reconditioned".... They should call them... "Other people's broken shit that we "fixed" and polished for a sucker like you"

Now I'm thinking "I don't want to get this thing back, let alone in a MONTH!...It's already broken and it's only a day old"

I call Apple sales and bitch them out. They agree to send me a "new" one as soon as I mail this one back. I should have that by Friday. I would just tell them to take the whole thing back but I bought all the accessories (car charger, Sports Wrap, etc.) in anticipation of the Ipod's D.O.A

After I tell the women I spent FIVE hours on my birthday dealing with this shit she offers me a $25 credit and a giant "sorry" and I took it. I just wanted it over.

And now for the cherry on top of this shit sundae....

My mother calls me and tells me. "Don't cash that check. I quit my job"

Happy Birthday, indeed!

30 Years, Burning Down The Road.....

2006-05-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

Today is my 30th birthday.

Why do I tell you this?

I have no idea.... But I am annoyed by it.

When did I get so fucking old?

People will say "You're not old" and "You're still just a baby"

Guess what? Those people are really fucking old.

At least I still have all my hair... That's the first "good" thing that came to mind when I woke up today. Oh, and I'm not deaf yet! So, that's another "good" thing. But that's about it.

I look forward to losing both by the time I'm 60!

Irony in the Oval Office

2006-05-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

This is a quote from White House press secretary Tony Snow:

"What the president has said all along is that he wants to make sure that people who become American citizens have a command of the English language. It's as simple as that."

Huh?

Last I checked, President Bush doesn't even know how to speak proper English!

Let alone, have actual "command" of it...

Want proof?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7fo98SzCGo

Enjoy, Mi Amigos

When In Rome

2006-05-18T02:05:00.000-07:00

The Vatican has called for a boycott of The DaVinci Code.

THE VATICAN!

One of the most corrupt organizations in the history of our planet is now telling you where and on what you should spend your money.

Again!

Of course, a few of their flock of blind sheep are heeding the word and staging protests through out the world! These people need to find a hobby of some sort. I recommend knitting or perhaps pottery.

The Catholic Church needs to get over itself! Just because they can help swing elections based on hatred of Gays does not give them the right to tell people what they can and can't watch!

Jesus!

And before you all start commenting about "How dare I call the Vatican corrupt" check out this link...

http://www.religioustolerance.org/pope_apo.htm

It's a site dedicated to some of the bigger sins of the church.

My personal favorite has always been the harboring of Nazis during WWII. Really stand up stuff!

I suppose they would rather have you donate your $10 into the collection plate this weekend than spend it on "The DaVinci Code" You know, that same collection plate from which they took the money to pay sexual assault victims for their silence! Money well spent!

Lost in all of this is the fact that "The DaVinci Code" is a work of FICTION! No one ever claimed it as fact! I've always felt the searching of answers and questioning of one's personal faith goes a long way to actually strengthening it! But, maybe that's just me.

Do I believe in Jesus? Yes I do.

Does that mean I take the Bible as anything more than a metaphor? No. I take it for what it is.... An easily digestible version of a 2,000 year old story. A blueprint, not a house made of stone.

However, I do believe in freedom of choice and will be choosing to see "The DaVinci Code" this weekend. And not at some matinee... I'm paying FULL price!

I'll drop my stub off in the collection plate on Sunday. Right after I get done mocking science, hating gay people and suppressing women. Ahh, a full day to look forward to...

All in the "name" of Jesus.

Hallelujah!

Learning To Limp

2006-05-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with the ever growing number of handicapped parking spaces on the streets of America?

Now, I'm not talking about the ones at the local mall or supermarket. Those are fine. What I'm speaking of is the new handicapped street spots. Have you seen these? Basically, in the middle of every road in my town, there are two handicap signs about 20 feet apart and they are reserved for ONE SPECIFIC person! In other words, if you are a handicapped person, other than the one that spot is saved for, you're shit out of luck.

This rings of serious bullshit and kick backs to the mayor's office in my opinion. There are now THREE of these spots on my block. Up from one a few months ago.

The way I see it is, unless you live in a major city, you already have a handicapped spot. It's called the fucking driveway! Park in that, asshole.

That's where I have a problem. These people get TWO reserved spots! One in the driveway for the able bodied person and one right in front of the house for the handicapped person. The able bodied person should have to park and walk four blocks just the rest of their neighbors who don't have the luxury of a gimpy housemate.

Of course, as luck would have it, I live in, literally, the only house on my block WITHOUT a driveway. So I have to drive around in circles until something opens up. Meanwhile, these "handicapped" people, some of which don't walk with as much as a limp, park within 10 feet of their door whenever they want.

It's a slap in the face! I mean, couldn't they just pretend to be handicapped? Just fucking pretend! Drag their leg behind them or limp a little? It's not that much to ask for free parking whenever you want it!

In Boyardee, We Trust!

2006-05-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

I don't want anymore Italian cooking tips from skinny people!

I want my Sushi chef to be Asian, my kosher chef to be Jewish and, most important of all, my Italian chefs to be fat!

Pretty simple isn't it?

Besides, when is the last time you ate a good Italian meal prepared by a rail thin stick figure like the woman above?

For those of you that don't know, the woman above is named Giada De Laurentiis and she hosts a show on The Food Network called "Everyday Italian." This woman is so annoying she makes Rachel Ray seem normal.

She makes these huge Italian dishes and NEVER eats them! She takes a bite or sip of each one and makes all these orgasmic sounds like it was the best dish ever, brags about how great it is, and then that's it! She puts it down! The next scene is her giving the food away or inviting her friends over to eat what she made.

Hey lady! If your food is so fucking good then why don't you ever eat it???

Not to mention each dish is about 30,000 calories! I swear to Christ the drink she made tonight must of been 3,000 by itself! It was made of 90% heavy cream.

But look at her! She looks like Michael J. Fox's wife if she were a starving Vegan!

I want my Italian Chefs to look like this....

Nothing says "I know how to cook" better than a 300 pound Italian man with sausage around his neck.

That's who I want to learn from.

A man who cooks every meal like it may be his last, because at any second his heart very well may explode!

People I Can Do Without #8

2006-05-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

I loath Bill Walton.

I mean I really, REALLY loath him.

In fact, it's borderline hatred.

Who is Bill Walton? It's a fair question to most I assume.

Bill Walton may be the most overrated player on the NBA's "50 greatest players" list. (although, James Worthy is a VERY close second) Bill Walton is also a play by play announcer for ESPN and ABC's NBA coverage. A fact, yet again, I could not escape today while watching the Nets/Heat Game.

Bill Walton was one of the greatest players in college basketball history. A true giant of the sport. Then he entered the NBA and had two very good years. One that resulted in a championship for the Portland Trailblazers. The rest of the time he was a big, injured, slow, awkward-looking, mess! You may remember him from the Celtic Championship teams of the mid 80's. He was the goofy looking, red headed guy waving a fucking towel on the bench while the able bodied players ran up and down the court.

This piece of shit never averaged even 19 points a game! Never played a whole season! Scored a TOTAL of 6215 points in his career! To put that in perspective, Trent Tucker has 22 more career points!

Who is Trent Tucker?

Let's just say people who know are either laughing or a bit shocked right now.

Now Walton is the most hyper-critical play by play man in the business. Never short on cheap shots or insults, he runs his big mouth for the full 48 minutes! The only time he ever shuts up is when he's busy blowing Shaq!

Which seems to never stop, even when Shaq has four fouls in ten minutes. Next time you watch a game take notice of the small grin that crosses Shaq's face every time he glances at Walton.

BLOW JOBS!

What I don't understand is why this stuttering muttering piece of trash is allowed to continue to spew forth his under-qualified opinion week in and week out. God, please allow Shaq to crash across the table next game and drive his massive forearm into Bill Walton's throat. Please Lord, save us from this fool.

Or just pick him up and pile drive him head first into the floor!

"Throw him down, big man....Throw him down!"

Guest Blog #2

2006-05-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

As previously stated I will be welcoming guest bloggers from time to time.

Anyone reading this Blog may email me a post at the following address... people_places_things@hotmail.com

Posts, if accepted, will appear unedited with full credit going to their original author...

The second guest blog is from the same angry man as the first.

Enjoy!

Let’s save a fucking tree for fucks sake!

Guess who’s back…back again….A.S.S. is back, that’s who!!!!!!!!!!

I’d like to talk a little bit today about receipts. You know….those little annoying fucking pieces of paper the incompetent check out boy insists on giving you even if you only are buying a bottle of water. I mean, what the hell?! Am I really going to need to return a bottle of Desani?! Even if there was something wrong with it would it really beworth my time?!

Ok, let’s say, for the sake of argument, that it is a larger order than just one thing. What’s with all the fucking paper! I mean there are coupons, and credit receipts, and the actual receipt! By the time they get done you are holding the damn encyclopedia Britannica. All you can think of is "where the hell can I throw all of this away."

Oh, and G-d forbid you are crafty enough to rush away before the damn 15 year old, pimple faced, pubescent, shithead can hit you with your coupon for 25 cents off of a can of evaporated milk! He needs to scream after you “Don’t you want your receipt sir ?!” and then give you a dirty look for not taking it. He needs you to take it because if you don’t he’s fucking stuck with it, and he doesn’t want it either!

You would think that with all the technology they could find a way to post your receipt online so that you didn’t need to go through all of that. I mean don’t we kill enough trees without killing more for no reason?! Seriously, if they insist on continuing to use paper receipts they should make them out of softer paper. At least then I could wipe my ass with them and they would have an actual purpose!

A.S.S.

People I Can Do Without #7

2006-05-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Drowning yourself is NOT a trick!

Neither is starving yourself or freezing yourself or burying yourself.

A trick needs to involve actually tricking someone.

David Blaine used to do really cool magic tricks. You know, back when he was a magician. He would walk around and freak people out by setting them up with these really weird and wild tricks.

One day he must have gotten bored with that and decided that people will watch someone do anything stupid if you just put it on television during prime time. Oh, and if it could be during sweeps, that would be even better!

The only trick he's pulled off in the past few years is having people watch two hours of their lives disappear forever.

Poof!

I'm hoping the next special will be "David Blaine, Burned Alive"

Anyone got a match?

Another "Annoying" Week

2006-05-07T13:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it wasn't that bad... It was full of mostly good.

Monday - These past few months away from Blogworld I was working as a teamster on "Law & Order, Criminal Intent." My job was to drive a 15 passenger van 80 hrs. A week. 90% of the time I drove that episode's director. Some wonderful people and other than the hours it was a really good deal. The last episode I drove Whoppi Goldberg, that episode airs tonight on NBC. In my opinion, the best script the show has produced and I'm looking forward to seeing how it turned out. In case you were wondering, Whoppi is AMAZING. So down to earth and generous with her time to EVERYONE who asked for a small piece of it. Anyway, along with the driving there was a tremendous amount of sitting on my ass. An ass that has gotten 15 pounds bigger! On Monday I decided to go back to the gym. This also included starting a new diet. Both of those subjects will be touched on in the coming weeks. Diets and me are like one big, awful hand job. Lots of pain but with results... Last time I did this one I lost 30 pounds in six weeks. Same goal this time.

Tuesday - The highlight of the day was going to my 9 year old sister's softball game. This sounds like fun right? If you call 20 walks (they let the girls pitch) in three innings fun, then yes, it was a hoot! By the way they get six balls instead of the normal four for a walk. Also, I could count the number of times the ball made it from catcher to pitcher, without bouncing, on one hand. I love my sister but I'm dreading having kids one day because of these "athletic" experiences.

Wednesday - Was supposed to meet my friend Billy for lunch but he stood me up! Well, in fairness, there was a breakdown in communication and we both were left concerned and a little hungry. It also marked the first time I ever left home without my cell phone. As coincidence would have it, it was also the first time I EVER needed it! Anyway, left the meeting spot and took another walk through hell, where I bought tremendous amounts of paper goods!

Thursday - Finally met up with Billy! We ate burritos and spoke of glorious things! Like that girl's ass who just walked by the window and all the others stuff men speak of after not seeing each other for months. The highlight of that day was using Billy's work bathroom and thinking I broke the toilet after the handle stuck. I was in there for like five minutes and it's a very small office. His co-workers must of been thinking "why did Billy let this guy in and why is the toilet flushing and running for five minutes straight?"

Friday - Got a haircut! This is a big deal because I have to make an appointment for this at a salon. I've been going to same guy for 17 years. Why? Because I'm a bit of a woman when it comes to my hair. That's why!

Saturday - Went to Atlantic City for the day and got my balls kicked in! I have ZERO luck in A.C. I have won big in Vegas and Upstate New York but NEVER in A.C. I go 2-4 times a year and am going to have to re-think those numbers. I drove down with buddy, JL, and listen to him complain the whole ride about how he's going to fuck up his current relationship. A relationship that is all of two weeks old! The truth is, he will! Not because he's a bad guy or because it shouldn't work out, but because he will force it to happen. He should just TRY and be happy for a minute or two. My photo, in my profile, sums J up perfectly!

Sunday - Today I slept in a bit. Once up I caught up on some of pals in Blogworld (all of who's blog's can be found in my link section and are ALL worth a read) Dim had another "interesting" lunch this week and Rusty HATES the new Pearl Jam record. Jenny G is getting annoyed in traffic! March to the Sea, has started a new blog http://forgottendiscfriday.blogspot.com/ It is, in a word, awesome! This guy should be out of Blogworld and have the cover story on "Rolling Stone" If you are a fanatic of music, as I am, you will love his new blog. His "old" one is pretty good too! Anyway, enjoy your upcoming week! Hopefully mine will be full again!

A Public Service Announcement

2006-05-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

Ladies!

If your belly sticks out further than your boobs DO NOT wear tight shirts.

This:

IS NOT a good look!

Maybe some girls don't get it and who am I to judge.... However, something needs to be done.

And to be fair, guys....

Same rules apply...

Thanks everyone, for your immediate attention to this issue.

Random Vent #10

2006-05-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

Can Someone tell me where to buy a pair of jeans WITHOUT holes in the them?

Jesus Christ!

I went to 6 stores last weekend looking for a pair of jeans and everyone of them had pre-made holes in them. That's right, pre-made.... Meaning, retailers now assume that we are too lazy to rip tiny holes in our own jeans.

They label them as "vintage" which I get a kick out of because "vintage" is just another way of saying "used" In other words, they wanted me to spend $70 for the "I'm wearing someone else's used jeans" look.

No thank you!

And they are such pussy holes on top of it! Little worn holes near your upper thigh or above your knee. Give me a tear across the ass! One where there is a legitimate risk of my balls being exposed! You know, so some grandmother would have to say, "excuse me but I think your testicles are showing"

That's worth the $70!

This is a slippery slope folks.

Next step:

This look again!

One lump or two?

Boss Time in the Big Easy!

2006-05-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=312f0735-0a0d-4bcf-9e78-d815dbfa3bad&f=jazzfest&fg=copy

I've done my best not to get political on this blog. As I've said in the past, there are plenty of other blogs for that. However, the situation in New Orleans, has me very angry. Not annoyed or upset but ANGRY!

This is an AMERICAN city we are just leaving to rot. It hasn't even been cleaned up, let alone rebuilt. We send billions to Asia and Iraq to rebuild their cities (as I believe we should) but then allow one of our own to remain untouched for months on end.

It's pathetic!

Also, it goes a long way to show how far we still need to come in regards to race in this country. After all, if this was the Hamptons under water I'm positive the reconstruction would be well under way.

This past weekend was the annual Jazz Fest in New Orleans. Along with the many great local artists that played were some outside guests including Bob Dylan, The Dave Matthews Band and Bruce Springsteen.

Now people who know me know I have some serious love for the work of Bruce Springsteen. In recent years he has assumed a very Dylan-like role in current politics and has stuck his neck out a bit in regards to the direction the country is heading.

This past weekend he came to New Orleans with his latest project, "The Seeger Sessions." A blue grass, country, folk band covering the works of Pete Seeger and other folk standards. The album came out last Tuesday and is fantastic! One track that didn't make the album was a tune called "How Can a Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live" An old Ray Cooder tune that Springsteen wrote three extra verses for to reflect what going on in New Orleans. The band performed it last night and the performance, including his "on target" introduction, can be found at the link above.

Enjoy the music, listen to the words and get angry! Remember what happened/is happening to these poor Americans and vote your consciences in November.

"The country we carry in our hearts is waiting"
-B. Springsteen

Anyone want an MP3 of the song? Here's a link....

http://beta.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=BE93D942720266E3

Shark Jumping, 101

2006-04-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

Note to David Chase...

Your show SUCKS!

Your once glorious, wonderful, best show on television is now just a poor imitation and caricature of itself!

The season started out interesting with the "other life" plot and the struggle for power within the "family." Now, Tony is awake and it's business as usual for the viewer. Which is to say, I want a fucking refund!

It's the writing that sucks, with all of the dropped plots (see: the Russian in the woods or Furio in love with Carmella) The writers continue to paint themselves into corners and then wait for the paint to dry before just moving on to the next room, leaving the corner untouched! Never and explanation for the huge hole in the story. Never!

So far this season has been about five things...

1. Tony getting shot and almost dying.

This was dramatic for about 2 seconds until the viewer said to themselves "There are 19 more of these turds to view. I doubt I'll be viewing them without Tony"

2. Paulie's Nun of a mother.

This wasn't interesting for even two seconds.

3. The gay mobster.

Holy shit! When I saw him dressed in the motorcycle leather I nearly cried. Hopefully this gets resolved this week. Otherwise, we will be dealing with another Adriana and the FBI sub plot. The 20 week variety that only got resolved because of another turd named "Joey"

4. Artie's restaurant.

Was I the only one wishing Vinnie Delpino shoved his whole head into the pot of sauce instead of the hand?

5. Christopher's movie.

The Ben Kingsly cameo wasn't funny it was lame, just like the whole fucking subplot! Really the bottom of the barrel.

What I can't figure out is what took so long to get this shit on the air? Two friggin years of waiting for this shit?

Huh?

If this was the best they could come up with I wish they had just stayed away. David Chase should be strapped to a chair and be made to watch "Deadwood", "Rescue Me", and the first two seasons of "The Sopranos" until he remembers what good television is all about.

Cause, this ain't it.

People I Can Do Without #6

2006-03-26T01:01:00.000-08:00

Unless you're shipping out to Iraq it's time to take the army fatigues off!

I love these assholes walking around, dressed as soldiers, pretending to be hard asses. If they were really that tough they'd volunteer to ship out and defend our country from the "evil doers"
But, alas, they just sit at home playing "Tour of Duty" on-line, with some losers they met in a fucking chatroom.

I think tomorrow I'll dress up like a doctor or a pirate! That sounds like fun!

It's against the law to dress up and walk around acting like a cop.... Why we look the other way as a society when it comes to showing the same respect for the uniforms of the men and woman of our armed forces is beyond my understanding.

"We do it to support the troops"

Blow me!

You want to support the troops? Enlist fucker!

Random Vent #9

2006-03-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

Your Dog needs to be bigger than my cat!

All these "toy" and "miniature" dogs are just rats on a leash in my opinion.

Grown, heterosexual, men who walk these dogs proudly deserve a smack in the back of the head and a testosterone check-up. They like to blame the wife or kids for this animal landing in their house but we know better. Any man worth his nuts would stand up and say "to hell with this...I'm getting a Great Dane and hoping he eats this rat" or better yet flush it down the toilet!!

As it yaps and yaps as the bowl sucks it in the kids my run in and scream and cry. Just tell them "Kippy went to find Nemo"

They'll get over it as soon as the Labrador Retriever shows up!

Whammy!!!!

2006-03-14T19:48:00.000-08:00

http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/state/20060314-0712-ca-planecrash.html

No Deal!

2006-02-28T19:20:00.000-08:00

Who is watching this crap?

Come on, admit it!

Well, someone is because the ratings are HUGE for this turd.

I don't understand why people like "Deal or No Deal" so much? From what I gather they select a contestant to pick a number and receive lots of money?

Holy shit!

This proves how dumb we are as a nation! No longer do you even need to answer a trivia question on these shows. Now, "just pick a number between 1-25"

Can't count to 25? It wouldn't surprise me.

It's hosted by this guy...

Remember this guy? He was a stand up comedian in the 80s...Then he went away. He came back as the voice of Bobby in "Bobby's World" which was cool because you didn't have to look at him. That went off the air and then Jay Leno, the hack of late night television, hired to do a bit on "The Tonight Show" VERY similar to Letterman's Ruppert G bits.

Now he hosts "Deal or No Deal"

If only that glove covered his mouth as well....

All About The Bulk, Baby!

2006-02-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend and went to a whole sale club today. I'm not sure but I think these places are one of Dante's nine levels of hell.

First off, no one shopping there speaks English..It's amazing! They must be handed a Club card when they enter the country. Maybe we should just turn the U.S. ports into wholesale clubs and kill two birds with one stone...

Anyway, we shop for a bit and pass a woman who just sneezes towards the ground. Not in her hand and with no attempt to block the sneeze! Just straight down towards the floor.... People like this deserve a dirty janitor's mop wrung out into their mouths. I made a remark like "cover your damn mouth" but I'm not sure she heard me. Her husband looked like he could handle himself so I didn't say it that loud, but loud enough so she might have.

We shop around a buy a boatload of paper towels. They have 24 packs and 18 packs and enough paper towels that we could have saved the Titanic from sinking.... The 24 pack is cheaper than the 18 pack so the common thought would be the 24 pack is the better deal.... NOT SO FAST!!! The 18 pack is 100 sheets per roll and the 24 pack is only 60 per... hmmm.... we bought the 18...I know what you're thinking. "BIG Drama" and you're right!

What I began to realize, as I walked around hell, is that the only thing you get any sort of deal on is the paper goods. Eight cans of Tuna for $8.50 isn't really a great deal. You can find a better one at the local supermarket most weeks. Two pounds of coffee for $20 isn't that bad until you consider that half of it will be stale by the time you get to drink it.

We spent $150 and the good news is I won't be needing for microwave popcorn for a year.

Getting To Know Me

2006-02-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

A boring week and writer's block = lazy post that I stole from 3 other people...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 11:15... I have a cold and no job
2. Diamonds or pearls? Pearl necklace
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Walk the Line
4. What’s your favorite TV show? Rescue Me, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Deadwood, Dirty Jobs
5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Two cups of coffee and a cigarette
6. What’s your favorite cuisine? Mexican
7. What foods do you dislike? Anything Green
8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Cool Ranch
9. What’s your favorite CD at the moment? Been listening to a lot of Dylan on the MP3
10. What kind of car do you drive? Toyota
11. Favorite sandwich? Chicken cutlet, fresh Mozzarella on focaccia
12. What characteristics do you despise? Disloyal, selfish people.
13. What is your favorite clothing? T-shirt and jeans.
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? Paris
15. What color is your bathroom? I honestly have no idea....Girlfriend painted it and I have other things on my mind in there other than the color of the walls.
16. Favorite brand of clothing? Cotton
17. Where would you retire to? My kid's basement
18. Favorite time of the day? When the mail comes. I still hope for something cool to show up!
19. What was your most memorable birthday? 17 was cool...bought my first bong and then had it thrown out by my friend's mother as she yelled "I found a water pipe in the basement" I was thinking "where else would you find one" and then realized my bong was headed to its' grave.
20. Where were you born? Jersey
21. Favorite sport to watch? Live--Basketball, On TV-Baseball
22. What fabric detergent do you use? Ask my girlfriend
23. Were you named after anyone? Mr. Annoyed
24. Do you wish on stars? Uh... no
25. When did you last cry? When the Fresh Prince's father left without him for his road trip... That Will Smith gets me every time.
26. Do you like your handwriting? SuRe I DOOO
27. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? I hope not, I have enough friends.
28. Are you a daredevil? I once ate a box of twinkees...does that count?
29. Do looks matter? Of course
30. How do you release anger? My blog.... YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
31. Where is your second home? Still working on my first
32. What were your favorite toys as a child? Star Wars, He Man, Transformers and did I mention Star Wars?
33. What class in High School was totally useless? To quote Bruce Springsteen "We learned more from a three minute record than we ever learned in school" ..... Pretty much sums them all up!
34. Favorite Movie(s)? Goodfellas, Almost Famous, High Fidelity, The Goonies
35. What are your nicknames? "Asshole" seems to be a popular one.... And "Nascar Man" as I'm known to Rusty
36. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Never
37. Do you think that you are strong? If you consider being able to bench HALF my body weight strong?.. then HELL YES! I'm strong.
38. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Ben & Jerry's "Marsha, Marsha, Marshmallow"
39. What are your favorite colors? Black and Green
40. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I'm unemployed
41. What do you miss the most? My money lost to bad beats while playing poker.
42. What color pants are you wearing? Who said I was wearing pants?
43. What are you listening to right now? My cat getting into something he shouldn't.
44. Last thing you ate? A well done Turkey Burger....Thanks Babe!
45. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be? fuzzy wuzzy brown
46. Last person you talked to on the phone? My girlfriend
47. Favorite Drink? Iced tea....Or Vodka
48. Do you wear contacts? Nope
49. Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas has been good to me.
50. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Don't all scary movies have happy endings?
51. Summer or winter? Spring
52. Hugs OR Kisses? No Soap, Radio
53.What is Your Favorite Dessert? Funnel Cake....Thanks A.S.S.!
54. What Book(s) are you reading? "Love All The People" - Bill Hicks, "Supersystem 2" - Doyle Brunson
55. Favorite Smells? Fresh coffee or fresh bread
56. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
57. What’s the furthest you’ve been from home? L.A.

Hot Wheels, Anyone?

2006-02-20T12:39:00.000-08:00

Try as I have over the years I am unable to "get" Nascar racing. As far as I can tell, it's just a bunch of redneck-hicks driving around in circles. This was something I enjoyed watching as a child when it was called "The Dukes of Hazard." Now that I'm older, I find my attention span to be much better. Grown men, in fast cars, just doesn't do it for me.

I have tried to understand this "sport" I have asked many questions and have been told all sorts of wonderful things about it. I still didn't get it.

Yesterday I decided to give it a full chance and drove to my friends house to watch the Daytona 500. He has a 53 inch HD TV and I figured this would be the way to watch it for the first time. I arrived, watched about five minutes of the race and had to ask "So, what's the big deal about this?" I was told, "Nothing happens until the final 10 laps" This was great news considering we were on lap 10.

Only 180 to go!

So I spent the next 3 hours watching the race and hoping for wrecks. This is the thing you do I guess? It's a sick way to spend a day in my opinion.

Anyway, we get down to the final 10 laps and now I'm thinking "here we go!"

Not so fast!

Wreck.

Now the race is driven under a "caution" meaning no one can pass until the wreck is cleaned up, so they just drive around at half speed until the race can resume. It finally resumes and now I'm thinking "Here we go! Take 2"

Wreck..

Another caution...

Jesus, this was worth waiting three hours for?

That mess gets cleaned and now we have two laps to go.... Action packed, right?

WRONG

Another wreck! Race over....

What the fuck kind of "sport" is this? I guess rednecks needed an excuse, after football season, to stay drunk all day on Sundays? This is the only excuse I can find for this activity being so damn popular. It must have been a bunch of good ol' boys sitting around and saying.."Damn now that football is over we have to spend time with our wives on Sunday. Not so fast... I've got an idea. Let's get some cars and drive them around in circles all day! We'll call it a sport and the wives will never know"

The popularity of this "sport" is mind boggling. Further proving we are in deep shit as a nation. A bunch of people watching cars drive around in a circle.

That's all your doing!

"Well, you need to be there to understand it"

I don't think sitting next to a guy, married to his cousin, drinking Busch Light is going to change my mind all that much.

In fact, I think if I had shown up yesterday to this..

... set up in the living room, in place of the TV, I would have enjoyed myself just as much. In fact, I would have had twice as much fun!

Nice rebutal found at the following link..

http://rusty1120.blogspot.com/2006/02/i-lovenascar.html#comments

People I can Do Without #5

2006-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

U.S. Winter Olympics "Stars"

Never have I seen a group of losers so over-hyped. I suppose NBC figured in order to compete with Fox's "American Idol" they would need to find some young, good looking people to showcase. The problem being, unlike Fox, ABC forgot to find people with an actual chance of winning!

There were FOUR of these idiots.

Michelle Kwan... Jesus, where is Tonya Harding when you need her? Michelle Kwan didn't belong there in the first place. She was injured and couldn't even skate for the qualifying round. She cried and begged her way onto the team and then it turned out she was injured! Well, why is this news? She was hurt before she got there and then was STILL hurt once there. Holy shit! What a strange development. Now people "feel bad" for her... FUCK HER! She is a millionaire tens times over despite NEVER winning a gold medal. How pissed is Mary Lou Retton that she wasn't born 15 years later than she was? Michelle Kwan needs to skate away now but I think we're stuck with her and all the new endorsements she's going to get even though she didn't compete.

Bode Miller.... This guy was a complete media whore! And the media paid him top dollar for a nothing more than a half-ass hand job. An asshole, without a medal, cashing in millions of endorsement money. He gets to the Olympics and says "The medal doesn't matter to me" Well then, go home!

His only claim to actual fame is saying he skied drunk... Well, for me to strap two sticks to my feet and fly down a snow-covered mountain doing 70 mph I'd have to be drunk too...Big fucking news!

Apollo Ohno.... This guy actually has a gold medal. However, he won it under tremendous scrutiny last time. This time? He fell down and cut his finger. Boo Hoo! I guess it's four more years of fashion shows and talk shows for this "athlete"

Johnny Weir... So, when did Clay Aiken take up figure skating?

This guy completely bombed in his event. What and over-hyped loser! At least Clay Aiken can actually sing.... Although they do have ONE thing in common I suspect...

So far this guy is the biggest winner for the U.S. in '06...

"The Flying Tomato"

The next face of Madison Avenue... Enjoy!

Let it Snow, Let it Snow...

2006-02-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

Whoever wrote that song didn't give themselves a hernia digging their cars out of a fucking Blizzard as I just did.

Holy shit, we got a lot of snow!

It was wet and heavy and I seriously feel like my ball sack is filled with stomach lining.

Sorry girls, but that's the truth of it.

I finally dug out and then realized that I can't actually get in my car and go anywhere this entire week. If I do, I will NEVER be able to park again! These assholes don't shovel....They just pull out and leave the snow there so there is no way anyone can park there when they leave.

Also, all my jerk off neighbors own snow blowers but none of them actually offered to let me use them. I guess learning their names and saying hello as I walk by them would help but who has time for that the other 364 days a year.

Jerk Offs.

In other news...

- Dick Chaney shot someone yesterday http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/12/cheney.ap/index.html

It took 24 hrs for the news to get out. If the guy had died I suspect it would have never gotten out..

- The Winter Olympics began yesterday. I turned them on just in time to see the cross country skiing... Someone let me know when the hockey starts (the men's hockey)

- And because I know you care and because you were wondering... My cat had gas all weekend.

How Bout a Harpoon?

2006-02-08T11:53:00.000-08:00

Apparently if you eat enough the state of Washington won't carry out your death sentence.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/02/08/fat.inmate.ap/index.html

So, if you find yourself there don't bother with the letters to the governor. Just find yourself the nearest Krispy Kreme and enjoy your stay on the tax payer's dime!

Letting Me Know

2006-02-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

I went on a job interview yesterday. I hate job interviews. I have to squeeze my fat ass into a suit. I haven't been very active lately and my suit pants don't fit. In fact, they're so tight I had the elastic marks from my boxer shorts imprinting around my waist for hours after I took the damn thing off!

I had to ride the bus in the city. This was fun for an hour. Especially where I live and the people that ride it with me... I don't want to say I live near the ghetto but one of the stops on the route is the drive-through window of a White Castle...

I got to the interview and it went all right....I guess.

I always think it goes all right and then I never hear back from them! Maybe it's me but I doubt it!

As I was being interviewed I realized it's always the same questions EVERY time. It's like every employer has the same three or four basic questions and they must get the same damn answers every time. I was thinking while I was answering what it would have been like if I answered them honestly...

"Tell us why you'd be a good fit for us"

-Well, I most likely won't be. I'll spend the early parts of my employment filled with tremendous joy about how great this job is going to be and how much opportunity it will present me with! After a couple of months of this, the feelings will fade into thoughts of how much I hate this job and everyone here. I will spend months 3-6 looking for a new job (which I won't find) and then months 6-12 being a bastard to everyone until I finally freak out and scream "go fuck yourselves" and storm out over a fellow staff member asking me to pass them a pencil.

"What special qualities or talents do you feel you could bring to our company"

-I can juggle.... I can also drink an obscene amount of Vodka and not throw up from it.... I can amaze prospective clients with my great knowledge of John Hughes films and quotes from said movies....."Gary was just taking a shit"...... I'm a bad listener but a GREAT conversationalist (ironic I know).....I can also spot a boob job from a mile away. Sometimes, however, it does require a "closer" look.... I can bullshit with the best of them and lie right your face without you knowing.... I would never steal money (office supplies and canned air to clean my home PC with are fair game)..... I can name the last FIVE Presidents on the United States, IN ORDER!

"Tell me some things you could be better at"

-I can ride a two wheeled bike but not a unicycle..... I can't hold my breath very long under water.... Sometimes, when I floss, I rush it a bit.... I don't speak German very well.... I was never any good on Ice skates and I suck on skis..... I find it hard to convince most people they shouldn't kill themselves!

And at the end of that they would just say...

"We will let you know"

Hey You! Get Off My T.V.

2006-02-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

Where's Janet Jackson's tit when you need it?

I find a nipple much less offensive than an old man's old arms flapping in the wind. The Rolling Stones were fucking awful at the Super Bowl.

AWFUL!

I've already seen people on the internet making excuses..

It's hard to sound good when you have to set up in 5 minutes..
It's hard to play a place that big and sound great

Bullshit!

1. The Stones play places that big all the time! They should be used to it.

2. Setting up in 5 minutes didn't seem to bother Paul McCartney last year.

3. They sounded like shit on HBO two years ago when they broadcast that concert.

4. I saw them in 1994 and they sounded like shit.

All of this leads me to the conclusion that The Rolling Stones suck and they are ripping off their fans on a nightly basis.

The face value of a front row seat to one of their shows is $500!!!

That is the biggest rip off in the history of Rock music!

People will say...What do you expect? They are so old...

Then they should fucking retire and stop wasting their fans faith in them! There are many bands/performers around the same age of The Stones that are kicking ass every night.

1. Paul McCartney

2. The Eagles

3. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Just to name three.

And all three play around 3 hours a night. In fact the last time I saw Bruce and the band they played 3:20

The Stones are on and off in two hours. They play the same songs every night and sound like a sloppy, unrehearsed bar band while doing it.

Are they legends? Yes.

One of the greatest bands of all time? Of Course.

Worth one penny live? Not anymore.

Of all the great music that has come out of Detroit you would have thought they could have found some local artists to perform last night. Instead, we get Mick Jagger strutting around doing the same stupid moves he's done for years. Looking like a pile of shit, thrown against a wall.

"The stage was cool"

Yeah, and the band playing used to be too.

Random Vent #8

2006-02-01T04:36:00.000-08:00

Sexy photos need to be sexy!

That would seem pretty simple wouldn't it? Take for example Rachael Ray's photo shoot for FHM...

This is her photo...

Now look at this other photo I found...

Why is the turkey the only thing getting me excited in both photos?

And Your Damn Dog Too!

2006-02-01T01:15:00.000-08:00

I love English Bulldogs. LOVE them! They are the perfect dog as far as I'm concerned. They don't like to run, fetch or swim. In fact, they don't like being active at all. They snore real loud and basically just like being left on the couch to watch television....Just like me!

Also, they don't live too long which is nice for people like myself who have major commitment issues.

So while at a friends house last week I got a call from my girlfriend to come home and meet her friends bulldog. This was odd since my girlfriend, as far as I knew, didn't have any friends who owned a bulldog. She does however have some friends with kids that look like this...

Skeptical, I rushed home to see the dog. See, I was never allowed to have a dog growing up. My father always claimed because I was unable to keep my room clean I shouldn't have a dog.

"Can't keep a clean room, how are you gonna keep a dog?"

Like the dog was gonna get trapped under my Star Wars toys and die! So, once I moved out I was gonna get a dog but my landlords have never allowed them. My girlfriend and I adopted two cats six months ago and their cool I guess. However, I'm constantly worried they are going to outlive me! That's how out of shape I've become!

Anyway, I get home and start up the steps to our apartment. I hear the sound of four paws rushing across the hardwood floors! It's not the cats, it's the sound of a dog! Excited I open the door to my apartment and see this staring back at me....

My first thought was... "What the fuck is a pitbull doing in my living room?"

Then... "Where is the bulldog? Did this dog eat the bulldog?"

I say hello to the dog and make my way to the kitchen. Where I find my girlfriend and her friend sitting at the table. I ask, "what is that, a pitbull?"

Her friend responds, "She's a pure bred American Bulldog"

My girlfriend got the breeds confused! And her "friend" was a dog groomer she met who was there in hopes of my girlfriend and I adopting this beast! My girlfriend thought it would be a nice surprise for me as a Valentine's Day gift! Which, of course, is just what I always wanted...A fucking horse.

On top of this, we live in an apartment and both work 14 hour days. Not the brightest idea anyone has ever had.

I take a moment and ask, "where are the cats?"

"Well," my girlfriends says, "they didn't really like the dog"

No shit?

The girl cat is hiding behind the washing machine and the boy cat is locked in the bedroom. This is after my girlfriend thought it a good idea to pick him up, carry him over to the dog, and lower him down into the dogs face to say "hi"

Well, he basically said "fuck this" and tore up my girlfriends arm trying to get away.

The dog, in turn, shit on my bedroom floor and pissed in my office. Two things my girlfriend hid from me until after I had made up my mind that I didn't want this dog. Like if she told me... "Babe, the dog didn't shit or piss on anything!" I would have signed the papers right then and there.

There I was thinking candy or a card and my girlfriend was thinking 80 pound animal.... It happens, I guess?

Overrated/ Underrated #1

2006-01-31T16:15:00.000-08:00

In a new weekly series I will be addressing two different things from pop culture and labeling them both... One as being overrated and one as being underrated.

Pretty simple concept so please try and keep up.

Movies, Music, TV.... You know, the important stuff!

Overrated:

Alanis Morissette.

Now she had a decent album with her first release "Jagged Little Pill" but since then has released 4 less than stellar albums. Each contained one or two good tunes but overall they sucked!

She also found time to put out a couple of live albums and recycled "Jagged Little Pill" every chance she had...

I don't think since Don McLean has one artist been able to live off one song/album for this long.

The absolute lowlight of this woman's career had to be the RE-RECORDING of "Jagged Little Pill" as an acoustic album last year. (As if the first version was so overpowering with its' heavy electric sound!) and then actually touring to support it!

Also, I'd like to point out she released the single most annoying song in the history of Music with "Thank You" That song makes "Mambo #5" sound like "Stairway to Heaven"

Alanis needs to go away until she finds something NEW to say. And she also must wear her clothes in all her videos...This point can not be debated!

Underrated:

Beth Hart!

Who is Beth Hart?

She is the woman with the single greatest voice in Rock and Roll history!

Some say, "the best since Janis"

I say, the greatest EVER!

She writes her own stuff and on stage is a force! Check out her tune "Am I the One" from her album "Immortal" to see what I mean. Once that blows you away check out her latest live release DVD/CD "Live from the Paradiso"

Bethhart.com is her official website where you can find sound clips and general info... She's on tour in Europe right now but hopefully will be coming back to tour America this year.

Enjoy!

Puppy Love

2006-01-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

There's this sick subculture in the world that got me to thinking....

What would a child have to do for a parent to STOP loving it?

It seems to me that every time some sicko serial killer goes to trial the mother of the killer is interviewed by the media and they say "I still love him, not matter what"

No matter what?!

Jeffrey Dahmer's mother said that...

HEY LADY! Your son ate people dicks for dinner! What the fuck?

I came to think about all of this today while surfing the net. While looking for something unrelated I saw a post scream out!

"MUST SEE!"

Curious I let my eyes wander the rest of the title...The subtext read... "College girl fucks dog"

Now, I did not download this for many reasons...The main one being I have no interest in watching a girl fuck a dog.

Anyway, I started thinking if this was enough for someone to stop loving their child? I think it may be...

If I had a 19 year old daughter and my neighbor gave me a tape he downloaded off the internet of my daughter fucking a dog I think I would be done with her. That would be it...No more birthdays or holidays. Get out!

I'd disown her on the spot. Let the dog walk her down the aisle someday.

Outraged I called my friend and asked him his opinion. He told me that this is big on the internet and a lot of this type of pornography comes from Europe. I took his word on it as he is an authority on porn.

What is wrong with these people? The world is going to explode because of this type of shit. Even if you believe in God just a little bit you must realize when news of this reaches him/her there are going to be some serious natural disasters to deal with...

I know, I know...I attacked Pat Robertson for saying God caused suffering. But if Pat Robertson said "God caused and earthquake because a girl was sleeping with her dog" I'd have to buy that as true!

Anyway, you may be thinking "what are the signs of this behavior"

Well, first this may be a good clue to look for....

Also, the following may be clues:

If your daughter is caught drinking from the toilet

If your daughter is caught "Cruising the pound"

If your grandson is named "spot"

If this is her first trip to the beach...

If anyone else has any clues to look for I'll post them here.